Happy Blue Friday, Seahawks fans, and welcome to the 2015 NFL season. The Hawks take on the lightly-hated Rams in St. Louis on Sunday at 10:00 a.m. Pacific Time and we’re here to tell you what these cake-eaters down in Missouri are all about. As the year progresses, we’ll bring you a look at Seattle’s next opponent each week, so check back often. Without further ado, let’s investigate these bastards.
First of all, a ram is a stupid mascot. Rams are the belligerent, drunk assholes of the animal kingdom, literally butting heads with every other being they encounter. They wake up in a cave, walk outside, see another creature in their space, and go flying at it like a wayward safety with no regard for CTE. If you really wanted to be represented by a belligerent, drunk asshole, why not name the team after your idiot friend Steve, who gets all handsy and racist when he’s had a few too many whiskey sours. The St. Louis Drunk Steves. It’s a more accurate depiction of the foolishness we’re dealing with here.
The team itself is no better than its mascot.
Jeff Fisher and his staff have assembled a roster that looks like it was borne from a night of heavy drinking. This team is sticking Nick Foles under center and actually expecting to win games. Some of you may remember Foles from his underwhelming stint with the Eagles. Others may recall his college days at the University of Arizona, where Foles had a penchant for throwing dink-and-dunk bubble screens for weeks at a time. The 26-year-old is the veritable equivalent of a slap hitter in baseball, eking out yardage in the most undeserving way possible. Plus he looks like Sunshine from Remember the Titans — if Sunshine from Remember the Titans got kicked in the face by a pack mule.
Behind Foles is a stable of tailbacks most frequently found in the infirmary. The Rams have an inherent knack for drafting injury-prone talents to anchor their running game, which in turn leaves them with would-be third-stringer Benny Cunningham as the likely starter on Sunday. Cunningham, who subscribes to the Zac Stacy nutrition plan, has amassed just 507 rushing yards in his two-year career. Unless someone sticks a pizza in the end zone, the Middle Tennessee State product will have a tough time finding paydirt against a speedy Seattle front seven.
The receiving corps is led by Kenny Britt, who still has two days to get arrested before kickoff. Assuming the former Titan stays out of jail, the Rams will be able to rest the hopes of their aerial attack squarely atop the shoulders of one of the most promising wideouts of 2010.
Tight end Jared Cook, who’s spent the last five seasons destroying your fantasy team, is an imposing figure across the middle for St. Louis. He won’t catch anything, but he’s really, really big.
On the other side of the ball, the Rams possess one of the better defensive units in the NFL. Their defense is basically Felix Hernandez, carrying the entire ballclub once a week while everyone else on the team shits themselves and plays with it like the remedial kid in your kindergarten class. God bless their D for futilely trying so damn hard.
Head coach Jeff Fisher is the best in the league at mustaches. His ‘stache is, without equal, the greatest thing the Rams have going. If Fisher let his mustache call plays, St. Louis might find a way to post a .500 record for a change. As it is, Fisher is the most heralded coach who has convinced the entire league he doesn’t suck when, really, he kind of does suck. But at least he’s sucking in St. Louis, so no one cares.
Since the game will be played in the Edward Jones Dome, a struggling venue ironically named after a financial services company, no one will show up. It’s not that the Rams don’t have fans. It’s just that their fans are also Cardinals fans, and as everyone knows, Cardinals fans spend all of September in a masturbatory love affair with themselves. If the Rams are lucky, roughly 40,000 of these narcissists may find it in their hearts to take a temporary respite from their self-congratulatory wanking to show up for three hours on Sunday, whereby they can sit on their hands in a cavernous dungeon and abide by the stadium’s Ram Rules, which you can indulge in below.
So there you have it. These are the St. Louis Rams, and now you know your f@#%ing opponent.