Shawn Kemp: The Greatest Dunker in the History of the World

The best dunker in the NBA right now…has a perm. If this were a matter of determining who the best dunker in NBA history with a perm was, then by all means Blake Griffin would win. He would edge out Paul Mokeski by a landslide. In fact, it might be a unanimous decision in Griffin’s favor. But sadly for the Clippers’ young forward, greatness is not determined by the hair upon one’s head.

If greatness were, in fact, determined by the hair upon one’s head, then Shawn Kemp would not only be the best dunker of all-time with a tilted flattop fade, but also the best dunker of all-time, period. End of story. You know he was the greatest. It goes without saying. And that fade? It was filthy. F-I-L-T-H-Y. How many people have you ever seen with a tilted flattop fade? One. Shawn F**kin’ Kemp. Nobody else has ever dared to do that with their ‘do. And if they tried? People would just laugh and call them Shawn Kemp imposters. Because Kemp was that prolific. Pro-effing-lific.

I like Blake Griffin. I do. For a guy who looks like the offspring of Cory Matthews and a Monstar, he’s pretty good. He plays a decent game. He fields lob passes nicely. He can navigate a Kia with the best Korean drivers in the world. He’s even made me a part-time Clippers fan (full-time Sonics fan, however…that will never change). But when it comes to dunking, he is the senpai to Kemp’s sensei. Bow to your sensei, Blake Griffin. Bow to him!

Shawn Kemp was a fierce dunker. Blake Griffin has some cute jams.

Shawn Kemp was a cold-blooded killer. Blake Griffin occasionally dabbles in crime.

Shawn Kemp scared grown men. Blake Griffin entertains women and small children.

You see the difference here? Kemp was a monster, a beast, a man so ferocious that he inspired his opponents to do weird, non-customary things. Like the time he threw down so hard on Golden State’s Chris Gatling, that Gatling pissed his pants, then stood up and congratulated Kemp on his homicide. Don’t believe me? Here’s the video evidence:

That was weird shit, huh? You felt weird watching that, admit it. And in all honesty, I don’t know if Gatling actually pissed his pants. I fabricated that part of the anecdote. But I bet he did. There had to be a few dribbles, at least.

In his prime, Kemp was a freak. He could do the things all of today’s dunkers can do and more. Take Dwight Howard, for instance. Kemp could slam better than Howard. And — here’s the big kicker — he could do it without all of Howard’s panty-crumpled bitchiness. “Yes, everyone, I’ll bang on this 12-foot hoop for you…right after I whine about Stan Van Gundy and demand a trade.” Okay, pretty boy.

Or what about JaVale McGee? Kemp could out-dunk JaVale McGee any day. Assuming he could find JaVale McGee. Because no one actually knows who JaVale McGee is. Forget JaVale McGee. JaVale McGee is not a real name, which means JaVale McGee is probably not even a real person. You are a figment of our imaginations, JaVale McGee.

Maybe Chase Budinger could give Kemp a run for his money. That was a bad joke, I’m sorry.

Chandler Parsons? Apologies. Followed up one bad joke with a worse joke. I’m better than this, I swear.

I don’t know. As a kid, I remember watching dunk contests that featured the likes of Jason Richardson, Stromile Swift, Jonathan Bender…the dregs of the league…and thinking to myself, This shit is stupid. I grew up paying first-hand witness to the greatest dunker of all-freakin’-time. Don’t try to give me a dunk contest, NBA. There is no contest. Shawn Kemp wins every time.

Speaking of, the NBA should really let Kemp come back and judge all the future dunk “contests.” See how that goes. “We have a 10 from Darryl Dawkins…a 10 from Spud Webb…a 10 from Julius Erving…annnnnd…waiting on the last vote still…a three from Shawn Kemp. Three? Really?” Yes, three, you idiot. Because every dunk was a three compared to the Reign Man’s dunks. Don’t even play like that. Don’t even play!

He would dunk on Blake Griffin, Taylor Griffin, the Griffin brothers’ mommy and daddy, their aunts and uncles, their grandmamas and grandpapas, cousins, babies, pets, you name it. Shawn Kemp would dunk on the moon, dunk on a Martian, dunk on Tim Tebow, dunk on Obama, dunk on all the Kias in the world, dunk on Kendrick Perkins as many times as he wanted, dunk on Fidel Castro (¡Cuidado, Fidel!), dunk on Chuck Norris, dunk on Kim Kardashian’s fine ass, dunk on Justin Bieber (oh no, not Bieber!), dunk on Bieber’s girl (Selena Gomez, for the uninformed), dunk on every man, woman, and child on this beautiful planet of ours. Shawn Kemp would dunk on Jesus Christ, Himself, if Jesus Christ was blocking the lane. Get out of the key, Lord and Savior! You will not get that charge call. Nope, not even You, Your Holiness.

The best dunker in the NBA right now has a motherf**king perm. You just…I just…HE HAS A PERM! Ridiculous. Shawn Kemp would dunk on Griffin’s perm. Because he’s better than Griffin’s perm. And he’s better than Griffin, too.

Shawn Kemp, hands down, is the best dunker the world has ever seen.


6 thoughts on “Shawn Kemp: The Greatest Dunker in the History of the World”

  1. I recently had an argument about who deserved the title of King of Jams and I was the only one to even bring up the reign man. I was laughed at with Vince Carter’s name being thrown around.

  2. I love how he dunks angry! Like the rim and him had some words before the game and he was getting revenge.

  3. Kemp is the best dunker ever, yea blake get’s his dunk on too but it’s not even on the planet as kemp. Diehard sonic fan in philly.

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