Top 11: Ways You’ve Been Spending the Seahawks Offseason

House_of_Cards_Season_1_PosterFootball season is over and baseball season has yet to begin. We’re fully immersed in that special time of year when basketball and hockey take center stage, which in turn means Seattleites have nothing to do right now.

As a result, you’ve been productively slogging your way through other things that aren’t football since the magic of Super Bowl XLVIII a distant five weeks ago. And what exactly have you been up to? Read on and we’ll find out…

11. Watching True Detective.

I can’t say I’ve indulged myself in the magic of the Matthew McConaughey-Woody Harrelson buddyish cop drama yet, but when I do, I’ll likely be the last horse to cross the finish line. From the outside looking in, True Detective sounds like the most gripping HBO series since basically all the other series’ I also didn’t watch. Which means I might not ever get around to viewing it like everyone else. Thank god for Grantland, though, right? Who needs to watch TV anymore when you can just read a sportswriter’s CliffsNotes synopsis.

10. Reconnecting with your family.

Once upon a time you married someone. You married the lovely, uh … the lovely … well, the name doesn’t really matter. Point is, you married ‘em and things have worked out nicely so far. You even had a kid together. Or two kids. Maybe a third. You don’t really remember how many kids there are at any given point in time, but there are definitely a few.

Anyway, you have a beautiful, loving family that you haven’t seen since the Mariners were going through their most recent August swoon. It’s time to learn their names once again.

9. Riding the emotional roller coaster of the Mariners’ preseason.

The Mariners are winning Spring Training games at an incredible clip! There’s hope for this team yet! Could we be a playoff contender? Possibly! No, wait, scratch that. DEFINITELY. Robinson Cano will lead us to the Promised Land! This is the year, people! THIS! IS! THE! YEAR!

Ah, crap. But wait, it’s just Spring Training. It doesn’t mean anything. They’re playing in 80-degree Arizona weather. A-ball prospects are securing these exhibition victories. Their best players are merely “working on things.” This is stupid. Why are we getting our hopes up like this? They don’t even have a No. 2 starter. Their rotation has more question marks than the Spanish transcript of an Oprah interview. Do we even have three outfielders right now? We didn’t even sign Nelson Cruz! And what the hell’s going on with Ervin Santana? WHY DO THE MARINERS HATE US SO MUCH?!

This is the reality of Mariners fandom. You are forced into a lifetime of borderline schizophrenia. Godspeed, everyone.

8. Binge-watching House of Cards.

The difference between True Detective and Netflix’s equally-captivating political drama? You can watch all the episodes of House of Cards at once because, you know, Netflix.

What this means for many of you is that entire weekends have been devoted to slumming it on the couch in pajamas, ingesting this show (along with pizza, alcohol, and anything else you might be able to cook in a microwave) in all its glory.

As someone who’s casually taken my time proceeding through eight episodes of the first season (thus far), I’m not entirely sold on the desire to set aside the requisite thirteen or so hours to pay witness to the bulk of Season Two in one sitting. For one thing, binge-watching quickly leaves you with nothing left to do at its conclusion, much similar to the conundrum we find ourselves in without football. For another, my personal opinion is that the only thing worth watching for thirteen hours straight is a Seattle news outlet’s broadcast of snow coverage – “Here we are at the top of Queen Anne Hill in this rear-wheel drive Kia Sorento and, though local authorities have strongly advised us against this, we’re going to take you live from the passenger seat of this ride down the icy slope you see before you…” – or possibly a really attractive woman taking off all her clothes in extreme slo-mo. Beyond that, my attention span will not allow me to process thirteen hours of anything, Kevin Spacey included.

But hey, to each his or her own. For those of you who gave up both a Saturday and a Sunday to neglect showering and incur sofa rashes on your behinds for the benefit of viewing this show, I applaud your dedication.

7. Conceiving children.

We haven’t seen the full effect of this phenomenon yet, but give it a couple weeks and your Facebook timeline is sure to be bombarded with pregnancy announcements. What better way to celebrate a Seahawks Super Bowl win than by 12ing another 12 in hopes of a bringing a little 12 (one-twelfth?) into the world?

For those of you who are less than enthused about your friends’ “WE’RE HAVING A BABY!!!!” announcements, you have options. You can choose to exclude certain friends from your news feed, for one. You can selectively filter out certain content, such as words like “pregnant” or “baby,” for another. Or my personal preference, you can just stick to Twitter, where no one gives a shit about your friends’ kids and pregnancy revelations are rarely made by anyone with more than a dozen followers. Twitter. It makes social media tolerable.

6. Breaking Twitter.

But seriously. Who keeps breaking Twitter? It’s gone down more than Jenna Jameson the past few weeks.

5. Working.

Remember your job? You managed to neglect it for all of January and most of December, if not the entire football season.

Now you’re either weeks away from being fired or were adept enough at concealing the fact that you don’t do shit at work to con everyone into thinking it was business as usual. Regardless, you’re still left with a laundry list of outstanding items to power through, which in turn has you questioning whether income and a house and filling your car with gas are even worth it anymore.

Worse yet, you’re likely experiencing childhood flashbacks to that heartbreaking moment each fall when you returned to the classroom after two months of sitting on your ass, sucking Fun Dip sticks all summer long. This is everyone’s nightmare. You are not alone.

4. Losing weight.

Funny thing about alcohol and bar food: it’ll make you gain a ton of weight. And wouldn’t you know it, when you stop drinking and snacking your way through five months’ worth of football games, you start to shed pounds. And what’s this? A gym membership? That’s right, you did sign up for one of those back in the day. Now you can go sweat out half a year’s worth of toxins with a bunch of other miserable assholes who also like watching football as much as you and I.

Some people make resolutions. Others are subject to the NFL schedule.

3. Preparing for Storm season.

Just kidding.

2. Buying up all the championship gear you can get your hands on.

If you’re like me, you waited until prices on Super Bowl gear were slashed dramatically, up to 50-percent off, and have now made a killing off discount championship apparel. Of course, some of you are more ambitious than those of us in search of bargains, but let’s face it, your kids probably didn’t need that money for college anyway.

Everybody and their mom’s mom seemingly has at least one Super Bowl Champions shirt to wear around now, let alone hats, socks, magnets, mugs, scarves, posters, officially-licensed sex toys, the list goes on.  A region collectively weeps for next month’s credit card bills.

1. Re-watching the Super Bowl over and over again.

Some of you 12s have watched the game about 100 times since it originally aired. That’s more than one or two viewings per day depending on the validity of your claims. I’m all for reliving our triumph. But let’s have a little control here, people. Moderation is key.

Step away from the DVR for a moment. Get outside. Experience natural light. Enjoy fresh oxygen. Maybe talk to another living being. Go ahead and change out of that jersey you haven’t taken off since the start of February. Put on some deodorant for Christ’s sake. Try to get laid, or at least rub one out to something other than dudes playing football. Have a meal that didn’t originate from a cardboard box buried in your freezer.

Look, I get it. Just like you, I also recognize this victory as one of the two most significant in our city’s history. But we’ll be waxing poetic about this moment for the rest of our lives; no need to milk all the nostalgia out of this game in one month’s time.

All I’m saying is 12 responsibly. And always remember to never 12 and drive.

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