Know Your F@#%ing Opponent: Chicago Bears


Hello 12th People, and welcome to another Blue Friday. Today marks the third installment of our weekly preview on the Seahawks’ 2015 opponents. Our subject on this particular Friday: the Chicago Bears.

The Chicago Bears. My god, are they bad. This might very well be the worst team in the NFL, which may come as a shock to some of you since it wasn’t that long ago the Bears were actually decent. But man oh man, have they found ways to make themselves shitty the past couple seasons.

Let’s start from the top.

Following the 2012 campaign, the Bears fired head coach Lovie Smith, who didn’t totally suck. Rather than hire a better version of Smith to lead them, Chicago panicked and snagged Marc Trestman from the CFL. That’s right, Canada. They hired a quarterbacks guru from football’s minor leagues and expected it to work out. Naturally, it did not.

Besides looking like a guy who should be doing your taxes, Trestman just wasn’t that great at his job. The offense did improve under his watch, but the once-proud Bears defense crumbled. Chicago managed a .500 record in 2013, then scuffled to a 5-11 finish a year ago. That led to Trestman’s ouster, which brings us to where we are today.

Enter John Fox, former skipper of the Broncos and Panthers, who took the helm back in January. You may remember Fox as the guy who led Denver to a 43-8 Super Bowl throttling at the hands of your Seattle Seahawks. It was pretty sweet.

Poor Fox took over a Bears team in complete disrepair. They’re trying to rebuild, yet still retain far too many underperforming veterans to really be making much progress. This club will be lucky to match their win total of a season ago, and will look to notch their first victory of the season on Sunday.

But there’s no way in hell that happens.

Should the Seahawks somehow find a way to succumb to the lowly Bears, you can turn your panic level up to 12 because, at that point, the shit will have fully hit the fan. Chicago really, really, really blows chunks this year.

If things weren’t bad enough already, the Bears now enter this week’s contest without their starting quarterback, out due to injury. So instead of Jay Cutler throwing pick after pick behind a shoddy offensive line, the Legion of Boom will be feasting on the wayward tosses of backup Jimmy Clausen, who for some reason is still employed by an NFL team. The University of Notre Dame has churned out its fair share of truly terrible quarterbacks, and Clausen is the active leader in the clubhouse among Fighting Irish signal-callers who continue the tradition of fighting to keep their jobs.

There is absolutely nothing about Jimmy Clausen that screams “athlete.” He has the face of a preppy douchebag, his build is on par with a grocery store bagboy, and he’s about as mobile as a potato. He is awful, just awful, and the fact that he has to go against one of the best defenses in the league will surely lead to his demise. Should Clausen make it through four quarters of football on Sunday without dying, consider the day a success. This will be an absolute bloodbath. RIP, James Clausen.

Worse yet, their second-string passer will attempt to maneuver the offense without his No. 1 wideout. Alshon Jeffery, stricken by a sore hamstring, will not play in Sunday’s game. That leaves Chicago with a receiving corps headlined by a second-tier tight end (Martellus Bennett, brother of Michael) and the most talented pass-catcher to ever quit on Mike Leach’s Washington State Cougars (Marquess Wilson). Veteran Eddie Royal, who looks exactly like Chris Tucker, will look to stretch the field and haul in a deep ball or three. Sadly, Clausen can’t throw farther than 25 yards, so Royal’s effort will prove futile.

In the backfield, the Bears will lean heavily on tailback Matt Forte, who is the goddamn oldest 29-year-old you’ve ever seen. Forte could pass as Common’s dad, yet he’s not even 30. It makes no sense whatsoever. The guy has seemingly been in the league since he was 12, yet here he remains as one of the only talented members of an untalented crew. Good for Forte for trying, though. In a year he’ll lose his spot to Michigan State product Jeremy Langford, sign on with a team like the Falcons, enjoy two or three more seasons of first-round playoff exits, then retire and be forgotten. The life of an aging running back, I suppose.

On defense, Chicago features a bunch of guys who will make you want to gouge your eyes out, then punt them across the room like you’re Bruce Irvin with Jimmy Graham’s football. Most of the dudes the Bears run out there to try and slow opposing offenses down are a year away from wearing polo shirts that read “Sandwich Artist” on the chest.

Even the nerdiest of football nerds can’t figure out if the Bears are rostering real human beings on defense or poorly-designed create-a-players with shitty names. Lamin Barrow? Jermon Bushrod? Sherrick McManis? Brontavious Robinson? One of those guys isn’t even a real person. I just made up a name, printed it, and left you to figure out who doesn’t exist. And the sad part is, you don’t even know which guy is the fake and which three are real! That’s how bad these guys are. Made-up people of my own creation are equally as good as the genuine article. That’s some shit.

The Bears do have Jared Allen, however, who used to be really good. Allen, you may recall, spurned the Seahawks in free agency a year ago to sign with Chicago. How’s that working out, Jared? When he’s able to fire up the ol’ Rascal scooter and weave his way through traffic like Stephen Hawking at an alien convention, Allen flashes the talent he’s possessed for a dozen seasons now. Sadly, the end is nigh for Jared. At 33 years of age, there is a rapidly eroding amount of time left for Allen to play the game he so dearly loves. This may be his last chance to lose a game in Seattle. He will be missed.

We could keep going, but let’s just end this disaster right here. This is likely the worst team the Seahawks will face all season. Their best player is the damn kicker, Robbie Gould, who we didn’t even mention until now. Forget winning this game. Seattle should be looking to put up triple digits and go full Madden Rookie Mode on these bastards.

Godspeed, Chicago. This will not be pretty.

3 thoughts on “Know Your F@#%ing Opponent: Chicago Bears”

  1. Jimmy Clausen looks like a JV High School Quarterback. And not a good one, the one that only plays QB because his dad is a coach.

  2. One thing you got wrong is saying that Matt Forte will quickly be forgotten. While he wasn’t on any good teams really, he still is up there in the Chicago Bears all-time leading rushers and all-purpose yards. He’s also one of the few Runningbacks to catch 100 or more passes in a season in NFL history. Also he is just 2,000 yards away from 10,000 which is kind of a lot when your almost 30 but he’s on pace for over a thousand this year and then he’ll just need a couple 500 yard seasons to finish his career and he should make it. Not many guys actually have rushed for 10,000 yards when you consider just how many good runningbacks there have been. 29 ever to rush for 10,000+ yards. Some that didn’t make it: Shaun Alexander, Earl Campbell, Clinton Portis, Priest Holmes. Also Jermon Bushroad is not a defensive player, he’s an offensive tackle. And nice one on the names but my first guess was correct.. though I play a lot of Madden so I know most the names of the players. Though I must admit I nearly googled Sherrick Mcmanis first. Definitely a good laugh out of that one though!

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