It’s like two Top 11 lists in one!
22. Danny Farquhar Disappointing Growth Chart Day
Guess what, kids. You’re probably not going to grow to be 6’10” like Chris Young, or even 6’3” like Felix Hernandez. More than likely you’ll stand about 5’9” or so, which is both the average height of the American male and the exact listed height of reliever Danny Farquhar. We’re not here to lie to you or falsely inflate your hopes. Instead, we’ll just give you this disappointing Farquhar growth chart and watch you blossom into a really mediocre adult.
21. Cole Gillespie “Guess Which of These Guys Is Actually A Mariner” Night
Free admission into the park for anyone who can look at a graphic of ten normal-looking dudes and pick out Cole Gillespie, who actually is a Mariner.
20. Lucas Luetge Train Car Night
It’s designed in the likeness of the SoundTransit Sounder train and if you squint hard enough you can see Luetge’s face in one of the windows as he rides back and forth between Seattle and Tacoma.
19. Kendrys Morales Jersey T-Shirt Day
It’s just a blank white t-shirt with nothing on it at all.
18. Jen Mueller Rosetta Stone Night
Have you ever wanted to learn a new language? So has Jen Mueller! And what better way to learn a new language than by using Rosetta Stone.
Rosetta Stone makes you think you’re speaking a different language when in fact you’re actually just speaking broken English because you bought this shit at a mall kiosk, bro, and come on, for real? Anyway, by the end of the night, we’ll have you believing you’re speaking a new language and then we’ll let you interview a few players live on the ROOT Sports postgame show using whatever skills you’ve learned! It’s muy awesome!
17. Hisashi Iwakuma Finger Health Awareness Night
Do you know if your fingers are healthy? Are you aware that countless finger injuries go undiagnosed every single day? Are you one of the millions of Americans living with an untreated finger ailment? Hisashi Iwakuma isn’t. Be like Kuma. Get your fingers checked.
16. Rick Waits “What Exactly Do You Do Here?” Day
Hey. I noticed Lloyd McClendon is making all the in-game mound trips for some reason. I thought we had a pitching coach for that. Oh, we do? Rick Waits? I’ve never heard of him. I don’t think I’ve seen him, either. What exactly does he do here?
15. Rookie Umpire Little Man Complex Night
They’ve been calling balls and strikes like Helen Keller and ejecting our players at the first sign of confrontation. They aren’t here to be our punching bags, and in fact if anyone’s going to be doing any punching, it’s them. They’re feisty and angry and drive really big pickups to compensate for all their insecurities. They have Little Man Complex, and now so can you. Free shmedium t-shirts to the first 20,000 fans in attendance.
14. Nick Franklin Tinder Hook-Up Night
Did you know that Nick Franklin has a Tinder account under his middle name? Well, he does. Or at least he did. (There’s no guarantee that account will still exist after this article is published.)
Nothing wrong with trying to get a little ass via your smartphone, right? Right. That’s why Tinder was invented. And that’s why the Mariners can help you get laid with a little how-to from their young shortstop-cum-outfielder. Every time you see an ugly person on your screen, swipe to the left. And every time you see an attractive person, swipe to the right. It’s that simple!
13. Logan Morrison Sit At Home Day
You don’t actually come to the ballpark for this one. You just sit at home. Like Logan Morrison.
12. Lloyd McClendon Throw Shit Night
You see that shit over there? Yeah? You should pick it up and throw it. Why not. It feels good and it’s good for you, too. You’ll burn a few calories, let off some steam, and express your emotions all at the same time.
That hot dog you’re holding? THROW IT.
That hat the guy next to you is wearing? THROW IT.
That kid two sections over who won’t stop screaming like a banshee? THROW IT.
Just grab a hold of literally anything you can get your hands on and then release it with force. That’s called throwing shit and it’s exactly what Lloyd McClendon would do.
11. King Felix Neck Tattoo Night
Is it a whale tail? Is it a tribal symbol of some sort? Is it a vagina?
Whatever it is, you too can have one on your neck, just like the King!
It’s probably a good idea to make these tattoos removable, but why not take it one step further and offer free admission to anyone willing to get one of these designs permanently inked upon their gullet? Like Buhner Buzz Night, but with more regret the following day.
10. Randy Wolf 45-Day Advance-Consent Release Form Day
The first 20,000 fans take home this historic piece of baseball memorabilia, an actual Xeroxed copy of Randy Wolf’s never-before-seen 45-day advance-consent release form. What does it all mean? What are you actually signing? Can they really just cut you and limit your pay in the process? Is that even legal? Find out when you snag the giveaway of the summer!
9. Hector Noesi Mariners Hall of Fame Induction Night
The Chicago White Sox come to town in early August and, assuming he doesn’t get released in the next two-and-a-half-months, will bring former Mariner Hector Noesi along with them.
Now that Noesi no longer pitches for the M’s, we should take a moment to celebrate the embattled pitcher’s accomplishments and induct him into the team’s Hall of Fame. Why is Noesi a Hall of Famer, you ask? He’ll make all the Mariners’ hitters better by pitching against them. That’s the ultimate act of selflessness. You go, Hector.
8. Tom Wilhelmsen “It’s Legal Now” Night
Tom Wilhelmsen once left baseball because he got in trouble for smoking pot. Good news, Tom. It’s legal now. Let’s go crazy!
7. Franklin Gutierrez Is Still A Mariner Day
Franklin Gutierrez is still a Mariner. I bet you didn’t know that. We should let everyone know. And give some stuff away, too. A framed picture of Guti during his playing days would be nice. Or maybe just a bottle of Tums. That might be easier. Let’s do the Tums.
6. Dave Sims Yarmulke Night
Dave Sims likes hats and also celebrates Jewish holidays. Let’s just combine this into one big chagiga and give away Dave Sims yarmulkes!
5. Bring Your Cat to the Park Day
Bark in the Park Day is a fun concept, but why does it just have to be dogs? Can’t we indulge perpetually single people, too?
4. Jay Buhner Trucks, TRUCKS, and MORE TRUCKS!!! Night
Do you think we have enough trucks to give away? We basically have one truck for every person in attendance. You think it’s too many trucks? I think it might be too many. No? You think we need more? Really? More trucks? Is that a good idea? We’re already losing money on this. Really? More? Alright, fine, calm down. We’ll get more.
You know, I don’t like it when you raise your voice at me like that. You could have just said “more trucks.” You didn’t need to yell.
3. Jesus Montero All-You-Can-Eat Night
One ticket buys you entry into the ballpark AND a pass to enjoy unlimited food and drink throughout the duration of the contest!
Plus, after the game we’ll be having Jesus Montero Run Around the Bases Week.
2. Abraham Almonte Everyone Can Play Center Field Day
Do you want to play center field? YOU GET TO PLAY CENTER FIELD!
Hey, you there. Yeah, you … do you want to play center field? YOU GET TO PLAY CENTER FIELD!
Almonte. Yes, I’m talking to you, Abraham. Well? Do you want to play center field? What’s that? I can’t hear you. I need you to shout it! I need you to scream! You want to do what?! Well, guess what. We’re making dreams come true here today because … YOU GET TO PLAY CENTER FIELD!
YOU get to play center field, and YOU get to play center field, and YOU get to play center field … EVERYONE GETS TO PLAY CENTER FIELD!!!
1. Fernando Rodney Imaginary Bow and Arrow Night
Take home a replica version of Fernando Rodney’s imaginary bow and arrow! Though this imaginary bow and arrow is slightly smaller than the real thing, you’ll still have a great time pointing your imaginary bow towards the sky and letting fly with an imaginary arrow after doing imaginary okay-to-great things!