49ers Fans are Idiots – Stoking a Rivalry Four Hours Before Kickoff


Sports-hate is an amazing thing. It absolves us of a lot. As sports fans, we can say a whole lot a nasty stuff to each other. Terrible things. But it’s okay, because it’s just sports, and we don’t really mean it. We can kind of say whatever we want, and we can just pass it off as sports-hate. We don’t really mean it when we say we hate each other. Right? I hope so. No one should really mean those mean things.

But man, we love to sports-hate each other. It feeds rivalries, and makes the games more fun. It goes something like this:

Your team sucks! Our team is amazing! You guys are stupid! We have brilliant football minds! Your women are disgusting! Ours are super sexy! Wait, let’s compare pictures.

Gaw, we hate you guys!!

And on and on. Fun, right? I know. Let’s proceed. Without further ado,

Hey, 49ers fans, you guys are IDIOTS!

I learned late this week there are still some of you, broadcasters included, who think the noise at Century Link Field is somehow fabricated. That Seahawks fans couldn’t possibly be that loud. We “pump in noise.” I guess noise can be “pumped.”

We’ve heard this racket a million times before. It’s annoying, but kind of awesome. And yet it persists. It tends to come up as an excuse for opponents before, during, and after games. It’s like the ultimate sign of disrespect and the ultimate sign of respect at the same time. So, thanks, I guess. Idiots.

But I’m going to go ahead and be up front about this, for you, morons. Might as well lay it all out there so we are clear. Let’s see if you can comprehend some of this, because we know you’re too dumb to pick up on all of it. Maybe it’s a bit too sophisticated. That’s okay.

First of all, our stadium was built with acoustics in mind. So, yeah, our noise is amplified. Naturally. By way of architecture. Because Paul Allen is smarter than you. Make sense? Oh sorry. How about, “Big building. Make loud!”

Let’s move on to the game day experience. Seahawks fans are just plain loud. It rains here, a lot. We don’t get out much. This is just our thing. We crawl out of our little mossy hobbit dens every Sunday, and unleash our pent-up angst on the world.

While the opposing offense huddles, we are working ourselves into a vocal lather, our chorus of screeching and howling crescendos. When the offense breaks their huddle, it is at our mercy, our voices reaching a deafening, fearsome fury as the quarterback lines up under center.

This is our process. No speakers. No “pumping.” Just us, raining down doom on your team.

It’s awesome. You should try it sometime.

Oh, and are you familiar with what happened here?

Yeah, that was Marshawn Lynch rumbling 67 yards in one of the most spectacular plays in recent NFL history. A legendary celebration ensued, which happened to register on the Richter scale, deep in the catacombs of Seattle.

You should’a been there.

Was it from invisible pumping speakers, hovering above the field? Probably not. That was the reverberations of 67,000 howling ‘Hawk fans jumping up and down on concrete, stomping out the soul of our opponent.

That’s evidently what we do during big games at the Clink. We stomp out souls and cause seismic activity. We are human geological weapons.

And that was against the New Orleans Saints. We don’t even sports-hate them. They are actually kind of charming, to be honest. It’s Drew Brees, after all. Kinda cuddly.

But you guys? My goodness, we sports-hate you like the dickens. So much. Your coach is a no-fun, pissed-off, constipated man who looks and smells like the rat he is.

You know what? We sports-hate you so much I might be willing to push it a step further. We don’t not real-life hate you. Really, it could go either way. So think earnestly about that while the Seahawks are dismantling your precious Niners today, and we’re jumping and shouting about how horrible your team is, and how fun it is to watch them whine and squirm about how unfair it is that it’s so LOUD. “Mommy, I can’t hear anything!!” Idiots.

Enjoy tonight, you dirty, know-nothing, football-sucking jerks.


Seahawks fans

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