I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Boise is not a state. I don’t know when this geopolitical sham will finally cease, but it needs to. How can we preach “No Child Left Behind,” then mislabel our institutes of higher learning? And not only that, but it leads to a bigger question of how valuable the education at such a disoriented house of academia can possibly be.
Take, for instance, embattled former NFL receiver Titus Young (pictured above). That guy is batshit crazy. To the tune of four (4) missed court appearances. He’s now a fugitive from the law simply because he failed to appear before a judge for all the other batshit crazy shit he’s alleged to have done. That’s insane. And where did he go to college? Boise Effing State.
Confused. Titus Young is obviously confused. Did this confusion start when Young attended a carelessly-nomered university? Perhaps. We don’t know. But it would make a whole lot of sense, wouldn’t it?
Anyway, Washington wins this game. They won’t lose under all the hullabaloo of the evening. Let’s say…31-24. That sounds like a good prediction-type score.
Game 2: Washington at Illinois; Saturday, Sept. 14, 3:00 p.m. PT; Soldier Field, Chicago, Ill.
Did you know that Illinois is not so great at football? I know we tend to assume that Big 10 teams are pretty good at football, but in the case of Illinois that is just not true.
A year ago, the Fightin’ Illini managed to piece together a 2-10 record. (So I guess they weren’t really fightin’ much at all…hahhhhh.) They got their asses handed to them by Arizona State in the season’s second week, then got their asses handed to them by nearly everyone else after that. Were it not for Western Michigan (suck it, Western Michigan) and Charleston Southern (this school really exists?), Illinois would have been un-undefeated in 2012, which is not good.
You have to figure that Illinois might be a little better this year than they were last. And the Huskies do face a tough task in going on the road and playing in an unfamiliar location. But come on. If you can’t beat a 2-10 ballclub, your season is going to suck. Here’s hoping our season doesn’t suck.
Washington wins, 42-17.
Game 3: Washington vs. Idaho State; Saturday, Sept. 21, TBA; Husky Stadium, Seattle, Wash.
Hey, look at that. Idaho State. Forty-third state in the union, no less.
Do we even need to go any further? This is going to be a bloodbath.
Washington wins, 136-3.
Game 4: Washington vs. Arizona; Saturday, Sept. 28, TBA; Husky Stadium, Seattle, Wash.
You may not recall what happened the last time Washington played Arizona; that’s probably a good thing. The Dawgs trekked down to the desert last season and were trounced by the Wildcats, 52-17. Of the season’s first four games, this is the contest the Huskies may be most poised to lose.
Yet for so many other reasons, Washington should have a great opportunity to start their season 4-0.
Arizona is without a clear-cut starter at quarterback after losing last year’s incumbent, Matt Scott, to graduation. Likewise, the Wildcats possess a handful of questions in the receiving corps, having lost a trio of contributors (Dan Bucker to graduation, Austin Hill to an ACL tear, Tyler Slavin to voluntary departure) from the 2012 squad. The ‘Cats do return the nation’s leading rusher from a year ago in Kadeem Carey. But with the Huskies stacked to defend the run, Arizona will be forced to throw the ball if they intend to win on the road.
Coming off a lackluster matchup with Idaho State (sorry, Idaho State) the home atmosphere at Husky Stadium should be raucous enough to distract an unproven opposing offense. Despite last season’s setback, I’m giving this to the Dawgs.
Washington wins, 28-24.
Game 5: Washington at Stanford; Saturday, Oct. 5, TBA; Stanford Stadium, Palo Alto, Calif.
All good things must come to an end, and if Washington somehow manages to fulfill these prognostications and embark on a 4-0 outset to the year, they’ll likely see their victory march temporarily placed on hold in Palo Alto.
It’s not that Washington can’t beat Stanford — recent history tells us it’s very possible — it’s the combination of going on the road and playing a team that employs a style the Huskies have typically had trouble with that makes this a daunting task. Add to that the fact that when the Cardinal visited Seattle a year ago they were basically without a quarterback, placing the underwhelming Josh Nunes under center while current signal-caller Kevin Hogan marinated on the sidelines.
This is a different (i.e. better) Stanford team than the Huskies defeated in 2012. It’d be a hell of an upset if the Dawgs somehow managed to pull this one off.
Stanford wins, 42-21.
Game 6: Washington vs. Oregon; Saturday, Oct. 12, TBA; Husky Stadium, Seattle, Wash.
I hate Oregon. We all know this. Cheering against them every other year in our home venue is one of life’s greatest pleasures. And yet despite all the vitriol sure to be on display come Oct. 12th, the likelihood of Washington dethroning Oregon in what has become a very one-sided rivalry of late is slim, to say the least.
That said, every year I pick Washington to beat Oregon simply out of spite. And every year, time and again, I’m proven wrong. So this year I’m trying something new: the Reverse Jinx. I’m picking Oregon. And my hope is that I’m very, very wrong. I need the Huskies to win. Hence…
Oregon wins, 56-17.
Game 7: Washington at Arizona State; Saturday, Oct. 19, TBA; Sun Devil Stadium, Tempe, Ariz.
Traveling to the desert in the middle of fall is almost not fair. You’re asking college-aged males to leave their cold and dreary campus, where coeds exist within the bundled warmth of oversized sweaters and hooded raincoats, and hightail it down to a balmier climate where the ladies adorn themselves in little more than miniature jean shorts and lacy tank tops. Try maintaining your composure in that environment if you’re a 20-year-old young man trying to play football. It’s not easy. It might provide the Sun Devils with one of the best home field advantages in sports. Sure, loud noises can be distracting sometimes. But a stadium full of tanned legs and bountiful cleavage is distracting all the time. Thus, my excuse for why the Huskies will sadly not win in Tempe.
Arizona State wins, 35-28.
Game 8: Washington vs. California; Saturday, Oct. 26, TBA; Husky Stadium, Seattle, Wash.
Home games against California have all the appeal of early-season, non-conference matchups against the Idaho States of the world. It’s not that Cal is horrible, it’s just that…they’re boring. Nothing about Cal football screams exciting, from the players in uniform, to the style of play, to the fans wearing the gear. Win or lose, any contest versus the Golden Bears is quickly discarded from the memory bank within minutes of completion.
Can we just take this game as a forfeit? Is that possible? Will Cal forfeit and just let us have this one? C’mon, Cal.
Washington wins, 2-0.
Game 9: Washington vs. Colorado; Saturday, Nov. 9, TBA; Husky Stadium, Seattle, Wash.
The penultimate home contest of 2013 comes against the closest thing the Pac-12 has to a cupcake football program, the esteemed Colorado Buffaloes. The Buffs went 1-11 last year, and were it not for a one-point squeaker over the lowly Washington State Cougars — way to go, Cougs — Colorado would have been shut out of the win column entirely.
I don’t know who Colorado returns and I don’t really care. If Washington doesn’t win this game, you might as well cast Ben Affleck as the next Batman.
Washington wins, 79-3.
Game 10: Washington at UCLA; Friday, Nov. 15, TBA; Rose Bowl, Pasadena, Calif.
Traveling to the Rose Bowl on a short week after waltzing through Colorado just six days prior? I don’t like our chances. The Bruins are pretty damn good and you know Washington alum Jim Mora will want this game a bit more than any other. There’s hope, but it’s thinner than the ligaments in Robert Griffin’s knees.
UCLA wins, 38-27.
Game 11: Washington at Oregon State; Saturday, Nov. 23, TBA; Reser Stadium, Corvallis, Ore.
Ugh. Corvallis. What an ugly town. It might be a little prettier if we could win there, but alas we have trouble doing that. So instead Corvallis remains as a podunk outpost of whatever ugly metropolis exists nearby. I guess you could call it a remote outpost of Portland, but even that’s a stretch. Corvallis is like the Cle Elum of Oregon, assuming Cle Elum was overwrought by a feeling of sadness and despair.
Worse yet, every time I think of the equally dismal Reser Stadium, the image that comes to mind is of Jake Locker being carted off the field in an ambulance a few years back. Seriously. I can’t get that visual out of my head, which I’m sure brings a tiny hint of joy to the six or seven Beavers fans out there.
Anyway, do I hope we’ll win? Of course. Do I think we’ll win? Ehhhh.
Oregon State wins, 21-14.
Game 12: Washington vs. Washington State; Friday, Nov. 29, TBA; Husky Stadium, Seattle, Wash.
My biggest concern with regards to this year’s Apple Cup is injuries and general banged-uppedness (not a real word). Coming just six days after what is sure to be a physical contest at Oregon State, the Huskies could easily be without a few key components in our intrastate rivalry game. Health issues always raise question marks in any contest, but when you’re dealing with your regular-season finale against the arch-rival, well, it’s a little frightening.
But vengeance is one hell of a motivational tool. And the Huskies are sure to come into this matchup with revenge on their minds after last year’s debacle in Pullman. Mike Leach’s Cougars are likely to be a tougher squad then they were a season ago, however, and in spite of the advantage of a home crowd, the Dawgs will still be surrounded by the thousands of Coug fans who will enjoy our new stadium for a day.
Still, this is a game we cannot lose. There’s a very good chance the Huskies enter this contest with a 6-5 record, meaning an Apple Cup loss would put them in line for yet another seven-win season, assuming a victory in their bowl game. That cannot happen. The hope is that Washington will steal at least one or two road games they’re projected to lose (at Stanford, Arizona State, UCLA, or Oregon State) and possibly upset in the one home game they could lose (versus Oregon). If that doesn’t happen, though, this team is 6-5 entering their rivalry game. They absolutely must win the 2013 Apple Cup, no question about it.
Washington wins, 42-28.
So there you have it. I’m projecting a very conservative 7-5 regular season, which means that to improve upon the last couple years, Washington will need to win a bowl game and finish 8-5. Is 8-5 good enough? Who knows. But it may be the most likely outcome of the 2013 season based on what we know about these Huskies.
Don’t take my word for it, though. I just make these things up on the fly. If all of these projections amount to a pile of crap, I will feel no remorse whatsoever. And you’ll feel like a fool for reading this. I understand what it all entails. So there’s my disclaimer. I would have put it at the beginning but then you would have gone back to doing whatever it is you usually do on the internet. Play Candy Crush, look at porn, destroy your own fantasy teams. Really, the educational value in all those time-killers is probably right on par with this article. But at least we all now know that Boise is not a state. Geography. The more you know.