Category Archives: Featured Articles

Boner of the Year Award: AFA celebrates Homosexual victory

There were few flubs this year that compared to the one made by the American Family Association. The American Family Association is an ultra-conservative “family” organization that promotes their spin on Biblical values via the internet, a recipe for disaster if there ever was one. The AFA ratcheted up the protection of their moral rights this summer by opting to censor certain words on their site using the Worst Invention Ever: auto find-and-replace.

*Side Note: Auto find-and-replace is a horrible, horrible invention. Whoever invented it needs to have their name changed to “Poop Johnson.” That way, they’ll fully understand the power of their monstrous creation. No one actually uses auto find-and-replace to do anything productive. Auto find-and-replace was invented for evil pixies who hack computer databases and hijack report papers before replacing words like “the” with words like “boobies.” Nice job, auto find-and-replace inventor.

The specific word the AFA wanted to censor was “gay.” They chose to find-and-replace all instances of the word “gay” with the word “homosexual” instead. You can probably see where this is headed.

During the Summer Olympics, the AFA website picked up an AP news feed regarding none other than American sprinter Tyson Gay. Yes. Instead of “Tyson Gay wins…,” the headline read “Tyson Homosexual wins…” This isn’t the first time this booboo has occurred, either. Just ask Memphis Grizzlies star Rudy Gay. But really, what else would you expect from an organization that petitions the FCC every time an episode of The Simpsons airs.

Is this the type of Gay we want our children emulating?

In order to properly acknowledge the accomplishments of the AFA, we here at Seattle Sportsnet came up with a more complete list of words that the webmasters at should consider censoring in the future. Feel free to contribute your own ideas, as well.

  • Dick, Wang, Cock. Instead of the more offensive terms for male genitalia, let’s just go ahead and replace those with the old standard, “Penis.” As in, “Penis Vitale elected to College Basketball Hall of Fame,” “Chien-Ming Penis gets victory for Yankees,” and “Pedro Martinez spotted at illegal penis fight.”
  • Balls. Not as appropriate as “testicles,” so we’ll pull the old switcharoo. As in, “Two testicles and one strike.”
  • Pujols. Simply not the kind of name parents should have to try and explain to their children. We’ll go with “anal orifices” instead. As in, “Now batting for the Cardinals, Albert Anal Orifices!”
  • JaMarcus. Not really offensive, but ethnic enough to scare off the most conservative families. Replaced with “Steve,” as in “Steve Russell under center for Raiders.”
  • Boner. The proper term is “erection.” As in, “AFA wins Erection of the Year Award.”
  • Sack. In health class, it’s called a “scrotum,” so that’s what we’ll call it, too. As in, “Michael Strahan with a huge scrotum!”
  • First Base, Second Base, Third Base, Home Plate. To be replaced by “Friendship,” “First Date,” “Hand holding,” and “Marriage.”

There you go. No one can say we don’t do our part to help out American families. Feel free to check out the AFA website by clicking here and let them know that former Major League pitcher and ex-Mariner Homosexuallord Perry sends his best wishes.

Beyond Seattle: Belichick’s Goodfellas whacked after tumultuous tenures

The movie Goodfellas is your classic Mafia tragedy. Main character Henry, played by Ray Liotta, works his way into the local Italian Mafia, climbs the ladder to Mafioso prominence, and *Spoiler Alert* ultimately betrays the gangster family members he’s grown close to over the years. Like most tragedies, almost all the people surrounding our hero (Henry) go down in flames by the end of the film.

In the cutthroat world of the NFL, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick is not unlike a Mafia boss. Mysterious, important, rather unfriendly, and seemingly larger than life, Belichick plays the role of Goodfellas character Paulie, the mob boss who orchestrates the activities of his clan. Like Paulie, Belichick has cronies who act as go-betweens on trivial matters (assistant coaches), has goons who carry out his every order (the players), and has a network of associate bosses that handle operations in other parts of the country (pupils who are now head coaches).

In perhaps the beginning of the end for the Belichick family of gangsters, two of Belichick’s one-time underlings were fired as head coaches this morning, amidst a day of rampant activity in NFL front offices. Romeo Crennel, ex-coach of the Cleveland Browns, and Eric Mangini, ex-coach of the New York Jets were the two casualties, underscoring the failure of Belichick’s former disciples across all of football. Crennel and Mangini were axed due to less-than-satisfactory win-loss records during their brief tenures at the helm, as nearly all the graduates of the Bill Belichick School of Coaching have had bumpy roads on their way to the top.

Crennel, a defensive mind, could never get his Browns to play defense. They barely played offense this year, either, despite coming off a 2007 season that saw them just miss the playoffs. Mangini, a salty curmudgeon at the age of 37, was burdened by a lack of personality (not unlike his mentor) and an inability to win ballgames down the stretch (the Jets lost four of their last five and missed out on the playoffs in their final game).

Another member of the Belichick Clan is Notre Dame head coach Charlie Weis, a man on the hottest of seats after avoiding the chopping block during a rocky 2008 campaign. Weis, who like Mangini and Belichick suffered from an inability to relate socially with other human beings, has softened up his personality after the humbling events of the past two seasons in South Bend. If he’s able to make it through 2009, it will be a major coup.

Other more successful clients of Belichick & Sons include Alabama head coach Nick Saban (see: personality issues, inabililty to relate with people) and Virginia head coach Al Groh (fired his own son to save his job).

When a coach has as much success as Belichick has had, it only makes sense to target his assistants as your team’s next head coach. Interestingly enough, though, the less-than-amiable Belichick, who struggled mightily himself before finding success in New England, has produced few quality coaches in his years as skipper. Belichick’s undoing will ultimately be his inability to win ballgames at some point down the line. But in the meantime, we can argue that his lack of production when it comes to coaches serves as a symbol of his teaching failures during his NFL tenure. You’re only as good as the people you surround yourself with, in which case Belichick might just be about as bad as they come.

The most overblown sports stories of 2008

Love ’em or hate ’em, we’re done with these stories. Some are good, some are bad, but all are yesterday’s news. With the departure of 2008, we can leave these sports stories behind us and cherish their memories as we move into a new year. Without further ado, and in no particular order, on to the stories.

Michael Phelps wins eight gold medals. You can’t deny the accomplishment: simply amazing, a feat that will likely go unmatched for years. Likewise, you can’t deny that you don’t care anymore. After about the one-millionth news segment on Phelps’ size 14 feet, 100 billion calorie a day diet, and mom Debbie, we knew more about Michael Phelps than we did most of our family members. Sure, we might love the guy for what he’s done, but that doesn’t change the fact that we’re sick and tired of hearing about him.

Sports Illustrated named Phelps “Sportsperson of the Year” and if you actually read the article that recapped the articles that recapped the champion, then you yourself deserve eight gold medals just for perservering through what you already knew. Like watching the TBS version of Rudy for the tenth Saturday afternoon in a row, you couldn’t pull yourself away from an overcooked, watered down tale of heroism that had been played out one too many times in sugar coated fashion. Which is why we’re here to help you let go. It’s ok to let go.

Boston Celtics win NBA championship. Nobody likes Boston to begin with, which made hearing about this story all the more unbearable. We had to hear about how Paul Pierce was now and forever the next great Celtic legend, how Ray Allen finally validated a career on the outside looking in, and how Kevin Garnett thought “ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!”

All an NBA championship means is that fans of 29 other teams hate your guts, while only one team’s fans get the opportunity to celebrate. If you want to become the most reviled sports story of most people’s year, just go ahead and win yourself a championship of some kind.

Brett Favre is (un)retired. The one thing most people took away from the whole Brett Favre retirement saga is that the people’s quarterback is actually kind of a jerk. The man who announced he was hanging ’em up on national TV, in front of our very eyes, with tears streaming down his cheeks decided he didn’t want to quit after all. He manipulated a Packers organization, who had rolled out the red carpet in the direction of Favre’s couch, into taking him back. Then, he told them he would only play as a starter, despite the fact that the franchise had already bestowed that distinction upon Favre’s ex-understudy, Aaron Rodgers. After that, he pulled strings and forced Green Bay to kowtow to the wishes of Brett Favre, master puppeteer. By bluffing on an empty hand, Favre did his best to get his former employers to ship him off to a nearby division rival in Chicago or Minnesota. When those plans fell through, the future Hall of Fame quarterback seemed content upon landing in Tampa Bay. Instead, lo and behold, Broadway Brett became a New York Jet.

Away from the security of small-town Green Bay, Favre was spotlighted in the city that never sleeps, a city that is more anti-Favre than perhaps any other. Here, he appeared to emote displeasure with his surroundings and will cap off an up-and-down season this Sunday with no chance at making the playoffs. How the mighty have fallen.

Yep, we’re done with the Favre drama of 2008. The Favre drama of 2009, however, is just around the corner.

Honorable mention: Tiger’s gimpy U.S. Open victory; Plax shoots himself in leg; McNabb unaware that games can end in ties.

The State of Seattle Sports

I was reading Sports Illustrated today when I came across an article titled “Sportspocalypse Now,” written by Chris Ballard. Depicting none other than our fair city, Ballard’s one-page essay was devoted to the sad state of athletics in Seattle. There was talk of the Sonics’ departure, naturally, as well as the trio of ineptitude in the forms of the Mariners, Seahawks, and Husky Football progam. Ballard went so far as to visit our city to fully immerse himself in the tragedy that is the Seattle sports scene.

Continue reading The State of Seattle Sports