Special thanks to The Seattle Times for posting video of our special friends, Bob Condotta and Jayson Jenks, Seahawks beat writers. We’ll periodically review their video breakdowns and provide analysis here. We call it “Breakdown Breakdown.” Enjoy.
0:00 – Bob and Jenks come to you live from a wetland.
0:07 – Jenks doesn’t know what to do with his hands. He’s also holding the mic weird. It’s not a salad fork. You can grab that thing like you mean it.
0:12 – Bob enters the conversation at 12 seconds. He’s the most 12.
Also, he dressed up for this and I’m not sure you people appreciate that enough. He’s sans hoodie, for one thing. What if it rains? Bob is willing to go hoodless and put his hair at risk for the good of this video. He’s usually clothed in weather-adaptable attire, but not today. Today he’s adorned in a charcoal sweater straight from Mossimo’s 1999 boy band music video collection. I own a similar sweater and, when paired with a spritz of PoloSport, it can be quite the aphrodisiac for thirty-somethings.
0:13 – Furthermore, Bob holds the mic like a man. Take note, Jenks.
0:30 – Jenks is nodding more than all the agreeable brownnosers in your daily company meeting.
“Our profits are up 43-percent this quarter, and that’s really, really great, just really great…”
“…and we’ve modified our processes to improve literally everything and we really appreciate your cooperation with that…”
“…and as you may have heard, we’re bringing in a consultant to evaluate everyone’s performance, and we don’t want any of you to freak out or anything, but obviously we’re going to be making some cuts around here with the budget changing like it has, so please just do all you can to bring your very best to the office every day…”
*Jenks nods furiously*
0:50 – Did Bob and Jenks get a two-for-one deal on their eyewear? I’ll dig into this for next week.
1:14 – What is this wind doing to Bob’s hair? Stop it, wind!
1:40 – Jenks stares off into the distance and weeds through the vast expanse of his mind – Royals games, Alex Gordon, Alcides Escobar, Chiefs stuff, the ineptitude of Kansas Jayhawks football, mini horses, Totino’s pizza rolls, putting diesel fuel in an unleaded gas tank, reruns of The Wire – as he contemplates his next thought.
1:53 – Jenks’ left hand.
2:14 – Bob has something to say, but Jenks keeps talking. If this keeps up, Bob might suplex Jenks, and I don’t know if I can handle that.
2:24 – What the hell is off to the left that Jenks is staring at? The people have a right to know!
3:03 – Jenks’ left hand.
3:25 – I don’t feel good about Jenks not wearing a plaid button-down shirt. In fact, it actually bothers me quite a bit. This kids extra-large white t-shirt doesn’t seem like it will hold up against the elements should a storm come rolling through. We want coordinated outfits for these two. If Bob’s wearing a sweater, I want Jenks in a polo shirt, bare minimum.
3:49 – Jenks’ left hand.
4:00-4:03 – Three seconds of raw emotion.
4:03 – What were they talking about just now? Also, we want a gag reel. Let’s get that for next time.