Poor Tony Randazzo. All he wanted to do was show up to Detroit’s Comerica Park, umpire a few baseball games, and go back to his sexless marriage. Instead, Lloyd Motherf’in McClendon got in the way. Damn you, Lloyd.
The weekend was not kind to the 15-year veteran of Major League Baseball’s officiating crew, who was tested not once but twice by the Mariners skipper.
First, McClendon had the gall to defend his ace pitcher, Felix Hernandez, on Saturday night, inquiring about Randazzo’s peculiar strike zone, which closely resembled the size and shape of Kim Kardashian’s posterior.
Then — and this is where it gets really egregious — McClendon brazenly waved his hand from the confines of the team’s first base dugout after Randazzo botched a call on a check swing by a Tigers batter during Sunday’s contest. For both his offenses, Seattle’s manager was booted from consecutive games.
Though the initial dismissal raised a few eyebrows, it was the second ejection that prompted a media inquiry — be careful with those questions, journalists, or you’ll be next.
When asked by pool reporter Dave Hogg about the reasoning behind a second heave-ho on Sunday, Randazzo stated that McClendon, “Took his hand and shooed off my call.” Yeah, no shit.
When subsequently asked if the previous night’s ejection played a role in the quick trigger, Randazzo replied, “No.” Great communicator, that Tony Randazzo.
Crew chief Brian Gorman attempted to elaborate upon his colleague’s remarks by adding, “Gestures are just as powerful as words sometimes.” Gorman is absolutely correct, of course, so in lieu of further analysis, here’s a gesture we hope finds its way to Randazzo’s inbox:
Anyway, there was an aftermath, naturally. Because there’s always an aftermath.
Somebody encouraged Mariners fans to take out their frustrations with Randazzo on his Wikipedia page, which you have to imagine he put together himself (how many officials in any sport have their own Wikipedia pages?). In noble allegiance to their favorite ballclub, M’s fans responded with true valor, unleashing the following slew of revisions to Randazzo’s online bio — before Wikipedia intervened and locked the page.
The following is a chronological history of the devastation incurred by the Tony Randazzo Wikipedia page on Sunday, August 17th, 2014.
It started innocently enough:
And continued on without too much fanfare:
But then a suspect marriage and a rumor of dead cats hidden in Randazzo’s closet kicked off the dumpster fire:
A beautiful anecdote was relayed:
Things got a little strange:
And finally all-out, batshit craziness took over:
All in all, it was a great day for anyone not named Tony Randazzo. Way to go, M’s fans. We did it.
Oh, and our baseball team is only 5.5 games back of first place right now. Things are looking up.