You sick, sick bastard. You’re not a fan. You’re more than a fan. In your own mind, at least. To the rest of us, you straddle the line separating sanity from lunacy. You probably shouldn’t be allowed near a computer. It might not be a good idea for you to interact with other human beings, or even set foot outside your house. Yet you keep perpetuating your craziness on anyone who will give you half a second of their time. You’re a danger to society. But you don’t see that at all.
It’s time someone clued you in to your manic nature of insane proportions. You need help. We can’t get you that help you need, but we can at least present you with a few warning signs. If you suffer from any of the following symptoms, seek medical attention immediately. Don’t wait another day. You might kill someone, and in this country, that’s against the law. Do not be that guy that kills someone. No one wants that.
Anyway, without further ado, here are five ways to tell if you’re a certified nut job or not…
1. You texted a recruit.
You crazy f**king a-hole. You should NEVER be texting recruits! You should not know their phone numbers! You should not be texting ANY teenagers! You should not be making ANY contact with them WHATSOEVER! You are an adult. They are kids. Kids and adults live in separate worlds and frankly, things are better that way. Don’t be talking to kids unless they’re your own. Don’t be talking to kids recreationally. Matter of fact, don’t talk to kids at all.
Remember when you were a kid? Did weird, old people ever talk to you? How did that make you feel? Uncomfortable, perhaps? Yeah, well, I guarantee you that’s how your texted recruit feels. So let’s go ahead and just leave his ass alone.
Think of kids as a hot stove top. You touch the hot stove top, you will get burned. Do NOT touch the hot stove top. Got it? Probably not, but whatever, let’s move on.
2. You asked an athlete for a Retweet on Twitter.
In business, it’s always a good idea to consider your end goals before you pursue a project. What’s the goal here? What are we trying to accomplish? How will things get better by undertaking this task?
So I ask you, crazy person, what is your end goal in asking an athlete to Retweet you? Don’t think too hard, because there IS NO END GOAL! Really. I’m sorry to break the news to you so harshly.
First of all, your end goal in doing ANYTHING Twitter-related is to get an ego boost. It is. It’s the same goal for all of us, so don’t try to deny it. I’m not denying it, and neither should you. And why do you need that ego boost? You need that ego boost to feel better about yourself so you can project confidence unto those people you want to have sex with, so that in the end YOU CAN GET LAID. That’s the ULTIMATE end goal. We all want to get laid. And it’s not just that we want to get laid, it’s that we want to get laid by people we’re actually attracted to. To attain an attractive person, we need to be confident. And to be confident, we need a reasonable dose of ego boosts. That’s where Twitter comes in, and that’s where you asking for an athlete to Retweet you seems like a good idea.
Problem is, NO ONE has ever gotten laid because they were Retweeted by an athlete. No one. No-bo-dy. I promise you that. Your pickup lines should never consist of, “Sup, girl. I got Retweeted by Drew Brees today. You wanna go out?” You are a clown. You’re doing it all wrong. Getting Retweets from celebrities of any sort impresses nobody but you. And not only does it not impress anyone, but it certainly won’t help you get any closer to fornication.
So again, I urge you consider your end goals before doing anything at all. Especially when it comes to Twitter and athletes.
3. You got in a fight with other fans on Facebook.
Fighting accomplishes very little. Fighting on the internet accomplishes even less.
Trust me, no one has ever walked away from a Facebook altercation impressed by their opponent. “Boy, that dude I attacked with knowledge and insults on Facebook today, he sure was spot-on in his argument.” That phrase has never been uttered or printed until now. If it ever gets uttered or printed again, I call plagiarism and demand thousands and thousands of dollars in damages.
It seems as if sports fans (along with political aficianados and viewers of such reality shows as American Idol, et al) have a perennial knack for submerging themselves in the world of the Facebook quarrel. Should you ever find yourself in this type of situation, I suggest you either walk away as quickly as you can, or simply punch yourself in the testicles until you can no longer have kids. Because God forbid you ever procreate.
Fact is, you have better things to do than fight people on Facebook. We all do. Go do whatever it is you feel might be better than being an internet tough guy. Unless that thing you want to do happens to be on this list. In which case, keep searching for alternatives until you land upon something that isn’t on this list. Or maybe just keep punching yourself in the testicles.
4. You had sex with a player solely because he or she plays for your favorite team.
For the most part, this applies to women. You won’t find too many dudes banging WNBA All-Stars, for instance. For that matter, you won’t find too many WNBA All-Stars who want to bang dudes. So we’ll gear this item on the list towards the females, and if anyone has a problem with that, consider that the other 80-percent of this article is almost entirely written for men. There you go.
Let me tell you a quick story. I know of this girl who goes to Mariners games not just because she loves baseball, but also because she loves the idea of hitting home runs with the team, if you get my drift. She wants to have sex with anyone in the hometown nine’s uniform, and she really doesn’t care which ballplayer is willing to give it up. Future Hall of Famer, journeyman vet, fresh-off-the-farm rookie? They’re all the same to her. If they have a penis she can stick between her loins, it’s all good.
Now, I’m not going to call this girl a “slut,” as many people might, because I truly feel that a woman can have sex with whomever she wants to provided it gives her a positive feeling. That’s not being slutty. That’s just living up to human desire. There’s no problem with that.
Where there is a problem, though, is when sex is carried out solely because of a logo. You are having sex with someone because of a logo. That’s not normal. Would you hump the golden arches? Would you fellate the Nike Swoosh? Hell no, you wouldn’t! So why are you screwing people just because they don that emblem of your favorite sports team? That’s crazy. Stop it. Just stop. You effing weirdo. Before you get some undiagnosed form of pine-tar-induced herpes. Yuck.
5. You spend most of your energy lamenting any and all negativity surrounding your favorite team.
I like to think of myself as a fairly positive person. I wake up groggy and semi-grumpy, but once I’ve taken a shower and had caffeine, I become much more approachable. Throughout a typical day, I engage with a variety of people and carry out normal conversations. I laugh a lot. I smile a lot. I don’t fake or sugarcoat my emotions. I try to be real. And when I go to bed at night, I feel decently about what the next day brings with it.
That’s me in a nutshell. I realize I’m not like everyone else, but I also know that life tends to lose its meaning if you can’t lead a generally happy existence. Which is why I don’t let the occasional — or in Seattle’s case, frequent — ineptitude of my favorite sports teams get to me.
There are many of you out there, however, who do find yourselves extremely burdened by the play of your preferred ballclub. And while it’s healthy to feel down immediately after a loss (or on the flip side, high after a win), it’s not nearly as healthy to find yourself constantly upset over the shit that your team may be going through.
For example, if your team loses a game they were supposed to lose, your immediate reaction shouldn’t be one of doom and gloom. Yeah, you can be disappointed. But you move on from that disappointment. And you focus your energy on more positive things in your life. Such as relationships. Or hobbies. Or really, anything else at all. For the love of God, if you find yourself in a situation where you’re constantly lamenting losses to an unhealthy degree, just get an alternative hobby. Or a friend. Or a pet. Hug somebody. Be nice to someone. Give to charity. Do anything. Don’t just sit there dwelling on a crappy outcome. There is nothing healthy about that.
All I’m saying is, don’t be a Negative Nancy. When you’re on your deathbed, you’re not going to care whether your favorite team won or lost that day. You’ll care about the people in your life who you loved. You’ll care about all the memories you’ve crafted over the years. You’ll care about the things you did, and the moments you shared with others. You’ll care about the important stuff. So why waste your time sweating the small stuff now? You’re being crazy. Yes, crazy. Relax, and enjoy the ride.