An Ode to the Worst Fans In Baseball

Seattle has the worst fans in baseball. And I can say that. Because I’m one of those fans. It’s like when Dave Chappelle makes a joke about black people. Everyone laughs because he’s black and has a right to say crap like that. Well, I’m exercising my right to chastise my fellow Seattle baseball fanatics. Because I guess I’m just a curmudgeon like that.

First of all, why are you people so freakin’ enamored by Goddamn bobblehead dolls?! They’re dolls! They don’t even do anything! They just sit there on a shelf and nod if there’s a f**king earthquake. That’s it! What the hell is so exciting about that? Tell me! I want an explanation. Because clearly, I am not getting it. I am not rolling deep with your posse of sculpture-hoarding weirdos. Maybe I’m in the wrong for that. Maybe I’m the dude at the party standing against the wall not doing root beer keg stands because, frankly, that shit is weird. Yeah, I just realized I’m not at the cool kids’ get-together. And honestly, I’m a little pissed about that. It’s an earth-shattering moment when you first realize you’re not part of the in-crowd. But that’s what this is. This is the out-crowd. Mariner fans: we are not cool.

What is cool? There is no easy answer for that. I can tell you what isn’t cool, though. Losing isn’t cool. But really, how much control do we have over wins and losses? Well, from time to time, we CAN play a role in the outcome of a game. Like on Tuesday night, for example, when the fans sitting in the field seats along the first base line allowed an OPPOSING player to dive UNIMPEDED into THEIR territory and record the final out of the ballgame. Yes, that shit really happened.

Don Kelly. That’s who made the fateful grab. Don F**king Kelly. Who the f**k is that guy? You telling me you wouldn’t interfere with a foul ball that Don Kelly is trying to snag? Oh no, not THE Don Kelly. Not that f**king guy. Did you offer him a taste of your cotton candy after he sent your favorite team spiraling downward into the depths of defeat? Did you let him take a quick run at your wife? Did you agree to name your first-born child after him? What the f**k were you thinking NOT getting in the way of Don F**king Kelly?! We’re not asking you to hurt the guy! Just stick your glove out there and catch the pop-up before his ass goes leaping like a drunken gazelle before you. That’s all you have to do. It’s not that difficult. It can be done!

But soft, you wouldn’t expect to be a part of the action, would you? Not in between hat tricks and hydro races and giggling along with other giggly gigglef**ks as you’re made privy to the secrets of the pros — like how Ichiro’s favorite actress is Sandra Bullock, for example. Yes, fans, enjoy that bullshit. Enjoy it because they want you to enjoy it. You’re a puppet for suckdom. And you’re deep throating the hell out of mediocrity right about now.

You know, fans with any knowledge, any awareness, any desire to win would have molested the living crap out of a Don Kelly. All I want is someone to step up and distract him long enough to drop a baseball. But in most cities? The dude would be lucky to emerge from that scrum with both testes. As far as I know, we have not castrated any opposing players in this city’s history. That’s a damn shame.

Grow some balls, Seattle. Grow balls by removing the balls of others. Is that the moral of this rant? Do I really need a moral to the rant? We suck. Refuse to suck. There’s your half-assed moral. I’m going to bed.

8 thoughts on “An Ode to the Worst Fans In Baseball”

  1. Not only did Kelly catch that…he grabbed that guy’s junk on the way down. “I’ll beat your team, and grab your stuff. Cute inside out hat. Now go home.”

  2. I was amazed no one attempted to grab that ball or at least shove him out of the way. Hell, take the ball out of his glove before the ref gets there at the least. This is the opposite of that Steve Bartman incident. You have a chance to help influence the game in a positive way for your team.

  3. Its a homefield advantage for a reason. I was upset when I saw the guy with the glove right there hiding from the ball. I doubt that guy ever made it out of little league.

  4. I’ve been thinking the same thing tonight. How does no one knock that ball down before he get’s there? Look at my new bobblehead jimmy isn’t it nice? Why’s that man running towards us dad? Cover the bobblehead jimmy, I’ll catch him before he spills my soda and hurts our bobblehead. Good job dad you stopped him. Thanks son. It’s time to go now, we’ll come back tomorrow to see if the green hydroplane can win tomorrow! Ugh someone stop these people from going to games.

  5. The sad thing is that I never once expected a single M’s fan to try to make a play on it. It never actually crossed my mind that a Seattle fan would try to help the team in that situation. Now, if it had been a double down the line….some fan would have definitely reached over and stopped the winning run from crossing the plate.

    P.S. On a lighter note, maybe the fans just wanted Jumbacos.

  6. Something I’ve noticed is that fans in the first few rows on the main level really have no clue what’s going on. I was sitting third row at a game earlier this year and one guy asked his friend, “does that Freddy guy who throws really fast still pitch for the Mariners?” To which his friend replied, “no he might be on the White Sox now.” I’m pretty sure both of these guys were in their early 30’s, too.

  7. Im sure if somebody had went for that ball, the Safeco field staff would have banned him from future games and given him a red card.

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