The Seahawks released a peculiar statement on Wednesday announcing the impending divorce of quarterback Russell Wilson from his wife, Ashton. Who knows for sure why the organization deemed this press release-worthy, but they did and now everyone seemingly has an opinion on the biggest news of the Seahawks’ offseason.
It’s anyone’s guess as to why the Wilsons are legally separating, but certainly none of our business to speculate. Regardless of the how or the why, though, you have to respect the decision of two young adults who married fresh out of college and have made the difficult decision to move forward with their lives individually.
All things considered, we now progress into a world where Russell Wilson has become Seattle’s most eligible bachelor. This is both good and bad for the Super Bowl hero, as enterprising young women across the Puget Sound will immediately begin vying for Wilson’s attention (good), but may be doing so without the best intentions in mind (bad).
At the same time, if you’re the signal-caller of a championship football team, how do you prepare yourself to begin dating again? As someone who has always preached that “the separation is in the preparation” – admittedly, not the best quote to pull in this time of imminent estrangement – the 25-year-old may need some help. Hence, we’ve created this handy dating playbook full of questions and answers.
Question 1: Is she only into me for my money?
Most of us don’t have to worry about this because we’re poorer than shit. But for Wilson, who stands to make millions upon millions of dollars in the coming years, this is a real problem.
Gold diggers will be lining up like animals boarding Noah’s ark, two-by-two, numbering in the thousands. Sorting through all these beautiful harlots will not be easy, but there are some key gold-digger warning signs to look for, such as:
Leopard print. If your girl is wearing leopard print, she might be a gold digger.
An abundance of designer apparel. Never trust a woman with too much designer clothing. If she can’t work some Fucci in there or kick back in Nikes, she might be a gold digger.
No job. Your girl is single and doesn’t work? And yet she looks so good and dresses so nice? She might be a gold digger.
Platform heels with clear soles. Your girl has platform heels with clear soles. That’s kind of a weird thing to own. She also smells sugary sweet like some wonderful combination of cotton candy and sin. And she’s a great dancer, too. She may or may not be a gold digger. But she is definitely a stripper. You now have a whole new set of problems.
These are just a few of a handful of red alerts when it comes to uncovering ruthless money grubbers. Here’s hoping Wilson’s gold-digger radar is as strong as his ability to read opposing coverages.
Question 2: What is this Snapchat I’ve heard so much about?
A mobile app that allows you to send self-deleting photos or videos to a friend, Snapchat was basically designed to aid in the courtship of a potential lover. Without leaving any incriminating evidence behind, users can safely transmit NSFW multimedia to one another. Though some people use the app to send pictures of food or other boring crap, the vast majority of tech-savvy realists know that Snapchat, like Margot Robbie or Kate Upton, was built for sex.
As a single on the dating scene, it’s imperative that Wilson download and utilize Snapchat. No, he probably won’t want to send cock shots to the women who crave his manhood (that’s how you end up on Deadspin, Russ), but he will receive plenty of deposits into his spank bank should he activate an account.
And oh yeah, even though those images delete themselves after 10 seconds, you can always grab a quick screenshot on your phone before the Mission Impossible-like self-destruction occurs. Train those fingers and thumbs to move quickly, Russell.
Question 3: Where do I take a girl on a first date now that I’m no longer a broke college student?
You have to figure that the last time Wilson took a girl on a date, he was in college. College first dates are impeccably easy. You put on your “nice” jeans, throw on a shirt with some semblance of a collar, then head to the nearest sit-down restaurant, such as Red Robin or Applebee’s. If everything works out as planned, the night will end with you and your new friend naked in your dorm room bunk bed. It’s that simple.
As you mature, you’ll find that women are less and less charmed by steak fries and tableside serenades of “Happy Happy Birthday!” which in turn means you actually need to put some effort into your romantic endeavors. This is where things get tricky, but that’s why we’re here to help.
For starters, real world “adult” dates require a gameplan. This is where Wilson should excel, for obvious reasons. A gameplan means you spend the days leading up to the magical evening envisioning the most optimal outcome for the night ahead. Like Karl Malone at the free throw line, you meticulously focus all your energy on the ultimate goal, whatever it may be. For some, the goal is marriage. For others, a kiss. For others still, sex. You see the goal, you be the goal.
Once you’ve laid the groundwork for all the steps that will eventually take you back to your place/his place/her place/the altar, the logistics of the date must be thoughtfully crafted. It’s always best to keep things simple on a first date, which means a slightly upscale American steakhouse, where one can get a rather normal meal and enjoy a few drinks.
Dinner is only one aspect of an “adult” date, however. You also need an activity, which besides awkward conversation and sloppy intercourse was not something you had to prepare for back in college. An activity can be anything, really, so long as it’s not sex. Sex might come later and you really can’t plan for it. But you will plan for it, which we’ll discuss in due time. Some examples of good date activities: movies, miniature golf, ice skating (depending on the time of year), sporting events, concerts, comedy shows, arcade bars, and the list goes on.
Finally, we get to that part about sex.
If you play your cards right, this date might end like many of your dates in college, albeit without bunk beds (hopefully). Because of the reality of sex, you need to prepare your entire world for this willing partner in coitus who might suddenly enter your realm. This entails a number of things, such as:
Cleaning your living space. Whether you live alone or with a roommate, in a nice house or a modest apartment, you need to clean like you’ve never cleaned before. This means washing your bed sheets, Febreze-ing everything you can’t throw in the laundry, taking Windex to your mirrors, scrubbing the toilet, vacuuming, sweeping, and hiding any and all pictures of your ex that may still pollute nightstands and coffee tables.
Fluffing your living room. “Fluffing” is a term used in the pornography industry to describe the process that involves getting a man’s penis hard before a shoot. A backstage “fluffer” will typically jerk a fellow into a camera-ready state of arousal before sending him in front of the lens to plow the living daylights out of some poor girl with daddy issues. Your living room probably doesn’t have a penis, but if it did, you would seize your pre-date moments to rub and tug all 36 square feet of TV-and-couch space right to the brink of climax.
A good living room fluff means having music and movies at the ready, such as DVD copies of Saved By the Bell, an iTunes playlist of cheesy slow jams, or Disney’s Frozen on Blu-Ray. These imperative accessories will convince the subject of your affection to not only come home with you, but also stay in a waiting area while you move on to the next step, which is…
Fluffing your bedroom. Just like your living room, you’ll want to ready your bedroom for the moments of X-ratedness that follow. For one thing, you better have protection nearby. Whether you plan to use protection is irrelevant; the gesture of having it, however, will go a long way to convince your partner that you’re “the one.” Protection can come in the form of condoms or a baseball bat, depending on the type of neighborhood you live in.
Mood music doesn’t hurt either. Slow Jams Part II can reside right here in your bedside CD alarm clock. And as a general rule of thumb, you can never have enough slow jams, so stock up.
Finally, install a surveillance camera to record all the action … no, just kidding. But you know, those things aren’t that expensive anymore. But seriously, don’t do that.
Now you’re ready to embark on your latest (and hopefully best) first date. Enjoy!
Question 4: What do I do if she turns me down?
Hahahahahahaha, good one, Russell. There is almost nothing she won’t do to get with you, because you are Russell Effing Wilson. If you’ve ever wanted to live out a weird fantasy or indulge an odd fetish, this is your chance to capitalize on that!
Face it, if you want to dress up like a bunny rabbit and bang a chick who’s attired head to toe like the Phillie Phanatic, you can probably get away with that. She might look at you funny, but I’m 85-percent sure that she’ll still reluctantly oblige.
You are the man, Russ, THE MAN! I speak for everyone when I say how sorry I am that things didn’t work out between you and your lovely bride, but this brand new venture you’re undertaking will be awesome, absolutely awesome.
Best of luck out there, big guy. We’re all rooting for you.