Twitter. A haven for self-aggrandizing mini-stories. A place for all of us to get together and meet without ever having to see an actual human being. For all the reasons we love Twitter, there are an equal number of reasons we hate it. The following 35 personas are the main contributors to our loathing.
35. The Mack Daddy
Sample tweet: “@HotGirl1 You look beautiful today ;)”
Forty-seven years of life has yielded no spawn for this man. E-Harmony has failed him, while Match.com sadly yielded no matches. He friend requested everybody on Facebook, but only 64 people reluctantly confirmed his acquaintanceship. The last time he had sex was during the Bush administration…Bush Senior, that is. With nowhere left to turn, The Mack Daddy has opted to spread his virtual seed on Twitter. The benefactors of his admiration? Every woman he deems beautiful. Maybe even you. Check your DMs, pretty lady…
34. Mr. Serious Newsman
Sample tweet: “BREAKING: Local firefighters rescue cat from beer keg.”
This is the news. It’s serious. This is the newsiest news you’ll ever read and Mr. Serious Newsman is here to deliver it to you. Do not joke about this news. There’s nothing funny about it. If anything, be amazed. Because this news is BREAKING. You’re the first person to hear about this shocking turn of events. You are the luckiest of the lucky. Go buy a lotto ticket after this, you fortunate S.O.B.
33. The Lurker
The Lurker once tweeted by accident. That will never happen again. He’s here for the news, the updates. He’s here to read and be entertained. He’s here to stay up on current events or the day-to-day happenings in your life. The Lurker cares about you more than you know, but he’ll never say it. He doesn’t want to bore you with his opinions or anything. He’s here to watch. And that’s just fine.
32. The Athlete
Sample tweet: “Jus wanna thank all my fans #BLESSED”
The Athlete is the most blessed creature on earth. He is literally borne from the loins of Jesus. Or figuratively borne from the loins of Jesus. The Athlete doesn’t know the difference between “literally” and “figuratively,” so it doesn’t really matter. Regardless, The Athlete is humble and loyal and thankful and — wait, is that a hot chick who just mentioned The Athlete? Should The Athlete retweet her? Definitely. Should The Athlete follow her back? Yeah, probably so. Should The Athlete DM her? Absolutely. Should The Athlete send her a picture of his penis? Just to be safe, yes.
31. The Larry Stone
Sample tweet: “+++++az++s”
Growing up in a more paper-friendly era, The Larry Stone is still adjusting to life with a smartphone in his pocket. Part of that adjustment, it seems, is learning how to utilize the lock feature on said smartphone. Named for a sports columnist with a penchant for butt-tweeting one letter or mysterious symbol at a time, The Larry Stone speaks in a language that only other veteran pundits may understand. Peter Gammons, longtime baseball writer and sexagenerian, is a Larry Stone disciple, polluting the interwebs with gobbledygook of his own. Maybe it’s an honest mistake. Or maybe these dastardly deviants are communicating back and forth in code, unveiling plans for a universal takeover that none of us will ever see coming. We’re onto you, Larry Stone.
30. The Single Lady in Denial
Sample tweet: “Glass of wine in front of the fire, movie on, two cats on my lap, drama free, LIFE IS GREAT!”
Ah, but life isn’t great, Single Lady in Denial, and you know this. Your wine would go down just a smidge smoother if you were cuddled in the arms of a loved one, your fire would burn just a wee bit hotter if the hands of another caressed your neck. Those cats? They can’t replace the sexy piece of ass that could be sleeping with you tonight. And the drama? It’s just one Facebook post from a deranged “friend” away from coming right back. This is reality. There’s no sense denying it. Maybe give The Mack Daddy a follow.
29. The Social Media Savant
Sample tweet: “Are you doing it right? Here are seven ways to improve your social media presence!”
The Social Media Savant has 10,000 followers. The Social Media Savant also follows 11,000 people, but that’s neither here nor there. Fact is, you aren’t doing social media right. You’re doing it wrong. And this guru of the online world would like to tell you about all the ways you’re doing it wrong. Sure, The Social Media Savant is breaking her own rule by polluting your timeline with shit you don’t care about. But that’s the cost of being an expert. You wouldn’t understand.
28. The Interrogator
Sample tweet: “What do you guys think about pancakes?”
The Interrogator once read a blog post from The Social Media Savant that suggested asking questions as a way of attracting new followers. Being the obedient type, The Interrogator took that advice and ran with it. And kept running with it. And didn’t stop until he basically became Forrest Gump. Whaddaya think about this? Whaddaya think about that? What would you do if YOU COULD ONLY HAVE ONE of these two very different things? What if? Why? How? Who? Where? Huh? This guy is like Alex Trebek, yet can’t answer any inquiry on his own, including the most important question, “What is annoying?”
27. Mr. Face Value
Sample tweet: “@JoeComedian Actually, the reason you hate the gym is because of endorphins.”
You made a joke. You’re funny in small doses, and this dose was just tiny enough to bring laughter to the world. Your dry wit is understood by many, but not Mr. Face Value. The thing about Mr. Face Value? He likely wouldn’t grasp your wit if it was soaking wet, either. This guy is a real pill, a straight arrow with a knack for destroying comedy by taking it literally. That isn’t what she said, he’ll tell you. She said this, instead. You sigh each time he pops up in your virtual world and only wish to punch him in the face at least once before you die. That’s all you need. Just one punch.
26. The Self-Righteous Solicitor
Sample tweet: “95% of you won’t retweet this to help stop hunger in remote parts of Canada…”
The Self-Righteous Solicitor always has a cause. It’s the kind of cause that would melt your heart…if you had a heart to melt, you dick. But you don’t, so you likely won’t retweet the Self-Righteous Solicitor’s wonderful, beautiful cause, which makes you a heartless, evil bastard who’s probably headed straight to hell one day. But thankfully 95-percent of us will be joining you there. Good company.
25. The Subtweeter
Sample tweet: “This one guy on my timeline is a real jerk. His first name is Steve and his last name starts with J.”
They may as well be Lord Voldemort, those violators of your freedoms who you refuse to mention by name, slash, Twitter handle. You will subtweet them until the day the internet blows up in its all-too-predictable demise at the hands of robots that any idiot with two eyes and half a brain can clearly see coming. But I digress. You are guilty of what many consider to be a true crime within the holy sanctuary that is the porn-riddled World Wide Web. You have spoken ill of another without specifically citing to whom you are referring. Treason! This is treason. Grounds for dismissal from social media. You can’t do that, they scream, there are unwritten rules in play, an ethos you must respect. Whatever. You do you, Subtweeter. You do you.
24. The Memer
Sample tweet: “I don’t always do this thing, but when I do, I try to be as annoying as possible: [Pic]”
The photo equivalent of a tweet, memes were designed to both entertain and irritate in equal parts. For every great meme there are three or four shitty ones, which means most of the time when a picture with big bold white letters pops up on your feed, you’ll be less than inspired. Those who can pull off great memes are usually plagued by a desire to try and do it a dozen times a day, so even the best Memers will fail you with incredible frequency. The Memer is exactly that individual who will not stop attempting to frame a goofy image with the perfect text, and as a result you will get all of his emotions conveyed via graphical blurb all the time. Once in a blue moon The Memer will come up with something great and you’ll be there to pay witness to it. But most of the time you will be disappointed. Don’t we have enough disappointment in our lives already?
23. The Chiver
Sample tweet: “World poverty got you down? #KCCO, bro.”
The Chiver likely didn’t go to college and therefore missed out on the whole fraternity/sorority experience back when he or she was first experimenting with adulthood. The Chiver was never privy to forced friendships or fabricated social events and wants to make up for that. Thankfully, a glorified photo blog has provided all the inclusiveness/exclusiveness of university Greek life without the need to spend money on education. Chive on, bro.
22. The Layman Reporter
Sample tweet: “BREAKING: There is a cat and a beer keg and some firefighters.”
There is a real news source out there bringing information to the masses. The Layman Reporter a) does not care and b) isn’t sure if you follow that legitimate news source. So what does The Layman Reporter do? The Layman Reporter, bless his heart, will plagiarize that very news and deliver it to you for free. What a guy. How would we go on without this charitable buffoon? He’s the New York Times of Twitter. In his own mind, at least.
21. The Grammar Nazi
Sample tweet: “@JoeSchmo You misspelled ‘Hauschka.’”
Maybe you failed third grade English. Maybe you have fat fingers. Maybe your autocorrect sucks. There’s no way any of us can be sure which of these things is your issue. Just to be safe, The Grammar Nazi will call you on all your syntax errors on the off-chance you’re a complete moron and didn’t realize you typed “half” instead of “have.” The Grammar Nazi is here to help.
20. The Jersey Chaser
Sample tweet: “Oooo, I see you @JoeAthlete!! *Drool*”
The female doppelganger of The Mack Daddy, The Jersey Chaser limits her romantic endeavors to people like the aforementioned Athlete. The Jersey Chaser shamelessly stalks her prey like an overzealous cheetah sprinting across the Serengeti in pursuit of a herd of antelope. She will mention and retweet any and all athletes she deems bed-worthy, follow the most menial of professional benchwarmers, and express her unbridled admiration for even miniscule accomplishments achieved by each and every paycheck-earning ballplayer she’s clicked her mouse upon. It is some combination of sick, twisted, and genius. Get it, girl.
19. The Mitch Levy
Sample tweet: “We landed on the moon.”
The Mitch Levy, named in honor of a Seattle-based sports radio talk show host, is a crafty, meticulous ignoramus. News isn’t news, it turns out, until it reaches his ears. He didn’t know there were three Kardashian sisters. He wasn’t aware of that one band, that uh, you know, the one with the guy, that uh…’NSync, I believe they called themselves. They put nougat in these Snickers bars now? Huh, imagine that. The Mitch Levy is a calculated, bona fide wizard who can turn even the most common knowledge into a shocking revelation that became shocking, you see, since he just found out about it. Or so he pretends. With the six people he follows. That madman.
18. The Complimenter
Sample tweet: “@Anyone You look beautiful today!”
The Complimenter is a close cousin of The Mack Daddy, but is slightly better-intentioned than his sex-crazed kin. While The Mack Daddy is only looking to get laid, The Complimenter understands that he probably won’t get any booty for his niceness. Will that stop him from being sugary sweet? Heck no. He’ll send positive vibes anyone’s way, but is especially generous with beautiful women and famous dudes, sucking up to the in-crowd like a member of your high school glee club. You watch The Complimenter’s interactions and you wonder what kind of value he gets from this shameless whoring of his own dignity. But hey, whatever keeps one getting out of bed each day, I suppose.
17. The Overresponder
Sample tweet: “@Anybody Yes.”
Props to Twitter for having the foresight to keep replies to those people we don’t follow from clogging our news feeds. Were it not for that line of code buried deep within a meaty script somewhere, The Overresponder would likely have no one to respond to, since we would all gladly unfollow his ass. This guy can’t let anything go. Ever. He will literally tweet one-word answers to you if he must, and don’t even think about getting the last word in during a conversation with him. When it comes to a back-and-forth interaction, The Overresponder is the starter and the closer. He’s an entire rotation, as well as the bullpen. You cannot stop The Overresponder. You can only hope to contain him. And the best way to contain is by not talking to him at all.
16. Debbie Downer
Sample tweet: “No money, no transportation, looks like I’m not going out tonight…again :(“
Everything was going so splendidly. And then Debbie Downer came along. You can almost hear the WAHP-wahhh playing in the background each time this lovely breath of fresh air appears on your timeline. Her life is so depressing, so emotionally draining, and because she cannot physically share her sadness with you, you rich bastard, she will compile her deepest, most pitiful sentiments into 140-character blurbs and occasionally launch them like the most unexpected grenades unto the forefront of your consciousness. Soak it in, you happy jerk. Soak. It. In.
15. The Biggest Sports Fan Ever
Sample tweet: “Getting tired of all these so-called fans talking crap about MY SEAHAWKS!”
You might like sports, but do you love sports? I mean, really love it. The kind of love that involves chains and whips and that sort of thing. Because this guy, he’s The Biggest Sports Fan Ever. And he will totally get freaky with sports just to prove how deeply devoted he is. Fact is, you’re only a pseudo-fan. You can’t compete with The Biggest Sports Fan Ever. You are less than him. You don’t support your team unconditionally and therefore cannot really be a true fan. So don’t even try. Go back to your day job, which you still have, because you refused to become unemployed for your team. Poser.
14. The Conversation Crasher
Sample tweet: “@CoolGal1 @CoolGuy1 Hey guys, what are we talking about?”
You were having a nice (albeit public) heart-to-heart with a buddy when this guy got involved. Hey, fella. This is an A and B conversation, if you catch my drift. But guess what? The Conversation Crasher doesn’t catch your drift. The Conversation Crasher doesn’t even know what a drift is. The Conversation Crasher is here to drop bombs on your one-on-one discussion. Because The Conversation Crasher needs your attention and wants to be your buddy. And is there really any better way to do that than by interrupting you? I think not.
13. The Oblivious Egotist
Sample tweet: “Need everyone’s help: Do I look better in Photo 1 or Photo 2?”
In the middle of a worldwide crisis that seemingly everyone on social media is discussing, The Oblivious Egotist will strike and strike hard. Natural disasters, terrorist acts, and presidential elections only give him the strength he needs to be himself, tweeting absentmindedly in regards to something no one cares about in the wake of a transcendent global event. He’ll only be slightly offended when you choose to ignore his latest modeling photo or that ill-timed shoutout to his own damn self, which is impressive since he might be the only person who actually knows how to shout out oneself. Really, though, he won’t notice whether you care or don’t care, because he doesn’t notice anything at all. Well, anything outside his personal bubble, at least.
12. Mr. Humblebrag
Sample tweet: “Got a follow back from @Celebrity123. NBD.”
Mr. Humblebrag is far from self-centered. He’s consciously aware of others and understands that we are all created equal. He gives to charity on occasion and tries to keep retweeting to a minimum, lest those retweets get in anyone’s way. In all, Mr. Humblebrag is a pretty good dude. His one vice? He wants to tell you how good he is. In the most respectful way possible, of course. And so he’ll casually pass along news of his great fortune or improved social status just to remind you that, hey, this is a good dude you’re looking at. And whether you think positively or negatively of his contributions to your intake of information, he won’t know, because you’re too nice to say anything about this mildly irritating interaction. So he’ll keep humble bragging from now until the day he dies. Deal with it.
11. The Blocker
Sample tweet: “Can’t stand these clowns clogging up my TL with stupid shit. #BLOCKED”
It’s a wonder there’s anyone left on Twitter to interact with him. The Blocker is more defensive than Dikembe Mutombo, preventing access into his virtual world by blocking anyone he dislikes. The Blocker dislikes just about everyone, however, from those who tweet too much, to those who he has beef with, to the people who post pictures of their kids, to the news outlets that produce objective articles he disagrees with, to anyone who ever created a meme. The Blocker is a curmudgeon with his very own button. We should all be so lucky.
10. The Parade Rainer
Sample tweet: “@CynicalJokester Hey, I know it’s all in good fun, but you don’t need to make jokes about widgets like that.”
Hey, that timely, snarky tweet you just dropped like a mic upon the stage that is Twitter? You should really consider deleting it. Because The Parade Rainer doesn’t like it. And never mind the fact that 50 people already retweeted your colloquial words of inspiration in the last minute alone. The Parade Rainer is offended and taken aback that you would even say something so despicable. You’re better than that, fella. You’re better than a crass joke directed at a well-deserving audience. You are better than…screw it, who are we kidding? The Parade Rainer is an ass. Way to go, jokey jokemaker!
9. The Super Retweeter
Sample tweet: “RT @MrSeriousNewsman: BREAKING: Local firefighters rescue cat from beer keg.”
The Super Retweeter has never had an original thought. A consumer of information, The Super Retweeter probably knows more than you and can prove it by clicking a button: the retweet button. A dozen clicks later and The Super Retweeter has contributed more to your daily intake of knowledge than most educators ever did. The Super Retweeter has selflessly donated his Twitter account to literally everyone else. Who knows. Maybe The Super Retweeter will retweet you one day. We can all dream.
8. The Holier-Than-Thou Pseudo-Celeb
Sample tweet: “@AverageJoe If you don’t like my latest work then why are you talking to me? #UNFOLLOW”
He’s not famous enough to ignore all his mentions, so instead he reads each tweet sent his way and digests every ounce of criticism as if it were the antidote to a life-threatening illness ravaging his body. Rather than take the hate in stride, The Holier-Than-Thou Pseudo-Celeb makes it his mission to inflict pain upon those who dare insult him, replying back with stinging remarks that mostly come across to the rest of us as whiny complaints. He’s a sensitive prick with a penchant for falling to pieces when provoked. Which gives everyone else just enough motivation to keep provoking him.
7. The Serial Hashtagger
Sample tweet: “Eating #risotto with the #family on the #deck enjoying this #summer #sunset! #YOLO”
It’s like they’re in a heated competition to see who can fit the most pound signs into a sentence without breaking the internet. Why? WHY?! On the off-chance someone actually searches the hashtag “#YOLO,” will that inquiring mind be so moved by The Serial Hashtagger’s contribution to Twitter that they click the “Follow” button? Will they?! REALLY?! Well, The Serial Hashtagger is banking on that. Meanwhile, the rest of us are forced to suck it.
6. The Beggar
Sample tweet: “Hey, man. It’s my birthday and you’re my favorite player. Can I get a RT or follow-back?”
What doesn’t The Beggar need? He needs everything, it seems. A retweet or a follow-back or a hug or a high-five or whatever bit of attention you can spare him. His value depends on your acknowledgement of his existence, so you damn well better not ignore him because it’s his birthday or his cat’s birthday or his son’s birthday or his grandmother’s birthday and this would make his ENTIRE YEAR if you just said hello, don’t you understand?! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JUST SAY HELLO!
5. The Political Activist
Sample tweet: “Take my guns? You’re an asshole, Obama.”
The Political Activist is angry, but only angry with half the population. He leans right or left and loathes those who fall on the other end of the spectrum. He has opinions fueled by propaganda and enhanced by information that may or may not be factual. He will fight you if you disagree with him. He spends most of his day dissecting everything the government does or does not do. He is miserable, but he refuses to believe his misery is caused by anything besides the presence of those damn liberals/conservatives.
4. The Potentially-Bipolar Insecure Fan Boy
Sample tweet: “@Sportswriter1 You suck. Why are you hating on my team? Can I get a follow back or are you too good for that? I love you.”
At times, he is the meanest person on the internet. Other times, he could pass for your best friend. He most definitely exhibits bipolar tendencies, and for that he exists as somewhat of an enigma. You never know what you might get with The Potentially-Bipolar Insecure Fan Boy. If he’s on his medication, he’ll have a pleasant conversation with you and everything will be sunshine and daisies. But on those frequent occasions when he neglects to consume his crazy pills, watch out. Any little thing could set him off, especially sports. And because he is a fan boy, he will seek out confrontations with those who disparage his team or anything else he truly adores. If nothing else, he’s a passionate human being. But passion will only get you so far when you are absolutely insane.
3. The Foodie
Sample tweet: “BEST MEAL EVER: [pic]”
Sonofabitch, how we all hate The Foodie. The Foodie even knows we hate her and her thousands upon thousands of food pics. And yet The Foodie will never cease photographing her meals, because, well, we don’t really know why. Maybe it’s a ploy to show the world that, hey, she can look great and eat great, too. Because let’s face it, there aren’t too many morbidly obese food-togs out there. No one wants a Twitpic of a bucket of fried chicken clogging their timelines before subsequently clogging arteries. Maybe if The Foodie mixed in more selfies with those dinner snapshots we’d all be a bit more tolerant of her behavior.
2. The Crossfitter
Sample tweet: “#WOD”
If a Crossfit workout occurs but no one talks about it after the fact, did the workout really happen at all? The Crossfitter is great at one thing: talking about Crossfit. He might not be able to raise a kettle bell with any semblance of proper technique or even do a dead lift without flirting with permanent injury, but goddammit he can really, really convey his passion for a johnny-come-lately exercise regimen. Social media was designed with these bastards in mind. The only problem is managing to squeeze all the activities pulled off during one WOD (workout of the day, to the layman) into a 140-character text box — the 10,000,000,000,000 faux pull-ups alone test the limitations of Twitter’s boundaries. And for Christ’s sake, they’re not even real pull-ups, so can we please stop calling them that? Your range of motion was like, three inches. That is not a pull-up. I don’t even know what that is. That’s garbage. I’m disgusted right now.
1. The Promoter
Sample tweet: “@EVERYONE Hey guys, can you retweet this link to my t-shirt site? Thanks!!!”
King of all online assholes, The Promoter is looking for any way to get some exposure and earn a dollar or two, even if that means pissing off the entire world in the process. To The Promoter, any publicity is good publicity. Yeah, for every person that actually retweets the link he’s trying to make viral, another person will block him, but these are the risks involved with hustling. The Promoter could be out selling cars, drugs, or guns, but he’s no skeezer. Instead, he’ll sit on his couch and ping you over and over and over again until you give in and subsequently give him the time of day. This is America, home of spam and birthplace of the internet. The Promoter, he’s just living the dream.