Over the years, I’ve learned to never underestimate a woman. There are women out there who enjoy xBox, for example. Or like to watch porn as often as dudes. Or can even lead a receiver on the perfect corner route for a touchdown. Women can do anything. Men, on the other hand, are simple creatures.
If anything, women should have learned long ago to never overestimate men. We have a capacity for things we’re good at that maxes out around, say, six or seven. You’ll never meet a guy who is good at more than six or seven things. If you’re a woman, you better hope the man you settle down with doesn’t waste that capacity on stupid shit like Magic Cards or the construction of rubber band balls. We’re working with limited resources here.
Further, men only like six or seven things, as well. Most often the things we like are closely tied to the things we’re good at. For instance, I’m good at reading books. I also like reading books. You see how this works? It’s not that difficult.
Why do I bring all this up, you ask? Well, that’s a good question. Lately, I’ve been thinking about all the stupid things men do to please women, and likewise all the stupid things women do in overestimating men. For the sake of humanity, I think we need to patch the holes in our coexisting relationships.
So I’m here to offer women advice. You think you have us figured out, but you don’t. I’m going to do my best to help. I’ll give you valuable information you can use in understanding men, two theories at a time, on an ongoing basis. We’ll mix these theories into the Pop Culture Friday segment going forward. Why not, right?
All I ask is that you read this and tell your friends. This is my attempt at charity. Enjoy.
The Jack Johnson Theory
No man has ever said to himself, “You know whose music I really like? Jack Johnson.” It hasn’t happened yet. It likely won’t ever happen. Why? Because Jack Johnson sucks. His music was written for women. Women love his music. Men, on the other hand? We hate his mellow garbage bullshit. Every time that clown gets on his guitar and starts strumming, the collective sperm count of men everywhere drops. Jack Johnson’s slogan should be “Fueled by Estrogen.” To the male species, he is the anti-poon.
This wouldn’t be a problem if women weren’t forcing Johnson’s crap music on us all the time. They’re convinced that we like him as much as they do. To make matters worse (better?), men know this. We know that a) women love Jack Johnson’s shit-tastic tunes, b) women think men love Jack Johnson’s shit-tastic tunes, too, and c) women will push Jack Johnson’s shit-tastic tunes on us because of this blatant misconception.
So what do men do as a result? (And remember…simple creatures.) We tell you we like Jack Johnson! We lie to you! Because we know that if you like Jack Johnson this much, and we say we like Jack Johnson, too, holy crap, you might have sex with us! That’s really what’s going through our minds. Here, I’ll break down the thought process:
1. Damn it. This chick likes Jack Johnson.
2. Good lord. She really likes him. She is not gonna let this go, is she?
3. Maybe if I just say I like Jack Johnson, this will all go away and we can get naked.
4. “Hey, girl. I didn’t know you liked Jack Johnson, too! What a small world.” Nailed it.
5. Oh yeah, she’s taking off her shirt. This is really going down.
6. Why hasn’t she turned Jack Johnson off yet? I’m not gonna be able to get hard to this!
7. F**k you, Jack Johnson.
Sometimes it backfires. Simple creatures.
Frankly, women, I understand your dilemma. You’ve been led to believe that men like Jack Johnson’s music because of what we’ve told you while trying our best to get laid. We were thinking with our Jack Johnsons at the time and not our brains. I apologize for that. But you need to know that a man’s perceived affinity for that jerkoff, lyricist beach bum is a complete and utter falsehood. Pretending to like BS music is a man’s way of getting in your good graces. You have to respect our effort, but you need to see through it.
Fact is, we hate Jack Johnson. But we really like you. So let’s cut the crap, turn off the radio, and get down to brass tax. There you go.
*Side note: This theory can also be amended to include John Mayer, Coldplay, or one of a handful of other artists/groups. It’s not just Jack Johnson who sucks.
The Sex Question Theory
We’ve all been there before. Things are getting heated in the bedroom when suddenly she blurts out the question, “How bad do you wanna f**k me?”
Women should know that asking questions during coitus — and/or the moments leading up to coitus — is ill-advised. I mean, really ill-advised. Like when a point guard runs up the court and jacks a 25-foot three with nearly every second on the shot clock remaining and the announcer goes, “Oh my! That shot was ill-advised.” That kind of ill-advised.
Men don’t do well with questions. We tend to have analytical minds. You present us a question and we’ll think about it until we have a good answer. So even a question as seemingly rhetorical as “How bad do you want to f**k me?” can really throw us for a loop.
Worse yet, there is no good answer to a question like that. Sure, we could just reply, “Really bad.” But that sounds stupid. When you’re sitting there naked, trying your hardest to look smooth, answering “Really bad” to a girl talking dirty to you (or at least attempting to talk dirty to you) seems lazy and cliche. Lazy and cliche is not the message we’re trying to send in the bedroom. So we over-analyze.
I’ve thought up some possible responses to our question should men be presented with this ill-advised rhetoric in the bedroom:
“Well, um, I guess I wanted to f**k you a little more before we started this interrogation process.”
“How bad? On a scale of 1 to 10, I’d say probably about a 7.”
“Is this multiple choice? If so, I’ll take ‘C.'”
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not trying to belittle your inquiries. I just want this to serve as a lesson to all you women out there: asking questions during happy time is not a good idea. Men are not properly equipped to deal with that sort of thing. As alluded to in conjunction with The Jack Johnson Theory, we are either thinking with our dicks or our brains. Not both. It’s one or the other. You can’t ask us to do both. That’s unfair. There are ground rules here.
Well, that about does it for today. I’ll be back in the future with more theories to share. Please try your best to heed this advice. We’ll all be better off for it. Thank you.