Wanking motion: the act of clasping one’s thumb against the forefinger in a semi-closed fist, raising the fist in the air, and moving it up and down to simulate masturbation. Usually performed as a metaphor for dismissive nonchalance towards an unrelated event of little importance.
There are any number of reasons to dislike The Seattle Times.
Maybe you loathe the fact that their editorial board seemingly fornicates with people who vehemently oppose the thought of the Sonics returning to Seattle.
Maybe you’re less than enthralled with their prep sports coverage, since the deadbeat high school coach who once tutored your child submitted a half-assed misspelling of your family’s weird surname to the paper, thus causing a misprint alongside your kid’s six-point , two-rebound stat line in the Class 1B state consolation game a few years ago.
Or maybe you’re Richard Sherman, pissed off because the Times published the address of the estate you just purchased, which seems a fair enough reason to be upset. Well, fair enough until one considers that the address of the home previously owned by NBA star Jamal Crawford was already public. And because the address was public record, it had already been blasted far and wide across the internet (thanks a lot, Redfin) before the Times ever laid eyes on the details. And because various outlets across the spectrum of the media stratosphere republished the address with bountiful glee as time transpired, watching idly as the blame shifted unto the Times, somehow, as an uproar over such personal, already-public information began to ensue.
If this sounds somewhat stupid and convoluted, that’s because it is. This is one of the stranger beefs of all-time, as the usually loquacious Sherman has purportedly opted to silence himself before the Seattle media in the wake of what he deems as some sort of infringement upon his personal freedoms. Sure, he’s entitled to his frustration. And rightfully so, as hardcore football fanatics have reportedly flocked to the Sherman residence and taken up camp just beyond the property’s gates, anxiously awaiting the nightly return of their hero as if he, himself, were Mecca.
But why take out such exasperation on the media? The media, beginning with the Times (allegedly, though some cite the decaying carcass of The Seattle P-I as the originator of this entire fiasco), simply republished what had long ago been thrust upon the world wide web and the public’s consciousness.
The whole affair reeks of an odoriferous aroma of public relations stench, the kind that experienced P.R. men and women permeate across innocuous occurrences to stoke the flames of burning interest and raise a few eyebrows in the process. In the Seahawks’ case, the brows can raise in the direction of Dave Pearson, Vice President of Communications and Broadcasting, slash, hype man for internal personnel. You can almost hear Pearson shouting “YEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH BOYYYYYYYYYY!” as the words “media boycott” trickle unto news sites like Fox Sports.
If anything, blame for this entire mess should be saddled squarely upon the shoulders of the insane adults foolish enough to embark on a Hajj to Maple Valley, so firmly ensconced in their warped 12ishness that they might as well be 12-and-a-halves, those crazy bastards, no matter what anyone says. Go home, you deranged psychos. Richard Sherman is not going to be your friend. Richard Sherman doesn’t even know you. If Richard Sherman did know you, he’d probably be drafting up a restraining order as we speak. You lunatics are the real-life personifications of Shooter McGavin’s fanboy lackey in Happy Gilmore, willing to drive a Volkswagen over the competition if necessary, but just as likely to dial up your idol and beg for a man-date to Red Lobster.
We all love Sherman and the Seahawks, but unfortunately for Seattle’s favorite cornerback and his in-house counsel of Flava Flavs, this situation can be chalked up to a few unhinged fans taking their support of the organization just a bit too far. And until all parties come to grips with this, the rest of us will sit here wanking away, dismissively giving zero fucks towards any fabricated “boycott” a team of advisers may have childishly concocted.
This is just the stupidest. And we are all stupider for being subjected to this garbage. Everybody, get your shit together and move on.