Are you a 49ers fan making the trip to Seattle for this Sunday’s NFC Championship game? Do you know a 49ers fan coming to town to attend the game? Are you this lady, who would prefer to hang out with 49ers fans because the Seahawks faithful are “alcohol-fueled bullies”?
Whatever your situation, if you plan to support that other football team from San Francisco this week, we’d like to welcome you to the Emerald City with this comprehensive guide of things to do, places to stay, and restaurants at which to eat during your time with us. You can’t say we aren’t a classy bunch up here in the beautiful Pacific Northwest.
Where to stay on your trip
Let’s start with lodging. You bought playoff tickets on a whim from a third-party reseller, dropping more than a thousand dollars of hard-earned cash that could have paid to send your kid to college bail your kid out of jail, and now you’ve only begun to piece the rest of your mini-vacation together. Not to worry, friend, we’ve done the legwork for you. When you visit Seattle, here are three of the best local inns for you to call your temporary home.
1. The Emerald Queen Hotel & Casino
With three stars to its name, the Emerald Queen Hotel & Casino is arguably considered the nicest hotel in all of Fife. If you have a gambling habit, you’ll find the sprawling complex especially to your liking – but don’t spend all that money in one place! An abundance of nearby automobile dealerships may just catch your eye before you leave town.
2. Extended Stay America
Nestled between luxurious Interstate-5 and a highway that prostitutes frequent, you’ll find the Extended Stay America, owner of an impressive (for Fife) 3.3 Google Review rating. Feel free to call the Extended Stay home for a night, a weekend, or forever – that’s why they call it Extended Stay! Just don’t venture too far from your room after dark. Unless you’re into hookers. In which case, go wherever the wind takes you. And Godspeed.
3. Days Inn Fife
One of very few motels bold enough to put the township’s name right there in their lodging’s moniker, the Days Inn Fife deserves recognition simply for claiming Fife as its own. Respect.
What to do on your trip
1. Visit the Emerald Queen Casino
Even if you don’t plan to sleep at the worldish-renowned EQC, we invite you to make a day of it at the slots. If you’re lucky, you might even be able to catch a concert from some of your favorite musical acts of days gone by, such as Brian McKnight, Air Supply, or my personal favorite, Billy Ocean!
2. Venture over to the Fife History Museum
Have you ever wanted to learn more about Fife? Great news! The Fife History Museum will give you what is most likely to be considered an unnecessary amount of knowledge on this city of industry. For just $20, you can allegedly purchase an annual pass so that you may brush up on ancient Fife trivia each time you return to the great state of Washington in 2014!
3. Take a dip at the Fife Swim Center
If you enjoy dozens of screaming children splashing you incessantly with chlorinated water, the Fife Swim Center is the place for you! Operated by Spaniards who siesta in the afternoon (we think), the Swim Center is open from 5:30 a.m. to 1:00 p.m., and then again from 4:30 p.m. to 9:00 p.m., Monday through Thursday. Oddly, the Swim Center is only open from 5:30 a.m. to 1:00 p.m. on Fridays. And a bit of bad news: the Swim Center will be closed this Saturday, January 18th, for what we can only assume to be a celebration of the 1955 Battle of Yijangshan – and who could forget that! Regardless, if you don’t go there, you might not have anything left to do in Fife. So…go there.
Where to eat on your trip
1. Louie G’s Pizzeria
With a 4.4 Google Review rating, Louie G’s Pizzeria does not mess around. Offering up a seemingly limitless supply of delectable Italian cuisine, Louie G’s is so good that it may even inspire you to sing the praises of one of Seattle’s favorite Italians, Breno Giacomini. Giacomini! Giacomini!
2. Thai in Fife
Proud bearer of a 4.0 Google Review rating, Thai in Fife wins the award for most transparent venue name. If you’re into Thai food while simultaneously in Fife, this is probably the place to go.
3. Jack in the Box
Marijuana is legal in Washington. Jack in the Box serves “Munchie Meals.” It’s not hard to figure out.
So there you have it! Three of the best places to stay, visit, and eat while you’re with us here in our fair city. We hope you enjoy your trip, but not too much, because we plan to kick your ass on Sunday. Also, your quarterback is a doofus, and you guys suck at geography.
Welcome to Seattle! Go Hawks!