Category Archives: Digressions

Digressions

Please God, make this man a Lion
Please God, make this man a Lion

Send Jay Cutler to the Lions, that’ll show him. If John Clayton says it, it must be true.  And right now J.C. is saying that the only two NFL teams capable of trading for Broncos QB Jay Cutler are the Cleveland Browns and Detroit Lions.  Yes.  Send him to Detroit where he can camp behind a shaky O-line and play in front of a morbid fan base.  There could be no greater justice in sports.

What’s worse than being a women’s college basketball analyst? Today on Sportscenter, NCAA Women’s College Basketball analyst Kara Lawson was being asked her take on the Women’s NCAA Tournament.  It was like listening to Charlie Brown’s teacher.  I heard “UConn” a bunch, then noise, then some more noise.  Mostly, I feel bad for Kara Lawson.  What does she do the rest of the year?  And I’m sure she has to have a grasp on the fact that few people care about what she’s saying.  Hopefully the paycheck atones for all that.

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Tiger and Barack should have a speak-off

Bob Ley is key.
Bob Ley is key.

I have a dream, and that dream is to witness a speak-off between Tiger Woods and Barack Obama.  It will be carried live on ESPN2 HD, at 1:30 PM, PDT.  Jim Rome will get the day off.

At precisely 1:31 PM, PDT, after a studio introduction by Bob Ley, the cameras will zoom in on a wooden table, resting atop a stage, in front of a capacity crowd at Radio City Music Hall.  There, sitting in glorious high-backed chairs facing one another across the length of the table will be Tiger Woods and Barack Obama.  Tiger will be on your left, Barack on your right.  They will simply be staring one another down.  No words will have yet been spoken, no emotion will as yet be displayed.

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Facebook findings, MIPs, nostalgic images, and other digressions

ronkittleHoly crapola, Ron Kittle is on Facebook! If you collected baseball cards as a kid like I did, you may very well know that Ron Kittle is a former Major League Baseball player who, in his heyday, was regarded as a power hitter with an inability to hit for average.  Baseball Reference compares Kittle favorably with the Steve Balbonis of our world, which is no compliment.

Anyways, long story short, Ron Kittle is our friend on Facebook, and he’s not the only semi-famous person we’ve made an acquaintance with recently.  We’ve also hooked it up with Mariner broadcaster Dave Sims (a true American hero); ESPN college basketball analyst Doug Gottlieb;  current Major Leaguers Jack Cust, Corey Patterson, Chad Billingsley, Jarrod Saltalamacchia, and others; Seattle’s own Felix Hernandez; quarterback Matt Leinart; journalists Peter Gammons and Jeff Pearlman; and even Sportscenter anchor and former KIRO TV sportscaster Linda Cohn.  You can find us on Facebook HERE.

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Wayne Chism’s headband, and other things that bother me in sports

A list of things that bother me in the world of sports.

nocanada-The Canadian National Anthem at sporting events. Let’s face it, Canada.  Without America, you’re nothing.  Instead of playing the Canadian National Anthem before games, we should just play the Star Spangled Banner twice.  Once for America, and once for our mooching cousin to the north.

-White boy college basketball players that play really, really hard but aren’t that good. These are the same people who will one day follow you home and kick your ass after you accidentally cut them off on the highway.  They’re willing to fight you over the answer to a trivia question, and are way too intense about the little things in life, like cupcakes…”THOSE ARE BEAUTIFUL CUPCAKES!!!”  Calm down, big fella.

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Digressions

SSN Fantasy Baseball League: Both Nate and myself will be hosting a Seattle Sportsnet fantasy baseball league for the coming season for those of you interested. We will be setting up a free, 12-team league through ESPN, and this will be your chance to take on the pseudo-experts. If you’d like to join, send us an email at seattlesportsnet@gmail.com and we’ll hook you up with all the info.

Continue reading to hear about Google PageRank, Bud Selig, and more…
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Why are you reading this? It’s Inauguration Day.

Because I know very few people will read this, I offer you some random digressions on sports that I’ve put together. Enjoy.

-Why hasn’t an opposing team’s fans ever started chanting “You are Gay!” at Rudy Gay? It only makes sense. I just hope I can be there when it happens.

-Xavier McDaniel (Sonics), Alvin Davis (Mariners), and John L. Williams (Seahawks) are three players that Seattle sports fans should have a special place for in their hearts.
-The best mascot name that has yet to be invented: Balls Tate, future mascot of Ball State University. Imagine the Western Kentucky mascot (pictured at left), but shaped like a scrotum.

-I’m pretty sure Dave Niehaus invented his “Grand Salami” call while pounding his wife.

-In case you were wondering whatever happened to Kurt Warner’s spiky-haired wife, she’s now pretty darn hot. Click here for more on that story, as well as pictures. A perfect example of what money can do for you.

-Athletes most likely to exit the closet in the next ten years: Derek Jeter, Dustin Pedroia, Tim Hardaway, Eli Manning.

-Names of players I’ve created on Madden or NCAA Football over the years: Woody Goldenrod, Wee Wang, Juan Aphilippines (sound it out, syllable by syllable), Boner Johnson, Deuce Moss.

-Why hasn’t an opposing team’s fans ever started chanting “You are Gay!” at Rudy Gay? It only makes sense. I just hope I can be there when it happens.

He’s Gay!

-A roster of the most obscure Mariners anyone could possibly think of at each position:

  • Pitcher, Jerry Don Gleaton.

  • Catcher, Bill McGuire.

  • First Base, Greg Pirkl.

  • Second Base, Brent Gates.

  • Third Base, Dave Cochrane.

  • Shortstop, Rey Quinones.

  • Outfield, Brian Turang.

  • Outfield, Quinn Mack.

  • Outfield, Warren Newsome.

-Names of players I want to create for Madden and/or NCAA Football after reviewing the list of names I’ve already created: Horace von Schnauzerface, Kareem Abdul-Smith, Tango McBerg, Konichi Wakamatsu.

-A short list of the best (term used loosely) sports comedy movies of all-time: Major League, Major League II, small doses of Major League III (if only because it’s so bad it’s funny, such as when they superimpose images of Taka Tanaka in the Metrodome because, presumably, they couldn’t get him to fly to Minnesota), Caddyshack, Bad News Bears, Happy Gilmore, Air Bud, The Sixth Man, Celtic Pride.


-An image from the soon-to-be-released Reggie Bush-Kim Kardashian sex tape:

And on that note, we are done. Check back later today for our feature article, and in the meantime, enjoy the inauguration.