Seattle has the worst fans in baseball. And I can say that. Because I’m one of those fans. It’s like when Dave Chappelle makes a joke about black people. Everyone laughs because he’s black and has a right to say crap like that. Well, I’m exercising my right to chastise my fellow Seattle baseball fanatics. Because I guess I’m just a curmudgeon like that.
First of all, why are you people so freakin’ enamored by Goddamn bobblehead dolls?! They’re dolls! They don’t even do anything! They just sit there on a shelf and nod if there’s a f**king earthquake. That’s it! What the hell is so exciting about that? Tell me! I want an explanation. Because clearly, I am not getting it. I am not rolling deep with your posse of sculpture-hoarding weirdos. Maybe I’m in the wrong for that. Maybe I’m the dude at the party standing against the wall not doing root beer keg stands because, frankly, that shit is weird. Yeah, I just realized I’m not at the cool kids’ get-together. And honestly, I’m a little pissed about that. It’s an earth-shattering moment when you first realize you’re not part of the in-crowd. But that’s what this is. This is the out-crowd. Mariner fans: we are not cool.
What is cool? There is no easy answer for that. I can tell you what isn’t cool, though. Losing isn’t cool. But really, how much control do we have over wins and losses? Well, from time to time, we CAN play a role in the outcome of a game. Like on Tuesday night, for example, when the fans sitting in the field seats along the first base line allowed an OPPOSING player to dive UNIMPEDED into THEIR territory and record the final out of the ballgame. Yes, that shit really happened.
Don Kelly. That’s who made the fateful grab. Don F**king Kelly. Who the f**k is that guy? You telling me you wouldn’t interfere with a foul ball that Don Kelly is trying to snag? Oh no, not THE Don Kelly. Not that f**king guy. Did you offer him a taste of your cotton candy after he sent your favorite team spiraling downward into the depths of defeat? Did you let him take a quick run at your wife? Did you agree to name your first-born child after him? What the f**k were you thinking NOT getting in the way of Don F**king Kelly?! We’re not asking you to hurt the guy! Just stick your glove out there and catch the pop-up before his ass goes leaping like a drunken gazelle before you. That’s all you have to do. It’s not that difficult. It can be done!
But soft, you wouldn’t expect to be a part of the action, would you? Not in between hat tricks and hydro races and giggling along with other giggly gigglef**ks as you’re made privy to the secrets of the pros — like how Ichiro’s favorite actress is Sandra Bullock, for example. Yes, fans, enjoy that bullshit. Enjoy it because they want you to enjoy it. You’re a puppet for suckdom. And you’re deep throating the hell out of mediocrity right about now.
You know, fans with any knowledge, any awareness, any desire to win would have molested the living crap out of a Don Kelly. All I want is someone to step up and distract him long enough to drop a baseball. But in most cities? The dude would be lucky to emerge from that scrum with both testes. As far as I know, we have not castrated any opposing players in this city’s history. That’s a damn shame.
Grow some balls, Seattle. Grow balls by removing the balls of others. Is that the moral of this rant? Do I really need a moral to the rant? We suck. Refuse to suck. There’s your half-assed moral. I’m going to bed.