If you’re like most Seattleites, chances are you spent the immediate seconds after Larry Fitzgerald’s second Superbowl touchdown catch celebrating the possibility of a Pittsburgh Steeler loss. Fitzgerald, who took a Kurt Warner pass up the middle of the field for a 64-yard score, gave the Arizona Cardinals a lead in the waning minutes of the fourth quarter before the Steelers answered right back with a game-winning TD of their own.
So it begins. The inevitable downfall of America’s hero, swimmer Michael Phelps. So quickly, too, we never saw it coming. Michael Phelps, a stoner? Apparently so. And with all his endorsement money, he can afford all the weed he wants to smoke.
Not that anyone cares. He’s still Michael Phelps, winningest Olympian in history, American hero. So we’ll gloss this over, pretend it never happened, accept Phelps’s apology, and move on. Everyone gets one.
No one cares that Pittsburgh won. I don’t care. You don’t care. We all do not care. We hate the Steelers. We revile Ben Roethlisberger’s unusually chubby, reconstructed face. We despise the angry little Korean man residing in half of Hines Ward. We want to hack off Troy Polamalu’s greasy locks. To sum it up, the Pittsburgh faithful can take their six Superbowl trophies, and fornicate themselves.
All that said, the Superbowl is much bigger than the Pittsburgh Steelers, the Arizona Cardinals, or even John Madden. Sure, you might remember Larry Fitzgerald’s mad dash to a futile score, or Santonio Holmes’s miracle game-winning catch, but chances are you’re waaaaaaaay more pumped about Transformers 2, G.I. Joe, or even Danica Patrick’s morning shower. Which is why we’re here to dissect the Super day that was. If it happened between 3:00 and 7:30 PM yesterday and couldn’t be found in the “real news,” we’ve got your analysis right here.
Citing the desire to prevent at-risk youths from committing the same mistakes he made during his adolescence, Holmes revealed the details of his former dealer lifestyle, a story he’d only told “three or four people about” before yesterday.
Holmes, who was cited for marijuana possession earlier this season, described how he avoided the pitfalls of pre-pubescent drug dealing that many kids fall into. He would head to school under the watchful eye of his mother, before skipping out in favor of the street corner. That’s how you do it, kids!
If you want to teach kids about the evil side effects of steroid usage, look no further than Kirk Radomski’s head. An oddly bulbous half-square, half-orb, Radomski’s noggin should be featured in its own infomercial with the message “Don’t do steroids…or you’ll look like this guy.”
Let’s take a look back at a happier time, the 1980’s to be precise, when Kirk Radomski still had a regular-size melon. Here he is with Dwight Gooden:
Now let’s examine the ’90’s version of Kirk Radomski. The once-girlish frame is gone, replaced by a freakishly disproportionate number of muscles. In addition, the head has changed shape, evolving from your standard oval to a Transformer-like rectangle. Nice tan, by the way. Ladies, he’s available.
Finally we have Kirk Radomski, 2009. Combining both human and robot elements, Radomski’s cranium defies the laws of nature and seems to explode from the cheeks outward. His eyes, once normally aligned in the center of his dome, now appear beady and shoved together. From the nose up, we see Shrek. From the nose down, a chipmunk storing nuts for the winter. To top it all off, the once muscle-infested body now more closely resembles a beer keg.
*Photos courtesy ESPN.com.
Superbowl week got you down? That’s why we’re here, to lift your spirits and make life worthwhile once again. Stick with us and come Sunday you’ll be in full Party Mode, ready to watch the lesser of two evils emerge as the best team in the NFL. With most Seattleites having zero vested rooting interest in either Pittsburgh or Arizona, we’ve come up with a list of things we all want to see happen during the Big Game.
6. Larry Fitzgerald retire from football. The Cardinals have just won the Superbowl and Fitzgerald is handed a mic on the makeshift podium at midfield. He then issues this brief statement: “I just want to take this opportunity to announce that I’m retiring from the game of football. Also, I’m the luckiest man on the face of the earth. Thank you.” Defensive backs around the league fund the going-away party, and Fitzgerald takes off on an intellectual quest of some sort around the globe, never to be seen or heard from again. He leaves football at the top of his game, and carves a Barry Sanders-esque mythical legend. The Seahawks go on to reclaim the division title in ’09 by sweeping Arizona. All is right with the world.
- Over 50 years of age.
- Male (meaning no boobs, unless you up and decide to forgo other criteria and book Charlie Weis, Bill Parcells, or the lead singer of Rascal Flatts).
- Non-ethnic (meaning no big physical features that could possibly elude clothing).
- Heterosexual (meaning no Clay Aiken, no Lance Bass, no Elton John, no George Michael, and no Michael McDonald).
None of this.
8. Tim Hightower get mauled by a lion. Okay, this is more of a personal matter involving me and Hightower, but it’s worth noting. Hightower is the Cardinals number two running back and a perennial underachiever since about midseason. Over the course of the 2008 fantasy season, I picked the bastard up off waivers three separate times (meaning I had dropped him twice in between) in hopes of snaring lightning in a bottle. For a few weeks, the strategy worked. Hightower started the year as a goal-line back, taking touchdowns away from Edgerrin James. Then, with James’ struggles, Hightower emerged as the starter. That’s when everything went dark. Hightower laid an egg the remainder of the year, then crapped all over my fantasy team, the Compton Honkies. Sure, the Honkies finished the season second overall, but the drop in morale likely cost us the championship (I take my fantasy seriously). Ultimately, I was forced to send Hightower to the waiver wire a third time when the season was complete. It’s a keeper league, so the move had repercussions, but in the end I just wasn’t willing to give Hightower another chance.
9. A sinkhole swallow up both teams during the game. What better way to get revenge on two of our rivals then to witness the earth devour them, coaches and all, during the Superbowl? Short of every player tearing his ACL and being forced to sit out the ’09 season, this would be sweet, sweet justice for Hawks fans everywhere. Forced to pick a winner between two teams you would hate to see come out on top, your dilemma is resolved now that they’ve completely disappeared into the Land of the Lost. It’s a celebration!
During Saturday’s Arizona-Houston men’s basketball game, Arizona forward Chase Budinger was on the receiving end of an Aubrey Coleman head trampling that, to anyone outside of Stevie Wonder or Helen Keller, was clearly intentional.
The events transpired immediately following a charging foul call on Houston’s Coleman. Budinger, who took the charge, was sprawled on the ground before falling victim to Coleman’s best attempt at a curb stomp. Pretty cold blooded if you ask me.
Worse yet, Coleman (who was ejected shortly thereafter) could be seen celebrating with teammates following his violent outburst.
Houston coach Tom Penders, who apparently condones this sort of thing, defended his player’s actions after the game. “I know Aubrey, and I have never seen him lose his temper or composure or anything,” said Penders. “I’m just sorry the official interpreted [the stomp] that way. The way I saw it, Aubrey got tangled, and his momentum carried him forward, and I think it was a mistake.” Penders, I think your parents fornicating was a mistake. As for Coleman, a month suspension wouldn’t be out of the question. There are just some things you don’t do.