Top 11: Twitter Avatars and What They Say About You

twittereggYour Twitter avatar is more than just a picture on a page. It’s a reflection of who you are, and the first thing everyone sees when they come across your profile.

While it may seem like each avatar is unique, there are a number of different categories into which every photo  can fall. Today, we examine the meanings behind 11 of those categories.

What does your Twitter avatar say about you? Let’s find out.

11. The Celebrity

Key Indicator: 

The face of a famous person anyone with two eyes and a brain would recognize.

Profile:

Hey, look, it’s not you. We know it’s not you because we’re pretty sure that’s Ryan Gosling, and you are definitely not Ryan Gosling. If you were Ryan Gosling, you’d likely have more than 74 followers and proudly display a blue-and-white checkmark next to your name. You can’t fool us, Not Ryan Gosling.

What Your Avatar Says About You:

It’s entirely possible that you may simply be paying tribute to the celebrity in your avatar. Maybe this person just passed away or accomplished some historic feat that is worthy of you attempting to convince everyone on social media that you bear this famous individual’s likeness, when in fact you do not.

More likely, however, you want people to think of a celebrity when they think of you. And that’s not a terrible strategy. You are probably not as beautiful, not as witty, not as charming, not as wealthy, and certainly not as recognizable as the celeb you’ve chosen to imitate.

Though everyone who happens to peruse your account will walk away one-hundred-percent certain that you are not Ryan Gosling, you may in fact capture the hearts and minds of readers by associating such a beautiful human with your unworthy ass.  And maybe that’s all it takes.

10. The Mirror Selfie

Key Indicator:

An image of a person holding a phone in a bathroom or bedroom, smiling, but staring down and to the left or right, as if distracted by what’s going on in the corner of your laptop screen.

Profile:

You have a home. Good for you. You’re not a total degenerate. We know you have a home because you took this picture in one of the rooms inside your home. We can tell because there’s your toothpaste, and there’s your perfume, and there’s your hairbrush, and there’s your sink, and there’s your vibrator that you forgot to put away, and there’s your soap. Thank you for showing us your home.

What Your Avatar Says About You:

You’re a strong, independent woman who don’t need no man! No, seriously. You clearly took this picture with the help of no one. You’re independent as fuck.

Judging by your avatar alone, no one takes better pictures of you than you. And thanks to the ancient technology of the reflection, you can take great pictures of yourself every time you finish dropping a deuce or drying your hair. Fantastic.

However, take too many of these mirror selfies and people may begin to see you as a bit of a narcissist. Fair warning here, society does judge these sorts of things, and once we’ve seen one mirror selfie, we’ve basically seen them all.

So use your bathroom time wisely. And maybe remember to hide that vibrator in the future.

9. The Egg

Key Indicator:

A fucking egg.

Profile:

What the hell, bro? Twitter gave you that egg by default. They were hoping you’d be so put off by the veritable nothingness of an unborn bird that you’d go and change your avatar right away. You can change it to any other image you want. You can upload a picture of a puppy. You can upload a picture of tree. You can upload a picture of the ocean. If you’re feeling particularly adventurous, you can upload a picture of yourself. You can even upload a picture of a fancier egg, if you like. Pick any other picture in existence and replace the egg. Seriously. Just do it already.

What Your Avatar Says About You:

It’s fairly simple: You’re either lazy or old.

You’re either so goddamn lazy that you couldn’t work up the desire to upload a new picture, or you’re a senior citizen. There are really no other options here.

If you fall into the lazy category, get off your ass and do something, you invalid.

If you’re old, do what you always do and call a young person for help. This isn’t like setting up a wifi network or uncovering the mysteries of the cloud. This is easy. A young person can get you up and running with a new avatar in under a minute. And when they’re done, that still leaves you plenty of time to converse about what happened at water aerobics last week, your ongoing battle with the gout, or which of your friends kicked the bucket this week.

8. The Group Shot

Key Indicator:

Multiple people in the same photo, at least one of whom is attractive, and at least one of whom is not.

Profile:

How on earth did you cram a half-dozen people into that tiny square? That box was strategically designed for a portrait of you and only you. Yet here we have you and your five hottest sorority sisters. This defies the laws of physics and geometry, but somehow you’ve managed to pull it off. Bravo.

What Your Avatar Says About You:

You’re the ugly one.

That’s what everyone will assume, at least.

A handful of thirsty dudes will still slide up into those DMs hoping that maybe, just maybe, you’re one of the five other babes in the picture. But once you confirm their suspicions, you won’t be hearing from those shallow-ass bastards any longer. And frankly, maybe that’s for the best.

Look, we all have our insecurities. We all have shit we’re worried about, shit we don’t like about ourselves. Don’t let those little blemishes we all possess keep you from being proud of who you are. You are beautiful. In every single way. Words can’t bring you down.

Or maybe just get uglier friends, I don’t know. You do you.

7. The Name-Dropper

Key Indicator:

Two people in the same shot, one of whom is famous, and one of whom is not.

Profile:

That guy on the left smiling like a doofus is definitely you. I’d recognize you anywhere. Because the guy on the right is a completely nonplussed Mike Tyson, and last I checked, there weren’t any dudes by the name of “Ira Abramowitz” who happened to resemble the former heavyweight champion of the world. We get it, Ira. You met the champ. And according to the date in the picture you’ve scanned, you met him in November of 1999. About time we updated the look, don’t you think?

What Your Avatar Says About You:

Let’s go with a compliment sandwich here. Two good things, one bad.

First good thing: You are in the picture. That’s great! That puts you a step ahead of No. 11 on our list, so be proud.

Okay, now the bad thing: You’re a name-dropper. All things considered, that’s not so bad. You’re not a criminal. You’re not an egomaniac. We could continue on with a complete list of things you are not, but that might take some time, so let’s just focus on what you in fact are.

A name-dropper eagerly seeks out any opportunity to interject the names of all the well-renowned people he’s ever met. Your coworker just went to Vegas? Guess what?! In 1999, you went to Vegas, too! And wouldn’t you know it, while you were there you happened to meet Mike Tyson outside the MGM Grand! And… wait, hold on, there’s a picture here somewhere, hold on just a minute… oh, that’s right, now you remember, it’s your goddamn Twitter avatar! Here, have a look at that! There he is, Mike Tyson, himself! And you, Ira Abramowitz, in your oversized Polo Sport t-shirt and puka shell necklace. Great story, Ira.

Second good thing: you got rid of the oversized Polo Sport t-shirt and puka shell necklace. Some people still wear that stuff like long, lost members of a second-rate boy band. But not you. At least there’s that.

6. The Headshot

Key Indicator:

A picture of one’s head.

Profile:

Are you lost? Are you under the impression that this is LinkedIn? What the hell is going on here? I mean, that’s definitely your face. And I’m quite confident that’s your neck. But what’s up with the white background and the professional quality of this image? Did you pay a studio photographer to take your picture? Dude. Dude.

What Your Avatar Says About You:

You’re here for business. You’re not here for games. Don’t be playing games with you, because you’re not about that life.

It’s possible that your employer forced you to create this profile. Maybe you’re a journalist or a news personality or some other shepherd of information who has no choice but to establish a social media presence. For that reason alone, it makes sense that you’ve chosen a work pic to announce yourself to the world.

If Twitter wasn’t imposed upon you, though, what the hell, man? Are you trying to trick us into thinking you have a job or something? Why you gotta be all professional and shit? You’re not pulling the wool over our eyes. If you can’t crop the red party cups and gratuitous middle fingers out of a shot of you looking suave at a party like the rest of us, then get out, just get the hell out.

5. Shirtless Gym Bro

Key Indicator:

A fit dude with no shirt on, posing, flexing, or otherwise doing something intended to arouse women.

Profile:

You must work out. Look at you. If the avatar didn’t tip us off, all 738 photos you’ve posted on your timeline are various incarnations of you without a top on.

You’ve somehow managed to turn loving yourself into an art form, and your only hope is that some lucky lady out there responds in kind to these not-so-subtle hints at your own greatness so that you can finally pleasure yourself in the company of a partner.

What Your Avatar Says About You:

Murderers and terrorists aside, you’re basically the worst kind of human there is. Your ego has you convinced that you’re a superhero of some sort, that your quest for physical perfection makes you a bastion of fitness and health that everyone else should revere, and that your half-nakedness somehow perpetuates a greater cause we can all believe in.

You’re an idiot, of course. But your self-absorption won’t allow you to improve upon your utter stupidity, which is truly unfortunate. Further evidence can be found in the illegal steroids you vehemently deny you’ve ever injected into your body, and in all likelihood you will perish after suffering a drug-induced heart attack at the age of 50.

Until then, your remarkable physique will rival only your remarkable vanity as you continue to grace the internet with the ticking time bomb that is your temple of a body.

4. The Romantic

Key Indicator:

Two people clearly in love, side by side.

Profile:

Congratulations, Romeo. And you too, Juliet. You found love. And then you went out and cast the light of that love all over social media with this picture of the two of you that now represents a single account.

What Your Avatar Says About You:

Well, to be honest, we aren’t quite sure if this is his account or hers. Neither one of you was willing to crop the other out of the pic, which we sort of understand. But come on. This profile belongs to one of you, not both. Take a mirror selfie if you have to.

The confusion really doesn’t matter, I suppose, since you and your significant other now speak with a solitary voice. You’re two peas in a pod, joined at the hip.

To prove it, you’ve checked off the entire list of things ultra-committed couples do to showcase their ultra-commitment:

  • You’ve abandoned all your old friends.
  • You’ve purchased a house far from everyone you used to care about.
  • You’ve stopped doing fun shit on the weekends.
  • You’ve trashed your entire cache of spank bank.
  • You call each other and talk on the telephone whenever you’re apart.

All the bases are covered. And your avatar only further demonstrates an undying love that will last forever and ever, ‘til death do you part.

Or until one of you cheats, at which point we’ll grab our popcorn and refresh our feeds as fast as we can.

3. The Old You

Key Indicator:

A great picture of you looking your very best – from many, many years in the past.

Profile:

Everyone come see how good you look. Radiant smile, well-coiffed hair, beautiful tan. You look damn swell. Anyone would want to get with that.

But wait a minute. What’s that? This picture is from a decade ago? Well, what do you look like these days? It can’t be that bad. Let’s see a current photo. Come on. Let’s see – oh god, no! What the hell happened?!

What Your Avatar Says About You:

Not unlike Rob Kardashian, you let yourself go a little bit and you know it. No shame in that. We’ve all been there, and we’re all constantly working to get back to what we used to have.

But you’re not quite ready to let go of the glory days, which is understandable. They’re called the glory days for a reason, after all.

That said, a constant reminder of a version of yourself that you can never fully regain might not be the healthiest way to approach your future. You can certainly pay homage to your past in other ways, while still acknowledging your present.

Or whatever. We’re not doctors. Don’t listen to us. Do whatever you want.

2. The Team Logo

Key Indicator:

The logo of a sports team.

Profile:

Hey, is this the official account of the ol’ ball team? Oh, wait, nope, it’s just some dude.

What Your Avatar Says About You:

You’re a big fan. Maybe the biggest fan. You’re here with one goal in mind: To outfan all the other fans, because screw those fans, they don’t fan as hard as you.

You’re such a huge fan that you’ve chosen to take this tiny little square bestowed upon you as a place to express your own personal likeness and have filled it with the logo of your favorite ball club. Nothing else matters in life.

You love this team so much that when they win, you will direct a slew of expletives at your opponent’s fans. And when they lose, well, you’ll direct an equally impressive slew of expletives at anyone who so much as looks at you.

You may be what experts call “clinically insane” and might possibly have what a court of law has labeled an “anger management problem,” but who gives a damn. A few restraining orders and an assault charge or two won’t slow you down.

This team needs you. This team is you. The line between where this team ends and where you begin is decidedly grey. Go team. Go you.

1. The Child

Key Indicator:

A small person who is not well-aged.

Profile:

What’s a kid doing on Twitter? And a kid with a real mouth on him, no less. I should give this kid a piece of my mind. I can’t do that to a kid, though. Damn it. I hate this kid.

What Your Avatar Says About You:

You’re probably not a juvenile. Judging by your timeline, if you are a juvenile, you’re a juvenile delinquent. Because you’ve been drinking, smoking, and f-bombing all up and down this bitch. You’re a real asshole, kid.

No, in all likelihood, you’re an adult. Albeit an adult who has chosen to represent yourself as a child. And that’s not such a bad idea, when you think about it. Because who’s really going to flip shit to a picture of a kid?

But who is this kid?

It could be your kid, perhaps. Maybe this is your lovely offspring who is unwittingly having his or her face dragged through the mud by your Twittering ass. Thanks, pop.

It could also be you as a kid. Here’s a good look at you, before you transformed into the hideous creature you are today. Smart.

Or maybe it’s just a stock photo of a kid you found in a Google Image search. But let’s hope not. That’d be weird.

Anyway, we get what you’re doing. You’re using this innocent little creature, whoever it may be, as a buffer to keep you far from confrontation. Of all the things that have ever been done online, this is hardly the dumbest.

One thought on “Top 11: Twitter Avatars and What They Say About You”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s