If you’ve watched enough Mariners baseball this year, you’ve likely seen it. It starts with a base hit, then segues into a ritualistic celebration of sorts. An M’s hitter will stand perched atop the bag after a single, double, or triple, look towards the dugout, raise each semi-closed fist above his noggin, then move those fists side to side as his teammates sheltered along the baseline respond. But what does it all mean?
The move itself is one I like to call the “Double-Sack Dance.” It has origins in pornography (where all good things find their beginning), but has been popularized in mainstream movies, as well – most notably a scene in Superbad, among other works of fine film:
As you can see above, Jonah Hill might very well be to blame for bringing a variation of the Double-Sack Dance to the public spectrum.
But why is it dubbed the “Double-Sack Dance,” you ask? Great question.
The move itself doesn’t have a commonly-held name, so a few years ago I gave it one. My belief was that the DSD could be the ultimate dance for an NFL defensive lineman to perform after sacking the quarterback. In addition, the dance itself is meant to simulate an individual bestowing a double handjob — yes, a double handjob — upon a pair of fortunate, invisible gentlemen. Hence, when you think about it, the term “Double-Sack Dance” becomes a double entendre. And because I frequently like to seize opportunities to make myself laugh, I once upon a time began concocting ways that ordinary people could perform the Double-Sack Dance to celebrate everyday achievements.
Sack the quarterback? Double-Sack Dance.
Close a big sale at work? Double-Sack Dance.
Get a raise? Double-Sack Dance.
A hole-in-one? Double-Sack Dance.
Hit a three-pointer? Forget Three Goggles! Double-Sack Dance. (And props to Darius Miles for damn near becoming a pioneer.)
Yes, the Mariners won’t tell you this on the record for obvious reasons, but their celebration represents dual ejaculation. You may think that a bunch of twenty- and thirty-something adult males are more mature than their homoerotic double-wanking motion may suggest, but you are wrong, dead wrong. In fact, these guys are just like the rest of us.
For proof, here are pictures of various adults I know performing the Double-Sack Dance (or something close to it):
So to all the M’s hitters knocking the ball around and driving in runs, just three words of advice: keep on stroking. Go Mariners.
(H/T to @cwpattison for the photo of Brad Miller.)