It’s that time of year again. Dance time. Formerly “Bigger” Dance time. But then some blowhard decided “Bigger Dance” was too close to “Big Dance” for the comfort of some asshole’s lawyer, so here we are with “The Dance.” As if this is like the shindig of the year at a local high school or something.
Anyway, enough about that. You need to fill out a Dance bracket and you’re looking for some help. That’s where I come in. I’m not an expert, but I do pride myself on being judgmental. As we’ve done here in the past, we’ll go through every single Dance matchup and give you a winner. From Game 1 to Game 64.
Right about now if you either a) need to fill out your Dance bracket at Sports Radio KJR or b) are just plain confused as to what all this is really about, please click here and achieve both a) and/or b). If you’d also like to join the SSN Dance pool, please navigate here and enter the following:
Pool Number: 678
To your left you’ll see a picture of a beautiful woman. That’s Lucy Pinder. She won this competition last year. There will be more pictures of beautiful women as you scroll down. Enjoy that. Maybe don’t read this at work, but enjoy it nonetheless. Without further ado…
Region 1: Chelada
Sofia Vergara vs. Alicia Keys
Just the other day I happened to be watching BET (they show reruns of Family Matters in the afternoon, in case you were wondering why) when I caught a showing of the movie Soul Plane. I’d never seen Soul Plane before, but wouldn’t you know it, one of the flight attendants for NWA Airlines was played by Sofia Vergara. So not only has she captured the Latino vote (naturally) and the white vote (Modern Family), but she also has the black vote. Even Alicia Keys isn’t that omnipresent. Winner: Vergara.
Taylor Swift vs. Olivia Munn
The longer Taylor Swift stays relevant, the more annoying she becomes. She’s 23 years old now and still composing whiny ballads professing teenage angst. What does she even know about teenagers anymore? Did she recently date a teenager who broke up with her? I assume that must be it. Winner: Munn.
Amanda Seyfried vs. Erin Andrews
Erin Andrews. My Belmont. Every year, I hitch my wagon, driven by my foolish heart, to Erin Andrews. I do the same thing during the NCAA Tournament with the Belmont Bruins. More often than not, I am left disappointed and brokenhearted when both the Bruins and Andrews lose. But this year, despite Belmont’s early exit from the Big Dance, I have faith in Erin. She’s facing Amanda Seyfried, who is not so much hot as she is kinda weird looking. Winner: Andrews.
Megan Fox vs. Arianny Celeste
In my opinion, Arianny Celeste is much hotter than Megan Fox. She’s got bronzer skin, a better physique, and has been known to dabble in MMA. That’s pretty fantastic. Alas, few people know who Celeste is, and as we all know, this tournament is all about name recognition. Hence, we have to side with the former Queen of the Hardwood. Winner: Fox.
Stacy Keibler vs. Natalie Portman
I’ve always liked Stacy Keibler, mostly because her last name sounds exactly like “Keebler,” which reminds me of cookies. I love cookies. Any woman that arouses a litany of my senses simply by existing is a woman I can appreciate. Winner: Keibler.
Rosie Huntington-Whitely vs. Kate Upton
Not only is this supposed to be Kate Upton’s year to win it all, she kicks off her championship run by taking on an opponent with a hyphenated last name. The legacy of sports greats with hyphenated surnames is neither long nor impressive. One of the aces of the hyphenated-last-name staff would be Ryan Rowland-Smith. He’d be an ace. If that’s not an indication of how bad the All-Hyphen squad might possibly be, I don’t know what is. Winner: Upton.
Miranda Kerr vs. Marisa Miller
I’m just not a huge fan of Miranda Kerr. She’s basically Steve Kerr. Winner: Miller.
Katy Perry vs. Rihanna
Nobody really likes Rihanna. She bounces from dude to Chris Brown to dude to Chris Brown to another dude, then back to Chris Brown. Basically, all roads lead to Chris Brown. Why does she keep going back to Chris Brown? No one really knows. But it bugs us, nonetheless. Meanwhile, Katy Perry set aside time within the past year to
break up with longtime boyfriend divorce husband (credit to Ashley Ryan for the update — who knew those two had gotten married?) Russell Brand. She hasn’t gone back to him. Good for her. He sucks. Winner: Perry.
Region 2: Bud Light
Irina Shayk vs. Emma Stone
A recent commercial for Revlon informs me that Emma Stone’s voice is raspy because she spent the first six months of her life screaming. God bless her parents for not strangling her. But that’s not gonna be enough to knock off a one-time Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue cover model. Sorry, Emma. Winner: Shayk.
Sara Jean Underwood vs. Keeley Hazell
This is a battle of pinups. Outside of getting naked in magazines (and in Hazell’s case, starring in a homemade porno), I’m not sure either of these two ladies has a real job. That said, they’re both really good at whatever it is they do, which I guess is just be. They are. They exist. And our world is better because of it. Every matchup needs a winner and a loser, however. Hazell’s a perennial Final Four (excuse me, Last Four) participant, and her boobs are huge. So… Winner: Hazell.
Scarlett Johansson vs. Hayden Panettiere
Hayden Panettiere was really relevant for awhile. Those days are behind her now. Scarlett Johansson, on the other hand, just keeps on keepin’ on. She’s an Avenger for God’s sake. An Avenger! Winner: Johansson.
Emily Blunt vs. Kaley Cuoco
When it comes to sexy famous people, Emily Blunt is really, really…average. About fifty-percent of the time you see her and think, “Okay, I’d hit that.” The other half the time your reaction is more along the lines of, “Eh.” She’s extremely tolerable. That’s about the nicest compliment I can give her. Kaley Cuoco, though? Kaley Cuoco is smokin’ hot. Winner: Cuoco.
Holly Sonders vs. Charlize Theron
Holly Sonders is famous for being on the Golf Channel, so chances are you’ve napped through everything she’s ever done. Charlize Theron? She’s a veteran hottie. She’s the Kevin Willis of this tournament. She may not have a great first step or be particularly explosive, but damn it, she flat-out gets the job done. She’ll throw a few elbows in the paint and Euro-step the hell out of her much younger, sprier opponent. On paper, Theron looks beatable. In reality, she’s playing for keeps. Winner: Theron.
Jennifer Lawrence vs. Anne Hathaway
This has to be the greatest time ever in the history of Jennifer Lawrence. Ever since The Hunger Games, the 22-year-old actress has been on a Jennifer Lawrence world tour, taking Jennifer Lawrence to every city on the map that craves itself some Jennifer Lawrence. She deserves this. She once had a supporting role on The Bill Engvall Show. They say you have to go through hell to get to heaven. Prime example, Jennifer Lawrence. Winner: Lawrence.
Mila Kunis vs. Maria Sharapova
I saw a picture of Mila Kunis without makeup while on a walk with boyfriend (ugh) Ashton Kutcher. It made me cringe. But then I saw Mila Kunis in a movie. It made me semi-aroused. Mila Kunis is basically Red Bull. There are some things about Red Bull that we all know are bad. But when we’re sitting there sipping from that little blue can, we really couldn’t care less about all those bad things. Mila Kunis inspires feeling and emotion. Maria Sharapova? I have no opinion on her. Winner: Kunis.
Beyonce vs. Blake Lively
Beyonce could be really hot. She should be really hot. Every woman envies her. Every man sees her in a catsuit and immediately perks up. The problem with Beyonce is that no matter how physically attractive she may be, she’s married to a rather normal-looking dude who happens to be one of the most famous music moguls on earth. She is so damn settled into that marriage that she’s lost all her zest, all her appeal, all her mystique. She’s a committed wife, which is great. But she’s unattainable, and that ruins it for us. So there you have it. Winner: Lively.
Region 3: Bud Light Lime
Minka Kelly vs. Ashley Greene
If Minka Kelly’s first name wasn’t Minka, she’d be Ashley Greene’s equal. Lucky for her, “Minka” is really fun to say out loud. Minka. MINK-uh. Minka. Winner: Kelly.
Olivia Wilde vs. Danica Patrick
Each time I see Olivia Wilde on a screen, she’s seemingly gotten hotter than the last time I saw her. I just watched The Incredible Burt Wonderstone a few weeks ago (not any better than a rental, in my opinion) and she looked amazing in her role as Steve Carell’s assistant-slash-love-interest. Each time I see Danica Patrick, she’s usually just talking about car racing and being short. That’s not as much fun. Winner: Wilde.
Kate Middleton vs. Julianne Hough
Julianne Hough is the David Duval of female celebrities. There are times when you forget she ever existed at all, and then when you remember, you just shrug your shoulders and move on with life. Winner: Middleton.
Lucy Pinder vs. Alex Morgan
It’s almost not fair. Alex Morgan is very, very cute. She’s athletic and sporty and seems like a lot of fun. She’s also roughly the size of Lucy Pinder’s right breast. Lucy Pinder’s entire chest is very nearly twice the woman that Alex Morgan is. Like I said, not fair. Winner: Pinder.
Zooey Deschanel vs. Manti Te’o’s Girlfriend
I really don’t like Zooey Deschanel. I find her absolutely insufferable. She isn’t funny so much as she is irritating. Her talents are not talents at all, but blown-up mannerisms of a child with A.D.D. Why people like her is beyond me. Despite all that, Lennay Kekua jokes have gone the way of Gangnam Style, achieving a certain level of cliche in record-breaking time. I’m banking on the hope that voters are as sick of Te’o’s Girlfriend cracks as I am. When it comes to the lesser of two evils, one real, one nothing more than a hoax, I’ll take the living over the imaginary. Winner: Deschanel.
Jessica Alba vs. Paulina Gretzky
Outside of being The Great One’s daughter, I don’t really know why Paulina Gretzky is famous. The internet labels her a pop singer (?), but I’ve never heard one of her songs. On the contrary, we all know why Jessica Alba’s famous. Honey, obviously. Winner: Alba.
Katherine Webb vs. Emma Watson
Emma Watson hit her peak around age 16. Katherine Webb hit her peak around…well, now. It’s about momentum, getting hot at the right time. Thank you, Brent Musberger. Winner: Webb.
Gisele Bundchen vs. Jennifer Aniston
I’ve always liked Gisele Bundchen because it’s easy to mispronounce her name as “JIZZ-uhl.” Jizzuhl, Jizzuhl, Jizzuhl. Say it five times fast and try not to snicker. Winner: Bundchen.
Region 4: Bud Light Platinum
Eva Mendes vs. Alessandra Ambrosio
Eva Mendes is supposedly dating Ryan Gosling these days. If they have a daughter together, that kid is gonna grow up to be the hottest woman on the face of the earth. Winner: Mendes.
Vanessa Hudgens vs. Jessica Biel
How does Vanessa Hudgens find herself in this tournament? She’s hot in a jailbait sort of way, I suppose. But her biggest claim to fame is maintaining a romance with Zac Efron back when he, too, was still relevant. If any team snuck into this tourney with a losing record, it’s Hudgens. Winner: Biel.
Katherine McPhee vs. Adriana Lima
Katherine McPhee. Haven’t heard that name in a while. I’m sure she’s a really nice person. But have you seen Adriana Lima?! Winner: Lima.
Bar Refaeli vs. Elizabeth Banks
Elizabeth Banks is cool. She seems cool at least. But Bar Refaeli is sexy. Bar is the Veronica to Banks’ Betty. Why did Archie Andrews always long for Veronica but settle for Betty? Because you’ll settle for cool when you can’t get sex. Winner: Refaeli.
Elin Nordegren vs. Lindsey Vonn
Tiger Woods’ former partner versus his current partner. It’s been nearly four years and we still feel bad for Elin. Four years! Lindsey Vonn is currently crippled and we still have more sympathy for a woman who won’t have to work for the rest of her life thanks to a high-paying divorce. We love Elin because of everything she went through with that cheating bastard golfer (a cheating bastard golfer who we still really like, mind you). Lindsey Vonn doesn’t stand a chance. She’s the other woman. By default. Winner: Nordegren.
Brooklyn Decker vs. Emilia Clarke
I don’t even know who Emilia Clarke is. Winner: Decker.
Carrie Underwood vs. Kristen Bell
Remember that scene in Forgetting Sarah Marshall when the title character, played by Bell, confesses her worry over becoming obsolete in her acting career? It’s crazy how life imitates art sometimes. Winner: Underwood.
Rachel McAdams vs. Vanessa Minillo
Vanessa Minillo? Is it 2003? She’s not even Vanessa Minillo anymore. She’s Vanessa Lachey, as in Nick’s wife. We don’t even know her name! Winner: McAdams.
ROUND OF 32
Sofia Vergara vs. Olivia Munn
Sofia Vergara has more curves than a California coastal highway. We’d all like to ride along that road. Winner: Vergara.
Erin Andrews vs. Megan Fox
I want to believe in Erin Andrews. So badly. But Megan Fox? Megan Fox?! Urrrrrrrrrgggggggg….. Winner: Fox.
Stacy Keibler vs. Kate Upton
All those Keebler cookies slowing her down. Upton’s so good. So good. Winner: Upton.
Marisa Miller vs. Katy Perry
If this was a singing competition, Katy Perry would win. It is not that, however. Winner: Miller.
Irina Shayk vs. Keeley Hazell
Keeley Hazell’s got that strong frontcourt. Gonna be tough to compete with that. Winner: Hazell.
Scarlett Johansson vs. Kaley Cuoco
Kaley Cuoco. The girl-next-door hottie. It’s dangerous to side with the girl-next-door types. But I’ve got a good feeling about this one. Winner: Cuoco.
Charlize Theron vs. Jennifer Lawrence
The Jennifer Lawrence World Tour rolls on. Winner: Lawrence
Mila Kunis vs. Blake Lively
In Japan, they’ll celebrate the triumph of Brake Rivery. Winner: Lively.
Minka Kelly vs. Olivia Wilde
People really, really like saying Minka Kelly’s first name. Never underestimate that on the phone lines. Winner: Kelly.
Kate Middleton vs. Lucy Pinder
Battle of the Brits. Pinder’s your defending champ. Easy choice. Winner: Pinder.
Zooey Deschanel vs. Jessica Alba
The end of the insufferable New Girl. Winner: Alba.
Katherine Webb vs. Gisele Bundchen
Mrs. A.J. McCarron vs. Mrs. Tom Brady. If this were a battle between their quarterback other-halves, we’d all know who would triumph. Should see a similar result between the Misses’. Winner: Bundchen.
Eva Mendes vs. Jessica Biel
Mrs. Ryan Gosling (du jour) vs. Mrs. Justin Timberlake. Can’t wait to get you on the floor, good lookin’. Winner: Biel.
Adriana Lima vs. Bar Refaeli
Callers are lazy. They’d prefer a one-syllable name (Bar) over a two- or four-syllable one (Adriana Lima). Winner: Refaeli.
Elin Nordegren vs. Brooklyn Decker
It’s amazing that Brooklyn Decker is still married to Andy Roddick. On the other hand, Elin Nordegren is single. Life is funny sometimes. Winner: Decker.
Carrie Underwood vs. Rachel McAdams
Carrie Underwood. America’s sweetheart. Winner: Underwood.
Sofia Vergara is like a hotter, sultrier, less tainted Megan Fox. Winner: Vergara.
Kate Upton vs. Marisa Miller
Marisa Miller was the beta version to Kate Upton’s two-point-oh. Winner: Upton
Keeley Hazell vs. Kaley Cuoco
Keeley. Kaley. Keeley. Kaley. You say it enough times and it’s like this mishmash of awesomeness. The road to the Final (Last) Four goes through Hazell. Winner: Hazell.
Jennifer Lawrence vs. Blake Lively
Blake Lively is exponentially hotter than Jennifer Lawrence. The clock strikes midnight on Cinderella. Winner: Lively.
Minka Kelly vs. Lucy Pinder
Lucy Pinder is a defending champion. Winner: Pinder.
Jessica Alba vs. Gisele Bundchen
Remember when Jessica Alba used to win this thing every year? Then she stopped making movies, became a mom, and now? Now she’s losing games to Gisele Bundchen. Winner: Bundchen.
Jessica Biel vs. Bar Refaeli
I love Jessica Biel. I’ve been enamored with her ever since she rebelled as a 7th Heaven cast member and decided to get naked for some magazine I’d never heard of. God bless the man or woman who took those photos. They were fantastic. Winner: Biel.
Brooklyn Decker vs. Carrie Underwood
I don’t even really like country music. Winner: Decker.
Sofia Vergara vs. Kate Upton
This matchup could bring about a cease fire if ever we waged war on Mexico. Winner: Upton.
Keeley Hazell vs. Blake Lively
Keeley Hazell has really big boobs. Winner: Hazell.
Lucy Pinder vs. Gisele Bundchen
Lucy Pinder has really big boobs. Winner: Pinder
Jessica Biel vs. Brooklyn Decker
If I missed on this pick and Jessica Biel went on to win the whole thing, I’d be okay with that. It’d be like going to a game today and witnessing a Raul Ibanez home run, a Matt Hasselbeck touchdown pass, a Marcus Trufant pick-six. It’d be a tip of the cap to another era. And it would be fantastic. So let’s hope if I screw this one up, Biel just blows everyone out of the water and takes home the crown. Winner: Decker.
FINAL (LAST) FOUR
Kate Upton vs. Keeley Hazell
This is Upton’s year. Winner: Upton.
Lucy Pinder vs. Brooklyn Decker
It’s like the Bullets versus the Sonics in ’79. Lucy Pinder, the Bullets, took home the title last year. But this year… Winner: Pinder.
Kate Upton vs. Lucy Pinder
And your 2013 Queen of the Hardwood is…Kate Upton!