Most people might pen a preview article objectively and with a keen eye on such things as statistics, player bios, and other stuff I really don’t care about. You want a bio? Keith Price is the greatest quarterback in the land and a future Heisman Trophy winner. Boom. Bio. There you go. Bishop Sankey committed to Washington State before decommitting, then finding his way into Washington’s backfield. That’s freakin’ awesome, and frankly, kind of hilarious. There’s another bio. How about one more? Our defensive line coach, Tosh Lupoi? He may not own a boat, but he pulls in teenage athletes like a big-breasted, blonde-haired sorority sister. We can all appreciate that. Three bios for you. That’s three more than I was planning on writing.
So yeah. Bios? No, I don’t really do that. Stats? Eh. Stats require research, plus does anyone outside of East Asia actually process numbers? You could read a piece of paper a hundred times and you might remember words like “big-breasted, blonde-haired sorority sister,” for example, but this number right here — 156,929 — will be forgotten. And don’t look into that number at all. It has zero significance. I just pulled it out of my ass. It’s the most insignificant number I could think of. Completely worthless. Oh, wait, hold on. Upon further review, it’s actually the population of Eugene, Oregon. My bad. My bad, everyone!
You already forgot that number. Don’t lie. You remember the joke but not the number. Yeah, you could just direct your eyes back to the number, but that’s cheating and you know it. Don’t be like USC. Don’t cheat.
The moral here? Numbers suck. Forget numbers. Let’s talk about the reality of the football team, instead.
The 2012 Huskies, they excite me. I’m excited by this team. And yeah, I get it. There are question marks here and there: the defense as a whole, the offensive line, the running game, special teams, blah, blah, blah. Focusing on the negative is no fun. We know there are areas for improvement on this ballclub. Chances are, we’ll dissect those areas all season long. So for now, while we’re undefeated, let’s turn our attention to the positive. Because I, for one, am optimistic. And you should be too. Why? Three words: Keith Motherf**king Price.
Keith Price is a demigod. He’s truly becoming KP4H. Two years ago, when I joked about Price one day winning the Heisman, I never thought he’d actually insert himself into the conversation. Price is on watch lists now. He’s mentioned in the same breath as the top quarterbacks in America. And here he is, as a redshirt junior, coming off one of the greatest seasons any Washington signal-caller has ever produced.
No matter what Keith does from here on out, I will always remember being in the building to witness his performance in the 2011 Alamo Bowl. Absolutely amazing. Even in defeat, there is no denying that what I watched that night was one of the greatest — if not the greatest — football games I will ever see. And spearheading that greatness was none other than Price, who threw for four touchdowns and ran for three more, amassing 438 passing yards in the process, and nearly out-dueling his Baylor counterpart, Robert Griffin The Third (I like to write it out phonetically).
Despite the fact that his defense couldn’t hold off Baylor’s equally-potent offense, Price was magical that evening. Every Husky fan that walked out of the AlamoDome afterwards, disappointed as they were in the contest’s outcome, knew that Washington’s quarterback had not only left an indelible mark on the 2011 season, but had set the stage for an even better 2012.
This is where we find ourselves now. Yes, we’ve lost Chris Polk to the NFL. Sure, we graduated Jermaine Kearse and Devin Aguilar to their own professional careers. But who do we still have? We have No. 17. We have Keith Price. We’re poised for something special. Because our quarterback is that fantastic. You can point fingers at the O-line, if you wish. You can lament about the much-maligned — though much-improved — defense, if you must. And you can point at the schedule, as tough as it comes, and shake your head. None of it matters. We know — I know, you know, everyone knows — that our quarterback is among the game’s elite. And elite quarterbacks win ballgames, plain and simple. So without further ado, let’s take a look at how each game will play out for our Dawgs. Because, well, why the heck not.
Game No. 1: Washington vs. San Diego State, September 1, 2012 – WIN
I didn’t know San Diego State played other colleges. I had heard they fielded a Lingerie Football League team, but a men’s team? No clue. Good for them.
Game No. 2: Washington at Louisiana State, September 8, 2012 – WIN
Honey Badger don’t give a shit? More like Honey Badger don’t get to play. We take what we want!
Game No. 3: Washington vs. Portland State, September 15, 2012 – WIN
Portland. Not a real state.
Game No. 4: Washington vs. Stanford, September 27, 2012 – WIN
A lot of people think this game may determine the Pac-12 North champion. It might. If Washington wasn’t destined to win every effing game.
Game No. 5: Washington at Oregon, October 6, 2012 – WIN
There are 156,929 people in the city of Eugene. That’s about 156,929 more than the world needs. Oregon sucks.
Game No. 6: Washington vs. USC, October 13, 2012 – WIN
Matt Barkley leads the Trojans into Seattle for one of the season’s biggest games. Or as I call him, Vanilla Keith Price.
Game No. 7: Washington at Arizona, October 20, 2012 – WIN
I imagine the Wildcats will have already given up on Rich Rodriguez at this point in the year.
Game No. 8: Washington vs. Oregon State, October 27, 2012 – WIN
For a D-II school, Oregon State is pretty…wait, what’s that? They’re not? They didn’t get moved down? We don’t do it like the European soccer leagues? My mistake. Never mind then.
Game No. 9: Washington at California, November 2, 2012 – WIN
Cal coach Jeff Tedford is selling his $5.5 million Danville, Calif. estate. You know what this means, right? Fired by midseason. Book it. This team is toast.
Game No. 10: Washington vs. Utah, November 10, 2012 – WIN
If I was an English teacher giving a lesson on the proper ways to identify irony, I’d write Utah quarterback Jordan Wynn’s name on the white board, point to his surname, and say, “See that, kids? That is irony.”
Game No. 11: Washington at Colorado, November 17, 2012 – WIN
Colorado is that one team that only shows up for the post-game snacks. Cookies and Capri Suns? For everybody?! I’ll be there!
Game No. 12: Washington at Washington State, November 23, 2012 – WIN
Come on. Really? All the sword swinging, all the bear hunting, the pirate references, the hype, the fabricated excitement. These are the Cougars. You honestly think they are going to be the ones to halt our perfect season? No. No way. Operation Air Aid is underway in Pullman. God save the Cougs. It’s over. Done. Season kaput. At least Mike Leach tried. He just happened to be a victim of circumstance.
So there you have it. Yeah, I predicted a perfect season. No, it probably won’t happen. But guess what. If it does happen, I’ll be the only guy in the nation who forecasted this shitstorm. And everyone will be like, “Oh my god, oh my god! I can’t believe this guy called it!” Yeah. I’m going for that. Swinging for the fences. I’ll either go yard, or strike out miserably. It’s the Carlos Peguero approach. And as you can see, it’s worked out well for…wait, what? He’s back in Triple-A? Really? Crap.