What follows is a letter I have sent to the station manager at Sports Radio KJR, Rich Moore. Feel free to email Rich at email@example.com if you have an opinion you’d like to share. You can also contact Rich on Twitter, @950PD.
“Take a look at me now, ’cause there’s just an empty space. And you coming back to me is against all odds, and that’s what I’ve got to face.” -Phil Collins.
You’ll notice I’ve quoted Phil Collins above. A man only does that when he’s desperate, Rich. I wish I could just make you turn around. Turn around and see me cry. There’s so much I need to say to you. So many reasons why.
Rich, I’m writing to you today with a plea. I’m writing on my own accord, unbeknownst to my cohorts, asking you to let us bring back the internet’s greatest podcast, Karate Emergency. I’ve searched the entire web. There are no better podcasts. Ours won. It’s science.
I’ve heard things, Rich. I’ve heard that as KJR’s esteemed program director, you pulled the plug on our online radio show. We were too edgy or something. Too meddlesome. I understand that. And I respect your decision. But I also respectfully disagree with your actions.
First of all, you noticed us. As did many others. Okay, a few others, but who’s really counting? Fact is, we were good enough to get noticed. And that’s what really matters.
Second, we were quality. Most podcasts are tape-recorded concoctions mish-mashed together in a damp, dark basement. They’re boring, lame, lack any semblance of organization or entertainment, and, in general, suck. Our podcast was none of those things. It was recorded in a legitimate studio, one that you oversee. It sounded so good we called it aural sex (because we’re edgy). We were organized. We had voiceover guys. We had people begging us to be on the show. We had respect. We said all the things the legitimate radio hosts couldn’t say. We were their voice. The voice of the people.
Third, we enjoyed doing the show, Rich. Ashley Ryan, Josh Sabrowsky, Ryan Divish, and myself. We had more fun together than we ever thought possible. We barely even knew each other when we started. But over a few months of shared airtime, we became good friends. And not only that, but we were a talented group. As individuals, we’re who we are, nothing spectacular. But together? Together we were rock stars. We were onto something. We know what we had: an FM morning show format with AM sports radio content, mixed with a heavy dose of relevant pop culture. It was entirely unique. No one did it well before us. No one’s done it well since. I have no qualms about telling you how great we were. We were fantastic.
Fourth, we’re willing to admit our shortcomings. We cussed a lot. Sure, we censored it. But we’re willing to drop the cussing altogether if you let us back on the air. We’ll do whatever it takes to prove we’re legitimate. Just look at the gold mine you’ve got at your fingertips with us:
-Ashley has the ultimate radio voice and the on-air personality every guy swoons over.
-Josh is a producer extraordinaire that possesses all the qualities necessary to drive his own show (you know how rare that is, I don’t need to tell you).
-Divish is a 36-year-old curmudgeon who appeals to all the old, grumpy men out there. (And he’s already getting dual airtime with your crosstown rival, so you know he’s a commodity worth locking up.)
-And then there’s me, the fat girl from high school who might very well turn into a hot chick after college. You don’t know. I might blossom, Rich. I’m an ugly duckling right now. But there’s an inner swan there. And when it comes out, you can say you allowed me to flourish by reading this letter and thinking to yourself, “Yeah, let’s give those Karate Emergency hooligans another shot.”
I’m asking for our chance to prove to you that we can be amazing. We were good before; now we’re aiming for great. And on a selfish side note, this show made me a better writer. My writing hasn’t been what it once was since our show got canceled. I need this show. It inspires me. Sitting there talking about random shit (I mean…crap) makes me better. So yeah, I want it for me, too.
You’re not paying us. We’re not costing you a dime. We’re good at what we do. People (a few) actually want to listen to us. We’re well-mannered when we have to be. We’re knowledgeable. We bring in a younger crowd, a crowd that needs targeting. We have sex appeal. We’re big on Twitter. What more convincing could you possibly need?
We’re like your kids, Rich. You’ve grounded us for a little while, but you know deep down you love us. We’re gonna do right by you. Because you believe in us. You know you do. We know you do.
You can’t deny us, Rich. Just take a look at those faces in the picture. Just take a look at us now.