Know Your F@#%ing Opponent: Green Bay Packers

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Hello fans, and welcome back to the 12th day of the week, Blue Friday. We have for you today the second installment of previews on your 2015 Seahawks opponents. Our subject on this particular Friday: the Green Bay Packers.

Aaron Rodgers is the best quarterback in the league. There. It’s been said. Everyone get over it. He’s got a rocket arm, the numbers back up his extreme proficiency, and he does it all with regulation footballs, unlike some of his peers. So he’s great, he’s amazing, we all agree.

But is there a more staid human being on the face of the earth than Rodgers? The man is without emotion. He is two droopy eyes, a smile that exudes no real passion, and a voice so monotone that T-Pain couldn’t even vocode it to head-nodding respectability. He is the vanilla in your ice cream, the taupe on your walls, the cardboard on your boxes.

And without a doubt, Rodgers will segue his stellar playing career into a cushy seat in the press box, next to the likes of Kenny Albert or some other schmuck doing play-by-play, then proceed to torment every fan in the NFL by ejaculating overly-agreeable clichés picked up from years of being molded into a social android unto the masses after each and every play. Get ready for that apocalyptic future of football-watching, because it’s coming and you cannot escape it.

There is, of course, more to the Green Bay Packers than their signal-caller.

Like an increasing number of teams in this league, the Packers boast a portly runner in their backfield. Eddie Lacy is not a small man, and (thanks to similar skin tone and hairstyle, I imagine, but definitely not running style) has even been compared to Marshawn Lynch at times. Lacy is the type of running back who’s most effective when you coat the offensive linemen in bacon-flavored cologne and say, “Run to the bacon, Eddie!” You’ll get the most out of him if he’s tricked into thinking there’s food involved.

The receiving corps is headlined by an injured white guy, Jordy Nelson, which only further lends itself to how superhuman Rodgers happens to be. It’s well known that if your quarterback turns a scrappy Caucasian into a 1,000-yard receiver in today’s NFL, he’s granted immediate entry into the Hall of Fame. Nelson won’t play due to a torn ACL, but in his stead are a bunch of guys who will always do well on your fantasy bench and never do shit in your fantasy starting lineup.

On defense, the Packers are led by linebacker Clay Matthews, the answer to the trivia question “What happens when you cross a Y-chromosome with everything behind the glass cases at GNC?”

Alongside Matthews is a cavalcade of talented defenders. Defensive end B.J. Raji, who looks like a giant baby, may be the most recognizable of the group. But crafty veteran (i.e. old guy) Julius Peppers is no slouch, either. Free safety Ha-Ha Clinton-Dix is the personification of every dick joke you’ve ever wanted to tell, linebacker Jake Ryan can’t make it past the Sixteen Candles character on Google, and there’s a Jayrone and a Damarious in there, so Green Bay obviously has all its bases covered.

The team is coached by Mike McCarthy, who has aged into his Andy Reid body with particular aplomb. McCarthy rocks the flat-billed on-field New Era caps better than most head coaches in the league, which likely earns him a great deal of respect among all the kids hanging out outside Foot Locker at your local mall.

Most importantly, however, are the fans of Green Bay, who are the absolute class of the NFL. Packers fans like to pretend they are the best spectators the league has to offer because they live in a podunk town with no other sports of which to speak and HOLD STOCK IN THE ORGANIZATION. Seriously, they hold stock in the team, which would be really freakin’ great if the stock was worth anything, but it’s not. Owning Packers stock is like owning a billion baseball cards from the early-1990s. It seems super awesome until you have everything priced out, at which point you realize you just have a bunch of crap on your hands — albeit crap that makes you feel important, which I guess is nice.

Anyway, Packers fans would love to tell you about Packers fans, so sidle up next to one of those emerald-clad cheeseheads and listen to him or her drone on and on about the rich heritage of small-town Wisconsin football. Just don’t bring up Golden Tate. Or Brian Bostick. Or Chris Matthews. Because these all seem to be hot button issues for the usually-polite Midwesterners.

Above all else, the absolute most critical thing you need to know about the Green Bay Packers is this: in 2008, they released punter Jon Ryan. That’s right, Jon MFing Ryan, himself. They cut him. And where did he end up after being let go? Well, right here with your Seattle Seahawks, of course. And what did our good friend Jon Ryan do to his former club the last time these two teams met? He did this:

jonryantd

And it turned into a touchdown pass.

Don’t mess with Jon Ryan.

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