HEAVEN — Refuting comments made Monday by Kam Chancellor in a report from 710 ESPN Seattle, God, Lord of All Things, spoke on the record to inquiring reporters for the first time in several millennia.
“I absolutely, one-hundred-percent do not give a damn,” said God, when asked about Chancellor’s claim that a contract dispute with the Seattle Seahawks was “in God’s hands.”
“Is he planning to part the Red Sea anytime soon? Will he be leading an entire group of people to freedom from religious persecution? No? Then that shit is not in my hands,” proclaimed Our Lord.
“We have a system up here,” God added. “We have a structure in place, a hierarchy. You think every menial detail filters up to the CEO? You think every prayer request, every invocation, comes straight to God? Hell no! We would not have thrived for this long without processes in place. I have teams — TEAMS! — that handle this sort of thing. If I had to guess, I’d wager Chancellor’s situation might be in Rodney’s hands down in Greedy Accounting. They deal with a number of pro athletes there. You should go talk to Rodney.”
So what advice would God offer to a wayward soul like the Seahawks’ disgruntled strong safety?
“Look,” God decreed, “if I had to weigh in, I would have told him a long time ago to listen to his quarterback, Russell Wilson. I do talk with Russell from time to time. I like him. Few individuals are that devoted to Me, and I appreciate it. But for all I know, he did talk with Russell and this is where we’re at. Frankly, Russell hasn’t been heeding much of My advice lately. I told him to bend that singer he’s with over a barrel and show her the fifty states, but he hasn’t done it yet. So who really knows for sure.”
Before leaving for a round of golf with U.S. President Barack Obama and deceased rapper Tupac Shakur, God had one final word of wisdom for Chancellor and athletes as a whole:
“Stop pretending I care. I don’t. Really, I don’t. No one gives a flying cockatrice about a contract or a financial situation or what you call a ‘holdout’ except a few egocentric malcontents and a sleazy agent or two. Do not perpetuate your fabricated problems unto others, let alone God. Peace.”