God damn it, Mariners. Your manager just quit on you. He quit! That doesn’t fucking happen! This is the major fucking leagues! What the hell are you doing? How on earth can you possibly explain this disaster? What. The. Fuck.
And he isn’t the first. Not at all. Not even the first this decade. Mike Hargrove quit on you in 2007. In the middle of the goddamn season. He just up and left. Got in a pickup truck and literally drove away. He was so aggravated by the crazy shit you pull that he took a road trip through the country and left Major League Baseball altogether.
Do you assholes even understand what is going on here? Major league managers DO NOT QUIT THEIR JOBS. Ever. It doesn’t happen. They’re making ridiculous amounts of money to babysit adults. This is their dream come true. They’re at the pinnacle of their profession. Why the hell would they ever quit? It would be foolish to quit. No one would do it. And yet…and yet…I can hardly believe this…you’ve had TWO managers quit on you in the PAST SIX YEARS! WHAT THE SHIT?!
And if you want to go back just a little bit further, you had ANOTHER manager quit on you in 2002, when Lou Piniella up and decided it was time to leave. You drove away the greatest manager in the history of the organization because you people are CRAZY! YOU’RE CRAZY! You assholes are nuts and you don’t even realize it! You’re the woman on Maury with eight babies by eight different men wondering why you can’t keep no man while simultaneously proclaiming you don’t need no man while holding eight fucking kids you can’t raise to be men while wearing a leather mini-skirt and heels and talking about your job as a ten-dollar-an-hour stripper in the middle of the goddamn ghetto, goddammit look in the mirror, stupid! This is some bullshit! All of it! All of it is bullshit!
This is all your fault, Chuck. You too, Howard. You senile old bastards have to be some of the worst executives in the history of American capitalism. This organization is making money in spite of your wrinkly, decrepit asses. This organization is being carried by the people beneath you, people behind the scenes who nobly come to work for you crazy fucks every day for God knows what reason. They deserve better than you. We all do. And yet you won’t leave. Why the hell won’t you leave? Just leave.
Eric Wedge quit on you because he got fed up with the same bullshit that every Seattle Mariners fan is equally fed up with. And Jack Zduriencik, whether you fire him or he quits first, is next. Jack hasn’t been great at his job and this organization could probably do better at the General Manager position. But just like Wedge, Zduriencik can do a whole lot better than you. Here’s hoping both men find success elsewhere, success they NEVER would have found here. Because one can only conduct a runaway train for so long before it crashes, burns, and blows to smithereens.
We can all do better. All of us. Every fan, every coach, every player, every employee working beneath you, everyone. Every fan that pays your goddamn salary, that just wants to see this team win, that lives and dies by a baseball team that treats its loyal supporters like absolute crap. Every coach that has to wonder day in and day out whether his job will be secured by a bunch of idiots always looking to find the next scapegoat. Every player that has to wonder if and when he will be cut, a scapegoat in his own right, while being surrounded by the negativity that permeates a losing ballclub. Every employee that’s done his or her job each day without the benefit of seeing the organization succeed. And every single goddamn one of us that just wants the Mariners to win a World Series, which we cannot do with a pair of morons running the franchise.
Get out, you bastards.