A Step-By-Step Guide to Ruing the Day

“[Chris Hansen] will rue the day he builds an arena in SODO.” -Seattle Mariners President Chuck Armstrong, April 4, 2012.

rue /ro͞o/ (v.): to bitterly regret something and wish it undone. Ex. The man rued the day he built his arena in SODO.

You have questions, of course. We all do. Chuck Armstrong has publicly gone on record stating that Chris Hansen will rue the day he builds an arena in SODO. But what does that even mean? How does one go about ruing a day? What processes are involved? What actions need to be taken? Where do we start? What outcomes will emerge?

First of all, calm down. I know you’re worked up over this. I’m worked up over it, too. I’ve never rued a day in my life. I’m completely in the dark on how to do this. But if Armstrong says Hansen will rue the day he does right by us fans, then screw it, we’ll all rue together. It’s time we prepared ourselves for this collective ruing.

I’ve done some research and found this, a step-by-step guide on how to rue a day. Don’t thank me. I’m here for you. And we’re in this together. But I apologize in advance. It looks like whoever put this guide together based it off a crude rendition of a New Kids On The Block lyric template. So please excuse the mess as you read through. Enjoy.

How to Rue the Day: A Comprehensive Guide

Step 1: We can have lots of fun. Wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy…after a night of drinking, a late-night Taco Bell run, and a shameful, ill-advised hookup with an ugly chick.

Oh good lord. What have you done? Look to your left: Naked ugly chick. Look to your right: Clothes on the floor (is that a Lane Bryant dress?) and at least six Crunchwrap Supreme wrappers. Look up: Why is there liquid on the ceiling? Look down: How’d this tube sock get on my junk?

Congratulations. You’re well on your way to ruing the day.

Step 2: There’s so much we can do. Faceplant getting out of bed.

You didn’t realize you were still intoxicated. Ouch.

And, oh yeah, the resounding thud from your fateful bout with gravity awoke the sleeping giant. So now you’re staggering, surrounded by filth, and trying to keep a one-night-stand-gone-wrong from pledging her love to you. It’s time to leave. Get out of here while you still can!

Step 3: It’s just you and me. Realize your car has been towed, you have a rash on your inner thigh that won’t stop itching, and you left your cell phone in that chick’s bedroom.

She’s probably going through your text messages right this minute. Is it worth going back to grab your iPhone 4S? Ehhhhhh. The 5 is coming out soon. Just wait for that. You’ll be fine.

Now what to do about this vehicle situation? And where can we get some hydrocortisone cream for God’s sake?

Step 4: I can give you more. Drink away your budding hangover as you simultaneously drown your sorrows and work to forget last night.

There’s no better way to rue than by piling on the rueful activity. Don’t just drink anything, though. When you rue, drink the best. Jager bombs and Natural Light for everybody!

Rue all day, rue all night…

Step 5: Don’t you know that the time has arrived. You’ve been evicted from your apartment, you were mugged by a bum, that chick you hooked up with actually wasn’t on the pill like she said she was. And you decided to build an arena in SODO.

What the hell? The SODO arena shit is actually on the list. Who knew!

Let’s get to ruing, sports fans.

4 thoughts on “A Step-By-Step Guide to Ruing the Day”

  1. “Mariners Baseball 2012: To Catch A Competitor… and we’re not talking about the Rangers or Angels.” I guess this ends the chance of any Chris Hansen bobblehead promotion.
    RIP Rue District 11… Making a sacrifice for the greater good… something Charles Armstrong certainly does not understand.

  2. I noticed there is not a Sonics celebration night at Safeco Field on the schedule this season. Maybe the Mariners front office is ruing the day they came up with that promotion.

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