Around the Videosphere – Episode 1: Saved By the Bell-ish

slaterA couple years ago we introduced a segment on the site entitled Around Geoff Baker, a semi-regular column that profiled the video stylings of The Seattle Times’ Mariners beat writer. Geoff had a knack for recording himself doing all sorts of things, including one feature he called Around the Blogosphere. Our counter to ATB was an in-depth look at everything around Geoff in his videos. It was fun, mostly because Geoff is a fun guy to dissect. But the fun was short-lived, as Geoff’s video postings became less and less frequent and AGB died a slow death.

On Thursday, we found out that Geoff was being promoted off the Mariners beat to a role that combines investigate reporting with a look at sports business. First off, congrats to Geoff! Second, we hope this new role brings with it lots of video recordings. And third, this wonderful news prompted a look back at Around Geoff Baker, which in turn inspired us to rekindle a video-related column on the site.

This brings us to Around the Videosphere, which borrows on Geoff’s brainchild from a past life and examines videos found on YouTube. The subject of the article can be any video one would have the pleasure of uncovering on YouTube. Why YouTube? Because it’s really easy to embed YouTube videos on these pages and I’m too damn lazy to explore alternatives for non-YouTube videos.

Our inaugural installment takes a closer look at an excerpt from an episode of Saved By the Bell you’ve probably never seen. I assume you’ve probably never seen it because until today, I had never seen it. And I’ve seen every Saved By the Bell episode ever made. But this one’s different. Because this is an episode from Saved By the Bell: The New Class.

Now before you go running off, hear me out. Because like you, I’m fully aware that The New Class sucks. This isn’t just any New Class episode, though. This is a reunion episode featuring Zack (Mark-Paul Gosselaar), Slater (Mario Lopez), and Lisa (Lark Voorhies). And because they were regular cast members on both the original SBTB and The New Class, Mr. Belding (Dennis Haskins) and Screech (Dustin Diamond) make appearances as well. So, you know, this should be…weird. Anyway, let’s get to it!

0:01 – Oh snap, they’re still doing dances in the same tiny, old gym. This wouldn’t be a problem if the school had just taken the oil company’s offer back in Season 3. Build a better Bayside, my ass.

0:03 – Mr. Belding in an Elvis suit! Classic Mr. Belding!

0:10 – A ’50s-themed prom. Has Bayside High School ever been privy to a normal dance? There was the ho-down prom, the costume ball, the one dance during the Tori years where everyone dressed up in elaborate mascot costumes (Gumby, astronaut). Can’t Bayside just have a regular “girls-in-short-skirts, guys-in-cheap-suits” type of shindig? Is that too much to ask?

0:15 – Yeah, that’s Screech in the background deejaying this dance, also in an Elvis suit. Keep in mind that in The New Class, Screech is some sort of low-level faculty member. But still. Every dance in the history of Bayside High School has been deejayed by Screech Powers. Based on the amount of experience he had at such a young age, he could have easily been the next David Guetta.

0:23 – I don’t like this guy in the grey suit. But I bet he comes around by the time this clip has run its course.

0:27 – Slater! Sans jheri curl! Not in a bro-tank! What the hell is going on?

0:36 – I timed it. Ten full seconds of girls screaming in the audience. That’s longer than most of their orgasms, I’d wager. Slater got these girls off just by showing up in a sweater and jeans. Ultimate power.

1:00 – Lisa! Dressed as Cruella de Vil! Or the Queen of Hearts! Or a piano with red around it! Lisa!

1:11 – Has it ever occurred to anyone that Screech can never go back? He can never go back.

1:36 – I realize we’re viewing a clip from 1994, but only a $1,000 limit on your credit card, Lisa?! What the hell? That’s some serious bad credit for a person of your reputed wealth. We never corrected the issues from Season 1, did we? You racked up all those charges again, didn’t you? Pretty soon she’ll be selling herself to Screech for money.

1:43 – Take a look at Belding’s face when the old woman in blue walks in:

beldingface

That is some incredible ferocity.

2:00 – Holy crap. I think…I think…yep, these two took each other’s V-cards.

2:17 – This chick is Zack’s aunt?! My god, if that promiscuity runs in the family, she must have seven or eight different venereal diseases by now, at least.

2:23 – For those of you wondering what Mark-Paul Gosselaar did throughout the latter part of the ’90s, after The College Years ended and Wedding in Vegas had been aired, the answer is grow his hair out to awkward lengths and cry himself to sleep each night.

3:03 – Following the timeline of The College Years, Zack is alleged to be a college sophomore at this point in time. Hence, we can assume he’s about 20 years old in this clip. How many 20-year-old college sophomores do you know that casually wear goddamn sport coats?

3:15 – So let’s quickly recap. Belding talks to the guy, nothing. Screech talks to the guy, nothing. Slater talks to the guy, nothing. Lisa talks to the guy, nothing. Zack’s aunt talks to the guy, nothing. ZACK talks to the guy…speechless. The guy is now speechless. Five people tried to talk this dude out of tearing down Bayside and he wouldn’t budge. Zack says two words to the jackass and he’s now reconsidering a $5 million investment. And that, friends, is why Kelly Kapowski “yes.” But seriously, I’m beginning to think this show is rigged.

3:20 – And now Zack’s aunt is whisking the dude away to dance. They’re like a team, aunt and nephew. Why didn’t the execs over at TNT structure Franklin and Bash around Zack Morris and Aunt Morris? One half of the team will charm you into reconsidering your entire life’s work, the other half is a geriatric whore who will play with your balls until you do whatever it is Aunt and Zack want you to do. The name “Franklin and Bash” could still work under that scenario.

3:39 – It’s over. Dude’s laughing. He’s not buying the school after all. He’s not gonna tear it down. Everybody gets what they want. Except society. Because this pencil-pushing real estate magnate refused to deconstruct Bayside, society will be subjected to five…more…seasons of The New Class. Way to go, jerk.

*Got an idea for Around the Videosphere? Post video suggestions in the comments section, hit us up on Twitter, or send an email our way. If your submission gets chosen, we’ll give you a shout-out in our next segment!

 

 

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