The Stupid Mayans Were Wrong: Welcome to 2013

mayan-hootDamn it. It’s 5:15 p.m. on January 2nd. Do you know what this means? It means all the goddamn gyms are about to fill up with a bunch of goddamn people who are committed to no more than three solid weeks of exercise before putting it all to rest for the next 341 days of the year. That’s what anyone who’s about to head to the gym has to look forward to.

Wouldn’t you know it, I’m about to go to the gym right now. And when I get there, it will be a circus. I already know this. And I’m still going. In hopes that all those usually-unmotivated-but-currently-motivated jerks who ooze around the weight room this time of year don’t show up. I will likely be disappointed. Such is life. A college-aged girl on Twitter would slap this entire rant with a big ol’ #FIRSTWORLDPROBLEMS hashtag. But that’s only semi-accurate. If the second- or third-world had to experience this crap, they’d be pissed, too. You’ve been eating McDonald’s for three decades and you’re gonna try to make up for all that by reading a magazine while you crawl on the elliptical for seven minutes? Good luck with that shit. The secret is Diet Coke, you know. Pick up six cheeseburgers and a Diet Coke and you’re good to go. Healthy eating right there. And sugar free gum. No more Bazooka. That what’s been causing all your problems. Bubble gum and orange soda.

Be honest. How many of you mailed it in in 2012 thinking the Mayans were right and the world really was going to end? Every time you were faced with a bad decision, you jokingly uttered the “It’s cool! The world’s ending soon, anyway!” caveat and everything was okay. I know. I did it, too. I feel like 2012 was the year we let it all go. I put on a little weight, I didn’t work out as often as I’d like, I wrote one article a week (maybe), I abused the crap out of Twitter…all told, it was a disaster. And I wager I’m not alone in having lived that disaster.

For most of us, 2012 was like watching an episode of Dance Moms. You spent most of your time sitting there thinking, This is dumb, I shouldn’t be doing this. And yet somehow, against all rationality, you managed to get sucked into the stupidity of it all, knowing nothing good would come of your actions, yet letting yourself be swayed anyway. We wallowed through an entire year knowing we’d likely have to pay for our laziness so long as the world didn’t end. Our out was the world ending! How is that an out? That should never be an out! I blame the Mayans. They cost us a year. Effing Mayans. Who would have thought an ancient civilization could be wrong like that?

So this is it. The latest rendition of the new year. 2013. The rebound year. The year we atone for all of 2012’s miscues. I’m good with that. I anxiously await the challenge of actually having to follow through on stuff because the world will (knock on wood) not be ending anytime soon. We might as well enjoy our time together.

You know, a lot of people like to start off each new year with predictions. They like to take wild stabs at a handful of things that might happen over the next 12 months. The Mariners might make the playoffs. The Seahawks might find their way to a Super Bowl. The Sonics might make their long-awaited return to their rightful place on the map. I certainly hope all those things happen. But I’m not about to predict their occurrence. Predictions are overrated. You’re setting yourself up for failure with predictions. And there was enough failure in 2012 to last us quite a while. Let’s not start down that rabbit hole again.

Instead, I’ll simply say this.

I hope 2013 gives us more positive local sports stories to discuss. Because 2012, for the most part, was a cesspool. Outside of the final couple months of the year, when our football teams delivered brighter talking points, anyone opining on Seattle sports spent most of the year vomiting out the same drivel each time they put fingers to keypads. Nobody wants that. Yeah, it’s fun to make jokes about Chone Figgins and the like, but only in a cruel, sadistic way. We’d all rather laugh at another city’s expense. We haven’t been able to do that much over the years. So I hope this is the year.

And with that hope in mind, I eagerly await all the passion that each and every one of you bring to the table as fans. Win or lose, it’s always great interacting with all of you. I know for me, that passion has always served as a huge motivator to write. Without the exuberance so many of you share, I would have a tough time leading myself to a text editor with any kind of regularity. Keep it up. It’s fun to be a part of, and you all deserve to be heard. Your voice is crucial in making the Seattle sports scene as venerable as it is.

With that, I encourage all of you to insert your own cliche about this being a new beginning or a fresh start or something like that in the space below. Here’s the space:


That was great. I’m glad we got to experience that together. This is an interactive article now. We’re ahead of the curve here at Seattle Sportsnet!

Cliches aside, I’m looking forward to another year with you crazy fools. Best of luck at the gym over the next few weeks, and thanks for surviving 2012 with me.



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