Category Archives: Husky Football

Welcome To Seattle Motherf**king Washington

This is Seattle.

We’re not New York. Not Los Angeles. Not even Miami or Chicago. We’re America’s underdog. The forgotten metropolis. Crammed into the nosebleed section of the left coast. Where it rains a lot. Where coffee is constantly brewing. Where planes are made and apples are sliced. We’re overlooked and underappreciated.

The nation scoffs at us. They tend to forget that we even exist. When they mention us, it’s only to take jabs at the weather and the beverage of choice. Don’t act like you haven’t been gossiping behind our backs, America. We know how it is.

When it comes to sports, they treat us like a redheaded stepchild. They hijack our teams, tell us we aren’t supportive enough, put us amongst the worst sports cities in this great nation of ours, and occasionally slap the dreaded “mid-market” label upon us. The only mid-market we should be associated with is on the corner of First Avenue and Pike Street. We’re bigger than that. We’re better than that.

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Half-Points and Hangovers

My head hurts. I have bruises on my body in random places. My left elbow has been throbbing for two days. I need water. I’ve earned a total of 1,200 minutes of sleep in the past five nights. Memories of the last 120 hours are hazy, at best. I’ve been surviving off Visine and Winterfresh gum. I got beat by a girl. I’ve never seen or consumed this much alcohol. I got knocked down by a football.

In spite of all that, I’ve never felt better in my life. Never.

I survived the greatest trip of my very existence. I’m 26 years old. I just partied like I was 18…for five consecutive evenings. I witnessed in-person the University of Washington’s first bowl victory in a decade. I enjoyed the Husky men’s basketball team’s demolition of both Los Angeles-area schools. I sat in a bar with Seattle fans and watched our Seahawks win the NFC West and, against all odds, make the playoffs. From that standpoint alone, it was an amazing stretch of sunrises and sunsets.

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Holiday Insanity: Day 3 in San Diego

At some point on the evening of Thursday, December 30th, I checked my Facebook notifications through my phone. I don’t know where I was, exactly, or what I happened to be doing at the time. I do know that the outcome of the Holiday Bowl had been decided and that the euphoria among the Husky faithful was still settling in. We were probably on the San Diego trolley, or perhaps already sitting in a bar. It was then that I read the comment that would inspire me to wake up at 8:30 this morning, jump in the shower, dress myself, pack up my laptop, and walk down the street in search of free wi-fi (shout out to the Mission Valley Doubletree, where they charge $15 a day for internet).

“The least you can do,” the comment read, “is go and get hammered and give us all a good story about it tomorrow.”

And by “it,” the commenter was referring to the purple-and-gold celebration that was in the process of ensuing at that very moment. Done and done.

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How To Get Ridiculously Carried Away With Your Bowl Game Plans

I have tickets to the Holiday Bowl. That’s it. No place to stay, no airfare, no ride. Just tickets for me and three of my closest friends, one of whom has already bailed on the trip due to work commitments (we’re gonna miss you, Chuck).

We took a back-door route to buying our game tickets, opting to use the Holiday Bowl’s official website for all our bowl needs, rather than waiting for the high-rollers to purchase their seats from the University of Washington athletic department. (We’re sneaky.) As a result, we were able to get seats in the fourth row of the upper bowl, as opposed to most laypeople who will be stuck in the nether reaches of Qualcomm Stadium. And having been to Qualcomm to watch a Padres game once, I can tell you that the nether reaches of that venue are basically in Tijuana.

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Husky Fans, We Are Going Bowling!

The last time the Huskies went to a bowl game, I was a senior in high school. Back then, I was a month or so away from committing to the University of Washington. And when I say “committing,” I mean being accepted into the school. I wasn’t a college athlete or anything. I just like to say “committing” because it sounds way cooler.

From 2003 to 2009, I was a UW undergrad. Yes, I know what you’re thinking. The only people who last that long as undergrads are anomalies. It’s almost impossible to go to school fifty-percent longer than your cohorts and not get kicked out. Somehow, I managed to get a degree. It’s in a nice wooden frame, in case anyone demands proof. It’s not that I was dumb. I just didn’t care. And when you don’t care about the classes, the workload, or the material in front of you, it’s awfully hard to get out in four years.

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Selling Out To Subway? Really, UW?

First of all, let me just say that the number one reason I hate Subway is because of Jared. Yes, Jared.

It’s basically taboo to hate on Jared because he’s a frickin hero, or whatever. Yeah, I get it. He lost a ton of weight. He went from being morbidly obese to being only slightly overweight. And make no mistake about it. This isn’t Superman we’re looking at. Face it. If you didn’t know that Jared had previously been a behemoth, you’d see the guy and figure he was pretty average and could probably afford to hit the gym for a few more hours each week.

We’ve given Jared a pass, America. The man has been plateauing for the last decade. Ten years!!! No, he hasn’t really gained weight. But the reality is this: Subway is paying this human being hundreds of thousands of dollars (if not millions!) to be their spokesperson. And the dude has not changed much at all in the past dime.

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The Rally To Restore Sanity Amongst Seattle Sports Fans

If the Charlie Whitehurst versus Matt Hasselbeck debate has taught us anything, it’s that a pretentious jackass is the worst kind of sports fan there is.

Since that fateful day when the Seahawks gave up a third-round pick for Whitehurst, a quarterback controversy has been brewing in Seattle. And fueling that controversy are a contingent of fanatics who don’t know their elbows from their asses.

On either side of the spectrum, you have the Hasselbeck Sucks squad battling the Whitehurst Is Terrible crew. The pro-Hasselbecks believe No. 8 is God. Once upon a time, he led our team to a Superbowl, plus he’s a pretty nice dude. Hence, he can commit no fallacy. The pro-Whitehursts realize that Hasselbeck is past his prime, but more than that they believe that if Whitehurst isn’t Zeus, he might as well be Jesus (looks notwithstanding).

Fact is, they’re both wrong.

Between Facebook, Twitter, mainstream media, and the sports blogosphere, I’ve seen enough written about Hasselbeck v. Whitehurst to last a lifetime. Unfortunately for society, most of it is complete crap.

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The Fans Are Restless

*Editor’s note: I received this well-written email in my inbox from a Husky fan who wishes to remain anonymous. It’s a good follow-up from yesterday’s column on the University of Washington’s return policy. Check it.

I never leave sporting events early, but I seriously wanted to leave after only the first quarter of the Huskies’ embarrassing, lackluster performance against Stanford. I ended up staying to the bitter, acrid end, mostly because I was surrounded by good friends and we wanted to see what Keith Price had to offer in the fourth quarter.

In no way was my staying to the end related to getting my money’s worth. From 21-0 Stanford on, there was nothing the Dawgs could do to justify my expenditures on that particular game.
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Dear Washington: What’s Your Return Policy?


I would like to make a return.

You see, I purchased these tickets to a football game, but the thing is one of the teams didn’t show up. And, you know, if only one team is playing, it’s not really a game. Which is why I deserve to get my money back.

You’re probably not going to refund me, and I understand that. Customer service isn’t a strong suit for a state-run university. Or a state-run anything, for that matter. But that’s another rant for another day. We don’t need to go there.

Fact is, I was conned out of my hard-earned cash by you guys and I’d like to be made whole.

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A Nuckin Futs Account of Gameday Debauchery

*Editor’s note: This is really long.

Nuckin futs and unbuckingfelievable are two of my all-time favorite sayings. You can have so much fun with those phrases without crossing any lines of decency. Like doing root beer kegstands. Woohoo.

You’re probably thinking I’m referring to the Huskies’ double-overtime victory over Oregon State with that headline up there. And I am. In part.

In actuality, the entire day from start to finish was nuckin futs, not just the nearly four hours of game play that unfolded at Husky Stadium on Saturday evening. And so, because I believe in full disclosure (or at least almost full disclosure), and because I feel it’s valuable to take you through a fan’s gameday experience, I give you this detailed account of Tailgate Saturday. All I ask up front is that you please forgive me. Apologies.

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Uninspired By Washington

How uninspiring are the Huskies right now? Forget bad. Forget inconsistent. Forget boring. They are clearly all of those things. It’s their absolute inability to inspire that should drive you up the wall.

Coming off a 32-31 last-second victory in Southern California a week ago, I expected to be inspired on Saturday. We all did.

The Dawgs were back home facing an Arizona State squad that hadn’t won a contest in nearly a month.

The rain was pouring down, the kickoff was in prime time, and the momentum prior to the opening whistle belonged entirely to Washington. The stage was set for this team to put together back-to-back wins for the first time this season.

And then that happened.

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Look, don’t put too much stock into reading the interwebs on a day like today. Let me be straight with you. For most of the next 13 or 14 hours, I’m gonna be outside, in the rain, drinking beverages of an adult nature, enjoying life with my friends, while hoping against hope that the Huskies can beat up on Arizona State. That’s just the way it is. I wouldn’t trust an avid web surfer on a Saturday. You shouldn’t either.

I wish I could give you something more inspiring. I’ve had a very motivating week, myself. I feel like a better person thanks to the last five days. In fact, I really feel like I should be out doing something more important than tossing ping-pong balls into cups and processing liquids like a machine.

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UW, Media Share Blame For Heisman Flop

I don’t know Jake Locker.

I don’t know Locker’s state of mind after a 4-for-20 passing performance against a dominant Nebraska football team on Saturday afternoon.

I don’t know how Locker is reacting as fans and media members debate his future following one miserable outing.

And I certainly don’t know how Locker feels about certain words like “hype” and “Heisman.”

But I do know two things.

One, Jake Locker is a better quarterback than he appeared to be just a few short days ago.

And two, it was wrong of the University of Washington to concern Locker with the unenviable curse of the Heisman propaganda machine when wins — yes, wins, those elusive outcomes that have been hard to come by for the Huskies as of late  — were at stake.

Face it. A Heisman trophy winner typically plays for a team that records at least nine wins in a 12-game season. The Washington Huskies are a ballclub that logged all of five victories a year ago. A four-game improvement would be an absolute task, one that would require a Herculean effort from not just the quarterback, but all of his teammates as well. Is it really fair to expect that from a program that, entering 2010, had won just nine games over the entire course of Locker’s three-year playing career? That’s asking a lot from a leader who has given everything to the purple and gold since arriving on campus in 2006.

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