I do this every year. People know about it. It’s kind of a big deal. It warms the cockles of so many hearts. Sometimes, people that read this analysis even do well in the tournament. Mostly, though, I’m here to help my fellow man. Or, perhaps, fellow woman.
Anyway, if you don’t know about The Dance (nee, the Bigger Dance), go here to find out more, fill out your bracket, and have a chance to win a bevy of prizes, including a trip to any sporting event in the world. It’s all brought to you by Sports Radio KJR and the Mitch in the Morning Show. We just provide the matchup analysis.
Also, be sure to join the Seattle Sportsnet Office Pool and compete for the bragging rights among so many of your reading brethren. We’re pool No. 105 and our password is my Twitter handle, “alexssn.”
Without further ado…
Region 1: Original
Meagan Good vs. Carrie Underwood
Carrie is a perennial favorite. She gets the guy vote, of course, but also the highly underrated female vote. She’s a national treasure. You can’t pick against her. She once took a Louisville Slugger to both of Tony Romo’s headlights. Can Meagan Good claim any of that? No. No, she cannot. Winner: Underwood.
Paula Patton vs. Kate Upton
I’ll be honest. I don’t know who Paula Patton is. That said, Paula is not a name often associated with hotness. You don’t see a hot chick running Green Lake in yoga pants and think to yourself, Damn, I bet that girl’s name is Paula. No one’s ever thought that before. Not ever.
Kate Upton (pictured above, right), on the other hand, is this year’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition cover model and has big boobies. If we know anything about this tournament, it’s that a strong frontcourt and the ability to really take it to the rack trumps everything else. I’ve also been told that she is not related to B.J. Upton, which means she’s not burdened by inherent suckiness. Winner: Upton.
Taylor Swift vs. Amber Heard
Personally, I don’t think Taylor Swift is all that hot. But she’s got much more name recognition than Amber Heard. And frankly, most women would willingly engage in a lesbian encounter with Swift on any day of the week. Women love Taylor Swift. You can’t pick against her. Winner: Swift.
Adriana Lima vs. Eva Mendes
Eva Mendes is 38 years old. Can you believe that? That’s crazy. She’s approaching Jamie Moyer status in The Dance. Unbelievable. She used to be a perennial favorite, but getting paired up with a super model? In the opening round? I don’t like those odds. Lima’s an up-and-comer that has the legs and the stamina to outlast the savvy vet. Winner: Lima.
Zooey Deschanel vs. Gisele Bundchen
If the entire voting panel consisted of women, Zooey Deschanel might win the tournament. Females love her like Pinterest. Dudes aren’t nearly as fond of Zooey as chicks are, though, hence we have to go with Mrs. Tom Brady on this one. Winner: Bundchen.
Bar Refaeli vs. Ashley Greene
Bar Refaeli does well in The Dance EVERY SINGLE YEAR! Ashley Greene does not do as well. That’s all you need to know. Winner: Refaeli.
Emma Stone vs. Amanda Knox
Perhaps I’m in the minority here, but neither of these women is hot to me. At one time or another, I was on the same University of Washington campus as Amanda Knox, so that’s semi-appealing. And Emma Stone is the girl from Superbad that everyone thought was soooo hot, but really isn’t all that hot. At least to me. But again, the voters will tell the story, and I like to think they’ll side with Stone. Winner: Stone.
Beyonce Knowles vs. Jennifer Aniston
This is the ultimate veteran matchup. One of these women (Beyonce) is actually a MILF, while the other is of MILF age and status. Aniston has typically gone deep into the tourney regardless of her pairings. Beyonce, on the other hand, has often struggled early. That said… Winner: Aniston.
Region 2: Black Spiced Rum
Brooklyn Decker vs. Bibi Jones
Bibi Jones is a porn star. Porn stars do not do well in tournaments like this. Why? Because we’ve all seen them acting out our fantasies, and therefore their appeal is lost. In spite of all that, I’d recommend you check out Jones’ very NSFW Twitter account. My friends (not me, I would never) look at it all the time.
Brooklyn Decker is gonna smoke this chick. Winner: Decker.
Megan Fox vs. Hope Solo
I want to vote for Hope Solo. My heart yearns for Hope Solo. But there’s the reality of past pedigree to deal with, and Fox has it. She’s a former champion for God’s sake. How can you pick against that? How?! You can’t. I’m sorry, Hope. Winner: Fox.
Julianne Hough vs. Malin Akerman
Malin Akerman has revealed her naked breasts in a ton of movies. Guys love naked breasts in movies.
Julianne Hough got her start on Dancing With the Stars. Guys hate Dancing With the Stars.
You see where I’m going here? Winner: Akerman.
Kim Kardashian vs. Lea Michele
This is a battle of two distinct playing styles. Michele is notably thin up front, while Kardashian possesses size in all areas. If there’s anything we’ve learned over the years, size wins out come tourney time. Winner: Kardashian.
Keeley Hazell vs. Christina Hendricks
Both Hazell and Hendricks are absolutely blessed with that frontcourt size we’ve talked about. Hendricks, however, is your classic mid-major, while Hazell happens to be the defending Queen of the Hardwood. She’s looking for the repeat and there’s no reason she can’t get it. Winner: Hazell.
Olivia Wilde vs. Julie Bowen
Seeding isn’t yet announced for The Dance, but if this isn’t an 8-9 matchup, I’d be surprised. Neither one of these competitors will make it out of the second round, but someone has to take this contest. Julie Bowen’s been around the block, dating back to her days as Adam Sandler’s love interest in Happy Gilmore. But Olivia Wilde seems to be a sentimental favorite each year come Dance time. So… Winner: Wilde.
Maria Menounos vs. Chrissy Teigen
Maria Menounos is hot, but annoying. Chrissy Teigen is an SI swimsuit model who hails from Jon Brockman’s hometown of Snohomish. According to Twitter, Teigen regularly hangs out with Erin Andrews, which is downright sexy. Two Dance competitors hanging out together? You know what you have to do here, people. Winner: Teigen.
Jessica Biel vs. Alex Morgan
Biel is a former champ who won’t go down easy (heh). I fully expect her to win. But wouldn’t it be nice if Alex Morgan, new addition to the Seattle Sounders women’s team and U.S. soccer player, kept this thing close? My heart says Morgan; my head says Biel. Winner: Biel.
Region 3: 100 Proof
Lucy Pinder vs. Caroline Wozniacki
Lucy Pinder has huge boobs. It’s almost not fair that she’s gonna win this matchup based on her huge boobs, but whatever. Winner: Pinder.
Scarlett Johansson vs. Amber Lancaster
Amber Lancaster is a former Sea Gal and a hometown favorite. My girlfriend, a current Sea Gal, has picked Amber to win the entire Dance. My girlfriend also picked Colorado (Pac-12 represent) to win the NCAA Tournament. So, admittedly not the greatest track record there.
I’d like to vote for Amber, but she’s taking on Scarlett Freakin’ Johansson. Scarlett’s like the Michigan State of this tournament. She’s not flashy, but she wins. And this year, post-divorce from Ryan Reynolds, she’s got a little chip on her shoulder. Can’t pick against her. Winner: Johansson.
Kate Beckinsale vs. Cheryl Cole
These are the matchups we all hate. Neither Beckinsale nor Cole will go far in this tournament. Neither stands out as a distinct favorite. But. (There’s always a but.) But women everywhere love Kate Beckinsale. And when in doubt, side with the women. Winner: Beckinsale.
Blake Lively vs. Olivia Munn
Purported nudie photos of Blake Lively were leaked earlier this year and they were glorious. Not that she needed the boost. Olivia Munn is hot, but Blake Lively is scorching. Winner: Lively.
Mila Kunis vs. Erin Hawksworth
Okay, I’m biased. Erin’s a friend of mine. I realize all logic says a tournament lifer like Mila Kunis should dominate this matchup. But come on. You have to support your friends. And consider this. Of all the people in The Dance, there are only a small handful who you may ever — EVER! — have a chance of running into while grocery shopping, going to a ballgame, or hitting up your local drinking establishment. Erin is part of that small handful. And wouldn’t it be nice if when you ran into her, you were able to say, “Yo, girl. I voted for you in The Dance. Wanna get a drink sometime?” Yeah, that would be nice. Winner: Hawksworth.
Rihanna vs. Erin Andrews
Erin Andrews is awesome. Rihanna makes occasionally-tolerable music and dates douchebags. This shouldn’t be difficult. Winner: Andrews.
Minka Kelly vs. Kristin Cavallari
Not that Kristin was ever one of America’s favorites anyway, but she certainly hasn’t helped herself by romancing the crap out of Jay Cutler. And the circumstances surrounding their relationship — happily dating, sadly broken up, then happily engaged after announcing a baby was on the way — are just weird.
Oh, and to make matters worse for Cavallari, Derek Jeter dumped Minka earlier this year. So she’s single. Which means everyone (yeah, right) has a chance. Winner: Kelly.
Kristen Bell vs. Jennifer Lawrence
I hear Jennifer Lawrence and think Joey Lawrence. Joey Lawrence is a dude. I would never vote for a dude in this competition. That would be weird. Winner: Bell.
Region 4: Lime Bite
Sofia Vergara vs. Gina Carano
Gina Carano is an MMA fighter-turned-actress. She’s hot, but she can also kill you. Kind of like a Fembot. Sure, it’s a great way to die, but still.
Sofia Vergara, on the other hand, is both hot and non-lethal. I like my odds there. She also has glorious cleavage. So. Yeah. Winner: Vergara.
Katy Perry vs. Rosie Huntington-Whiteley
Never vote for competitors with hyphenated last names. Example: Ryan Rowland-Smith. Winner: Perry.
Danica Patrick vs. Angela Rypien
I’d like to think that Angela Rypien — daughter of Mark, Lingerie Football League player for the Seattle Mist — could pull this out. But how many people really know who she is? Name recognition is everything. Winner: Patrick.
Matt Flynn’s Girlfriend vs. Kristen Wiig
Kristen Wiig is one of those women you may fantasize over from time to time, but not all the time. She’s hilarious, but also semi-weird. Outwardly professing your affection for someone like her just doesn’t seem one-hundred-percent acceptable.
Matt Flynn’s Girlfriend, however, does in fact have a name (Lacey Minchew), but more importantly has Matt Flynn. Matt Flynn may or may not be the second coming of Jesus, we don’t know. So just to hedge our bets, we’ll vote for the wildcard. Winner: Flynn’s Girlfriend.
Marisa Miller vs. Natalie Gulbis
Natalie Gulbis is a pro golfer. Were it not for Phil Mickelson, she would probably have the nicest boobies among all pro golfers.
But Marisa Miller. Well, now, she’s a veteran super model. You don’t pick against veteran super models! They have class and prestige and stuff. Intangibles, as the people say. Winner: Miller.
Kate Middleton vs. Pippa Middleton
Pippa is way hotter and it’s not even close. She’s also not married to a prince. Which makes it that much easier to like her. Winner: Pippa.
January Jones vs. Stacy Keibler
January Jones is on Mad Men. She was also in the third American Pie movie. She was pursued by Finch and Stifler in that film. I thought both of them could do better. Perhaps by pursuing someone like, say, Stacy Keibler. Winner: Keibler.
Jessica Alba vs. Jennifer Lopez
J-Lo is old. Jessica Alba is a former three-time Dance champ. Don’t even hesitate. Winner: Alba.
Carrie Underwood vs. Kate Upton
Kate Upton is a buzzsaw. She’s Kentucky. Young, nubile, and unstoppable. And yet so much prettier than Anthony Davis’s unibrow. Winner: Upton.
Taylor Swift vs. Adriana Lima
Mid-major versus power conference team. It’s all power conference here. Winner: Lima.
Gisele Bundchen vs. Bar Refaeli
Only one of these women isn’t married to Tom Brady. We can all appreciate that. Winner: Refaeli.
Emma Stone vs. Jennifer Aniston
Jennifer Aniston will still be hot when she’s 60. Emma Stone is barely hot in her 20s. Winner: Aniston.
Brooklyn Decker vs. Megan Fox
Mrs. Andy Roddick vs. Mrs. Brian Austin Green. No one actually likes Brian Austin Green, right? Winner: Decker.
Malin Akerman vs. Kim Kardashian
Kim K. has absolutely no depth or substance and would probably bore you two minutes into a conversation. But her body is like one of those things you’ve never seen before, like a flying DeLorean or something. Winner: Kardashian.
Keeley Hazell vs. Olivia Wilde
We’ve been over this. Winner: Hazell.
Chrissy Teigen vs. Jessica Biel
I’m sorry, Ms. Snohomish. Winner: Biel.
Lucy Pinder vs. Scarlett Johansson
Is it boating season yet? I have the urge to ride a motorboat. Winner: Pinder.
Kate Beckinsale vs. Blake Lively
Blake Lively once played Justin Long’s love interest in the teen comedy “Accepted.” It’s an okay film. Jonah Hill (correction: Fat Jonah Hill, pre-Skinny Jonah Hill) guest-starred. So did Lewis Black. I watch it when it’s on cable sometimes. Winner: Lively.
Erin Hawksworth vs. Erin Andrews
Sure, why not. We’re homies. Winner: Hawksworth.
Minka Kelly vs. Kristen Bell
Kristen Bell is cute. Minka Kelly is cuter. Winner: Kelly.
Sofia Vergara vs. Katy Perry
Sofia has a stronger frontcourt. Winner: Vergara.
Danica Patrick vs. Matt Flynn’s Girlfriend
Did you know that Danica Patrick is like 3’11”? Yeah, well, she basically is. Winner: Flynn’s Girlfriend.
Marisa Miller vs. Pippa Middleton
This is gonna be like the Revolutionary War. Winner: Miller.
Stacy Keibler vs. Jessica Alba
I wonder how many Keebler elf jokes Stacy heard while she was growing up. Probably one or two, at least. Winner: Alba.
Kate Upton vs. Adriana Lima
Kate Upton cannot be contained. Winner: Upton.
Bar Refaeli vs. Jennifer Aniston
If you rearrange the letters in Bar Refaeli’s name, you get “A Bare Rifle.” There are just so many innuendos you can create from that. Winner: Refaeli.
Brooklyn Decker vs. Kim Kardashian
Kim Kardashian’s basketball counterpart would be someone along the lines of Dajuan Blair or Jared Sullinger. Brooklyn Decker, on the other hand, is more like a silky smooth shooting guard. Power versus finesse. I like finesse. Winner: Decker.
Keeley Hazell vs. Jessica Biel
Jessica Biel is so four years ago. Winner: Hazell.
Lucy Pinder vs. Blake Lively
This is an absolutely brutal Sweet 16 matchup, along the lines of Duke-North Carolina. Both competitors have the potential to win it all. Only one will move on, however. My guess? Winner: Pinder.
Erin Hawksworth vs. Minka Kelly
I would like to see Erin move on. I hope she does. But I also know that callers really like saying the name “Minka.” I feel like we should play Boyz II Men’s End of the Road for this… Winner: Kelly.
Sofia Vergara vs. Matt Flynn’s Girlfriend
This could be an absolute massacre. Winner: Vergara.
Marissa Miller vs. Jessica Alba
Coin flip. Winner: Alba.
Kate Upton vs. Bar Refaeli
Kate Upton should have her own Twitter hashtag. Winner: Upton.
Brooklyn Decker vs. Keeley Hazell
Keeley Hazell’s ball-handling skills are second-to-none. Seriously. Google it. But be sure to clear your cache afterwards. Winner: Hazell.
Lucy Pinder vs. Minka Kelly
If Gus Johnson were calling this matchup, I feel like he’d come up with a beautiful catch phrase along the lines of Pinderlicious or something. Winner: Pinder.
Sofia Vergara vs. Jessica Alba
She’s the Eduardo Najera of this competition. Only much, much better. Winner: Vergara.
Kate Upton vs. Keeley Hazell
I want to pick Upton. I do. But picking against the defending champ? How does one do that? Fact: One doesn’t. Winner: Hazell.
Lucy Pinder vs. Sofia Vergara
¿Cómo se dice, “Time to go home?” Winner: Pinder.
Keeley Hazell vs. Lucy Pinder
And your 2012 Queen of the Hardwood is…