The Unofficially Official 2014 Sports Radio KJR Dance Preview

13_kate-upton_27Once again, we’ve reached that point in the year when sports take a back seat to women, as they so often tend to do. In this instance, however, you have the opportunity to win a trip to any sporting event in the world by accurately selecting the hottest women on the planet.

Because the stakes are so high, we’ve decided to help you out on your way to the rugby World Cup in Australia, the Jai Alai championship in Malaysia, or the Beer Olympics in Europe. At the same time, you’re more than welcome to play along with Seattle Sportsnet and a number of our closest friends by filling out a bracket at SportsRadioKJR.com, then navigating here, clicking “Join,” and entering the password, “sonics.”

Below you’ll find projections for all 64 matchups in this year’s tournament. We’ve done all the dirty work for you because we care. And also because we got to scour Google Images for pictures of these women. But mostly because we care.

FIRST ROUND

Region 1: Your Fortune Awaits

Katy Perry vs. Rihanna

For the second year in a row, Perry and Rihanna are matched up against one another in the tournament’s opening round. A season ago, it was Perry who triumphed over her Barbadian foe and there’s no reason to believe the outcome will be any different in 2014. Take a bow, Rihanna, it’s over. Winner: Perry.

Nina Agdal vs. Samantha Ponder

Youthful and exuberant, Agdal is the Kentucky of this year’s Dance. The Sports Illustrated swimsuit model may not be without her flaws (or, more accurately, maybe she is without her flaws), but she’s certainly hot at the right time. On top of that, if Samantha Ponder’s husband is any indication, Agdal should have no problem disposing of her snakebitten opponent. Winner: Agdal.

Sara Jean Underwood vs. Jessica Alba

A former Queen of the Hardwood, Jessica Alba has fallen on hard times in Dances of recent past. While former Oregon State Beaver and frequent Playboy Playmate Sara Jean Underwood will put up a solid fight, Alba should return to her winning ways of days gone by and survive this first-round barnburner. Winner: Alba.

Kerry Washington vs. Alex Morgan

Forget all her other movie and TV appearances. If you’ve ever seen I Think I Love My Wife, you know how sizzling hot Kerry Washington truly is. That said, Washington is a Dance newcomer and still not necessarily a household name.

While Morgan also lacks in the all-important name-recognition department, this is her second Dance go-round and she’s just so darn cute. Could be a close battle, but America’s soccer sweetheart will prevail. Winner: Morgan.

Erin Andrews vs. Olivia Munn

Props to Olivia Munn. She used to be just another under-the-radar name in this competition, but then went and single-handedly made Magic Mike watchable (for reluctant boyfriends and husbands dragged along to witness their significant others’ ogle over Channing Tatum, at least) by getting naked in the movie’s opening scene. Bless her heart.

Unfortunately, Munn is going up against the perennially-attractive Erin Andrews, who will never not be hot. Andrews is a University of Florida alum, and we all know that the Gators do well in these types of bracket-bound scenarios. Winner: Andrews.

Peta Murgatroyd vs. Kate Upton

Last year’s Queen of the Hardwood, Kate Upton is all but a lock to repeat as Dance champion. With tremendous size up front, Upton will be a tough matchup for any of her competitors throughout the tournament. This is your classic 1-16 pairing, with poor Peta Murgatroyd (who?) the hapless loser in Round 1. Winner: Upton.

Jennifer Lopez vs. Ashley Greene

Jennifer Lopez
Jennifer Lopez

With Jessica Alba likely laying claim to an opening-round victory, the 2014 Dance may just be the year of the veterans. Jennifer Lopez should help the cause for the old-timers if she can take down Ashley Greene, a repeat Dancer who has a knack for losing year after year. Winner: Lopez

Beyonce vs. Malin Akerman

Once upon a time, Malin Akerman was a movie star. We saw her in films like Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle (where she took her top off), WatchmenThe Proposal, and 27 Dresses before she seemingly disappeared from our collective consciousness. As it turns out, Akerman has recently left behind feature films for TV sitcoms, which means you probably never see her anymore because, let’s face it, no one really watches sitcoms.

Sadly for Akerman, that career shift will probably cost her a shot at immortal Dance glory. Then again, losing to the wife of the man responsible for bringing Robinson Cano to Seattle is nothing to be ashamed about. Winner: Beyonce.

Region 2: Seize the Night

Amy Adams vs. Alessandra Ambrosio

Did you see Amy Adams in American Hustle? Was there any single point in that film during which she wore a bra? The transcendent blockbuster could have been nominated for an Academy Award solely on the grounds of Adams’ cleavage show, which was by itself Oscar-worthy. In addition to her good looks, Adams is one of the best (and perhaps most underrated) actresses of our generation.

In spite of all that, the shallowness of voters will likely allow the less-talented but just-as-attractive Ambrosio to prevail because, you know, this is basically a petty, heartless battle of erections. Winner: Ambrosio.

Hannah Ferguson vs. Hayden Panettiere

The Missouri of the Dance, Hayden Panettiere may not possess the size of some of her competitors, but she is small, quick, and feisty. Poor Hannah Ferguson will be forced to run to keep up with the gritty little gym rat who made one of those Bring It On sequels almost worth watching. Alas, Panettiere will outpace Ferguson to the final buzzer. Winner: Panettiere.

Molly Mesnick vs. Jen Selter

Between Twitter and Instagram, Jen Selter has nearly 4,000,000 followers who cling to her solely for the plethora of half-naked selfies she bestows upon the internet. This proves something about society (horndogs), but I’m not sure what, exactly.

Molly Mesnick, on the other hand, is the wife of one-time Bachelor bachelor Jason Mesnick. Fun story, I’ve actually met Molly before. At the Richard Sherman Charity Softball Classic, as a matter of fact. We share a mutual friend, and both Molly and Jason seemed like genuinely nice people. If everyone had enjoyed the same brief encounter I had with the Mesnicks, maybe Molly could beat this Selter chick. Unfortunately, we all know that won’t happen. Winner: Selter.

Scarlett Johansson vs. Jennifer Lawrence

Scarlett Johansson
Scarlett Johansson

Scarlett Johansson is what my girlfriend calls “a classic hottie.” Sexy. At the other end of the spectrum Jennifer Lawrence is fun, perky, attractive, and really went to town on this competition last year. But that was last year.

Here in 2014, Lawrence has drawn one of the more intriguing matchups of the first round, taking on a Dance veteran who has wiped the floor clean with more than a handful of opponents in years past. This game might need overtime, but it should be Johansson celebrating when the clock finally hits all zeroes. Winner: Johansson.

Miranda Kerr vs. Lea Michele

Ever since Lea Michele’s Glee run ended, she’s fallen off the face of the earth. Apparently she’s trying her hand at music these days (ask Jennifer Love Hewitt how that works out), but the reality is her stock is fading at exactly the wrong time.

Kerr, meanwhile, is peaking. After failing to impress in her first Dance appearance a year ago, Kerr has worked her way into a favorable pairing with the underwhelming Michele. This is the year the Australian model breaks through with a victory. Winner: Kerr.

Eva Mendes vs. Margot Robbie

For those who paid witness to the masterpiece that was Martin Scorsese’s The Wolf of Wall Street, we all shared a deep appreciation for the woman providing the ass upon the bed of Leonardo DiCaprio’s character. That ass belonged to none other than Margot Robbie, who makes her Dance debut riding a wave of momentum that can only be quelled by a savvy, veteran adversary like Eva Mendes.

Mendes is a pro’s pro, having been here before, destroying competitor after competitor who has tried to outmaneuver her on the hardwood. Mendes is a force on defense and takes her time when the ball is in her hands. Like your classic Big 10 program, Mendes will wear Robbie down and outlast her to the final buzzer. Better luck next year, Margot. Winner: Mendes.

Blake Lively vs. Belle Knox

Belle Knox, for those who don’t know, is a porn star who has risen to prominence of late because, lo and behold, she’s a real-life freshman student at Duke University. Yes, believe it or not, Knox (that’s her stage name, by the way) apparently assumed she’d get through college going unnoticed as a beautiful co-ed who also moonlit as the object of EVERY COLLEGE GUY’S FANTASIES — and you may find this mind-boggling, but it was indeed a male student who uncovered Knox’s dual persona.

This barely-legal dirty, dirty girl pays her hefty tuition with cash earned from taking balls to the chin, which is sort of admirable when you consider the otherworldly cost associated with paying for college. We always hear about lowlifes who suck dick for drugs, but how often do we hear about upstanding citizens who suck dick for education? God bless America, am I right? Anyway, there’s no way Knox wins this because a) she’s going up against perennial Final Four contender Blake Lively, and b) she’s a porn star, and porn stars never do well in these types of things. Winner: Lively.

Arianny Celeste vs. Emma Watson

Unless the Harry Potter Fan Club takes a sudden, keen interest in sports radio and its associated contests, Emma Watson should stand no chance of knocking off anyone, let alone Arianny Celeste. Winner: Celeste.

Region 3: Move Boldly

Emilia Clarke vs. Paulina Gretzky

Once upon a time, Wayne Gretzky, the greatest hockey player who ever lived, happened upon a striking American actress by the name of Janet Jones. The pair initially met while filming an episode of the hit TV show Dance Fever, but didn’t really strike up an acquaintanceship until later rendezvousing at a Los Angeles Lakers game that was also attended by Gretzky’s good friend, Alan Thicke. Perhaps it was the presence of Thicke, who played the charming head of the Seaver household on ABC’s Growing Pains, that served as the necessary aphrodisiac to kindle a romance, but either way Gretzky and Jones took a liking to one another and later wed.

Shortly after their marriage was consummated, the couple gave birth to their first child, a girl they named Paulina. As the years passed, Paulina grew to become a lovely young woman, so lovely in fact that she gained fame and notoriety simply for being beautiful. Thus we find ourselves here, where the gorgeous daughter of a hockey great and his starlet bride will destroy some poor woman by the name of Emilia Clarke, who has nary a clue that Alan Effing Thicke of all people is at least partially responsible for what is about to transpire. Winner: Gretzky.

Liz Dueweke vs. Brooklyn Decker

Shout to Kevin Shockey, producer extraordinaire at Sports Radio KJR, who I’m quite sure lobbied successfully to have the inimitable Liz Dueweke included in the 2014 Dance field. For those unaware of Liz’s existence, I’ll briefly fill you in. A news reporter formerly of local ABC affiliate KOMO, Dueweke hails from Oklahoma, where she previously read the news for KOKH in Oklahoma City. In just a few short days, however, she’ll migrate over to South Lake Union and begin reading the news for Seattle’s Q13 Fox.

So where does Shockey fit in, you ask? Great question.

Dueweke became famous among Shockey’s jackass friends, which may or may not include yours truly, when she began tweeting out KOMO’s daily “Who Knew” trivia question. For those who play along on Twitter and also have the misfortune of following me, you’re well aware that the answer to about 90-percent of the “Who Knew” questions could be representative of a form of sexual intercourse and/or a small cavity on one’s body. Because Shockey and his friends are immature idiots, we grew to adore Liz thanks to her professionalism in the face of sheer stupidity. And other reasons, too, I’m sure.

Anyway, you don’t care about any of that. You just want to know who will win. It’ll be Brooklyn Decker. Sorry, Liz. Who knew? Winner: Decker.

Ronda Rousey vs. Britney Palmer

Ronda Rousey
Ronda Rousey

F**k my life. Who pits a UFC champion against a UFC octagon girl? That’s all kinds of messed up. The selection committee must be stroking their massive, throbbing egos over this one. While Palmer is undeniably hot, Rousey is sexy, strong, and kind of scary. She also possesses a hefty dose of name recognition over her pacifist of an opponent. Go ahead and give this one to Rowdy Ronda in a coin flip. Winner: Rousey.

Miesha Tate vs. Kristen Bell

Back to that selection committee and their egos. Someone on the board wants to see a cage match between real-life UFC combatants Miesha Tate and the aforementioned Rousey in the Round of 32. The one thing possibly preventing that from occurring, though, is the always perky Kristen Bell. Men know Kristen Bell. Women know Kristen Bell. Frankly, everyone knows Kristen Bell. Tate, on the other hand? Despite hailing from Tacoma, she’s a relative unknown. And as we all know, this entire competition is predicated on name recognition. Hence, we probably won’t see that all-UFC throwdown after all. Winner: Bell.

Lily Aldridge vs. Shakira

I’ve heard rumors that Shakira is legally considered a dwarf. I don’t know if those rumors are substantiated or not, but who really cares, they’re funny. We may not know much about this Lily Aldridge character, but we know enough weird stuff about Shakira that we can’t seriously pick her as our victor. Winner: Aldridge.

Mila Kunis vs. Jessica Gomes

Jessica Gomes is exotic and beautiful. Mila Kunis is also exotic and beautiful. Personally, I think Gomes is substantially more attractive than Kunis. But this isn’t about what I believe, it’s about what society believes. And society will always side with the Mila Kunises of the world. Winner: Kunis.

Naya Rivera vs. Holly Sonders

I didn’t watch Glee because I’m a guy with self-respect, so I only first became aware of Naya Rivera when I found out she was the attractive sister of Oakland Raiders tight end Mychal Rivera. By the looks of it, Mr. and Mrs. Rivera have an unusual hard-on for the letter “Y,” which means nothing to anybody, but I still wanted to point it out.

Holly Sonders, on the other hand, is a sideline reporter for the Golf Channel, which means you usually fall asleep on weekends to the sound of her voice. Hopefully having your naps narrated by the busty ex-golfer is enough to make you vote for her. I’m betting on it. Winner: Sonders.

Katherine Webb vs. Allie LaForce

Damn you, A.J. McCarron. You up and asked Katherine Webb to marry you last week and for some strange reason she said “Yes.” She can probably do better. You, however, cannot. Allie LaForce is merely collateral damage standing in the way of Webb’s impending tournament run. Winner: Webb.

Region 4: Spirited Golden Lager

Anna Kendrick vs. Bar Refaeli

That stupid, stupid Cups song is all the reason anyone should ever need to vote for Bar Refaeli. Winner: Refaeli.

Charissa Thompson vs. Sea Gal Jessica

Sea Gal Jessica
Sea Gal Jessica

I’m going out on a limb here. Charissa Thompson rarely does well in this competition and Sea Gal Jessica just happens to dance for the Super Bowl Champion Seattle Seahawks. Seems like everything the Seahawks are associated with lately (not you, Ricardo Lockette) turns to gold. Don’t let me down, 12s. Winner: Sea Gal Jessica.

Lucy Pinder vs. Olivia Wilde

Lucy Pinder has won this competition before and her boobies remain huge. Meanwhile, Olivia Wilde sleeps with quirky old Jason Sudeikis. Winner: Pinder.

Sofia Vergara vs. Karlie Kloss

If you know who Karlie Kloss is, you know more about life than I do. We all know Sofia Vergara, though. And she is really, really, steamy hot. Winner: Vergara.

Skylar Diggins vs. Chrissy Teigen

There’s a subset of guys who, despite never watching a lick of women’s basketball, really love them some Skylar Diggins. Don’t get me wrong, she’s certainly attractive. But more than that, she is the real-life incarnation of Love & Basketball‘s Monica Wright. And every guy who has ever watched that movie and played a little hoop has yearned for a Monica of his own. Of course, the trade off for landing a dime-dishing dime piece like Diggins is that you’ll absolutely be obligated to attend her games. Her WNBA games. Enjoy the crap out of that, friend.

And then there’s Chrissy Teigen, who I adore. Chrissy is from Snohomish and we’re mutual followers of one another on Twitter. That’s my claim to fame. Hers is much more expansive than that, what with being married to Grammy-winning artist John Legend, hosting her own TV show, and appearing on the cover of Sports Illustrated‘s 2014 Swimsuit Edition.

Like the sparse crowds that greet her at most WNBA venues, no one will show up to support poor Skylar Diggins. This is Teigen in a blowout. Winner: Teigen.

Megan Fox vs. Paula Patton

Once upon a time, I wrote a little blurb about Paulina Gretzky, her famous parents, and her famous parents’ friend, Alan Thicke. Wouldn’t you know it, Thicke had a child of his own once, a boy he named Robin. So what if Thicke wasn’t great at naming children? He was still a darn good sitcom dad on Growing Pains.

As fate would have it, Robin Thicke would grow up to become famous in his own right, performing music for audiences that semi-reluctantly warmed to his songs over time. As Robin’s star rose, he found himself in the company of increasingly attractive women. One woman in particular caught his eye and they eventually married. That woman’s name? Paula Patton. Sadly, our story has no happy ending, as Patton and Thicke would separate (though not officially divorce … yet) in 2014.

Either way, none of this really matters since the lovely Ms. Patton stands almost no chance against the wife of Brian Austin Green and sizzling star of the forthcoming Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles reboot, Megan Fox. But at least you got to read another fun story about Alan Thicke, right? Winner: Fox.

Janina Gavankar vs. Candice Swanepoel

In the battle of difficult names, Candice Swanepoel gets the nod over Janina Gavankar simply because I have no idea who Janina Gavankar is. Winner: Swanepoel.

Emma Stone vs. Stacy Keibler

I’ve never found Emma Stone to be all that attractive. Her voice is deep and raspy and her physical attributes leave something to be desired. I’d like to think everyone agrees with me, but would we really be in this position if you did? Of course not, so if you’re like me, we’ll just have to hope and pray that George Clooney’s former love interest can send Stone to an early exit. Winner: Keibler.

ROUND OF 32

Region 1: Your Fortune Awaits

Katy Perry vs. Nina Agdal

Nina Agdal
Nina Agdal

Nina Agdal is our Florida Gulf Coast. The slipper fits! Winner: Agdal.

Jessica Alba vs. Alex Morgan

The Jessica Alba renaissance claims another victim. Winner: Alba.

Erin Andrews vs. Kate Upton

Erin Andrews runs into the Kate Upton buzzsaw. Winner: Upton.

Jennifer Lopez vs. Beyonce

Let’s have an on-stage booty-shaking competition to determine a winner, shall we? Winner: Beyonce.

Region 2: Seize the Night

Alessandra Ambrosio vs. Hayden Panettiere

I swear, this competition is single-handedly keeping Alessandra Ambrosio relevant. Winner: Ambrosio.

Jen Selter vs. Scarlett Johansson

One of these women takes pictures of herself while the other once dated Ryan Gosling. Winner: Johansson.

Miranda Kerr vs. Eva Mendes

Eva Mendes
Eva Mendes

Veteran guile prevails once again. Winner: Mendes.

Blake Lively vs. Arianny Celeste

All Lively. Winner: Lively.

Region 3: Move Boldly

Paulina Gretzky vs. Brooklyn Decker

Not even Alan Thicke can get her out of this mess. Winner: Decker.

Ronda Rousey vs. Kristen Bell

Name recognition, name recognition, name recognition. Winner: Bell.

Lily Aldridge vs. Mila Kunis

You’re this competition’s Mercer Bears, Aldridge. Be grateful you made it this far. Winner: Kunis.

Holly Sonders vs. Katherine Webb

Goodbye, Holly Sonders. Winner: Webb.

Region 4: Spirited Golden Lager

Bar Refaeli vs. Sea Gal Jessica

The power of the 12s should not be trifled with. That is, unless you’re an international super model. Winner: Refaeli.

Lucy Pinder vs. Sofia Vergara

They’ll go toe-to-toe, head-to-head, chest-to-chest, but in the end it will be Pinder left standing. Winner: Pinder.

Chrissy Teigen vs. Megan Fox

I will miss you, Chrissy. Winner: Fox.

Candice Swanepoel vs. Stacy Keibler

How did you get here again, Candice? Winner: Keibler.

SWEET 16

Region 1: Your Fortune Awaits

Nina Agdal vs. Jessica Alba

Nina Agdal, thy name is Cinderella. Winner: Agdal.

Kate Upton vs. Beyonce

Kate Upton is on a mission. Winner: Upton

Region 2: Seize the Night

Alessandra Ambrosio vs. Scarlett Johansson

America loves Scarlett Johansson. Winner: Johansson.

Eva Mendes vs. Blake Lively

High-flying Blake Lively is too much for the grind-it-out fightin’ Mendeses. Winner: Lively.

Region 3: Move Boldly

Brooklyn Decker vs. Kristen Bell

Bell’s cakewalk into the Sweet 16 is all for naught. Winner: Decker.

Katherine Webb vs. Mila Kunis

This is where that whole “getting married to A.J. McCarron” thing finally catches up with her. Winner: Kunis.

Region 4: Spirited Golden Lager

Bar Refaeli vs. Lucy Pinder

Such a big frontcourt. Winner: Pinder.

Megan Fox vs. Stacy Keibler

This year is all about the renaissance. Winner: Fox.

ELITE EIGHT

Region 1: Your Fortune Awaits

Nina Agdal vs. Kate Upton

I hear these two are friends. They might be enemies after Upton ruthlessly disposes of her SI swimsuit buddy. Winner: Upton.

Region 2: Seize the Night

Scarlett Johansson vs. Blake Lively

Blake Lively
Blake Lively

Lively makes a triumphant return to the Final Four. Winner: Lively.

Region 3: Move Boldly

Brooklyn Decker vs. Mila Kunis

We’ll look past her marriage to Andy Roddick for a moment. Winner: Decker.

Region 4: Spirited Golden Lager

Lucy Pinder vs. Megan Fox

No one can compete with Pinder’s twin towers. Winner: Pinder.

FINAL FOUR

Kate Upton vs. Blake Lively

This is Upton’s (repeat) year. Winner: Upton.

Brooklyn Decker vs. Lucy Pinder

Pinder in a coin flip. Winner: Pinder.

CHAMPIONSHIP

Kate Upton vs. Lucy Pinder

And your 2014 Queen of the Hardwood is … Kate Upton!

Kate-Upton-KateUpton-Background-HD-Wallpaper

 

3 thoughts on “The Unofficially Official 2014 Sports Radio KJR Dance Preview”

  1. I was wondering if it would happen this year. Last year, it was barely noticed as a good percentage of the voting was online. When the contest started, it was “The Bigger Dance” but the NCAA claimed a copywrite violation. In addition, when the contest was started, Mitch spent his shows talking about girls more than sports. He was doing a Howard Stern type program. Now, the focus is back on sports as it should be.

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