Pop Culture Friday: Five Songs to Help You Get Laid

Welcome to Pop Culture Friday! As you probably know, I don’t always write about sports here at Seattle Sportsnet. So rather than keeping you guessing on when non-sports articles will appear on these pages, I’ve devoted Friday to the eclectic cause. Expect a good dose of pop culture every Friday from here on out. If you love it, enjoy. If you hate it, that’s one day out of the week you don’t have to visit the site. Without further ado…

The other day, my buddy Griffin Bennett (@GriffinWB on the Twitter; read his work over at Montlake Madness) tipped me off to an article simply entitled 10 Most Crucial Middle School Dance Jams. I took a look at the piece…and was thoroughly disappointed. First of all, any list that considers a song by Joe to be the most crucial of the most crucial is absolutely abysmal. Joe’s own mother wouldn’t put his music at the top, so why should anyone else?

Regardless, the article inspired me. It inspired me to not only compile a list of my own, but also to make that list helpful in some way or another. Writing about middle school dance jams is nostalgic and all, but it isn’t much more than that. So I decided I’d give every guy out there advice on music by which to get laid. Don’t thank me. I’m just trying to do my part.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking this is both shallow and egotistical. And you are correct! But at the same time, it’s fun for all and all for fun. So let’s enjoy this together. The article, that is.

Song No. 1: I Want It That Way, Backstreet Boys

Was 1999 a good year or what? Bill Clinton had his name cleared in impeachment proceedings, we were prepping ourselves for the technological Armageddon known as Y2K, and the Backstreet Boys released one of the best-selling albums of all-time, Millennium. And there, amidst all the other poppy riffraff of that studio monstrosity (I kid, it wasn’t a monstrosity, it was actually very beautiful), sat one gem of a song: I Want It That Way.

Destined to be abused by drunken frat boys on karaoke mics for all eternity, I Want It That Way could not have been a better tribute to the teen pop genre. Simple, catchy, dramatic, and easy to sing, the tune touched the hearts of millions, if not billions. Girls swooned over the video (shot in an airport hangar…weird, but okay), while guys secretly pretended they hated the cut, despite memorizing every single lyric in their spare time.

Over the years, I Want It That Way became the type of jumpoff jam that could take a party from awful to amazing in a heartbeat. Think about it. Every time you’re in a group setting and that song gets piped through the speakers, girls scream like Prince just strolled into the room. The high-pitched squeals are indubitably followed by the shrieking of such comments as, “Oh my god!” and “I LOVE this song!” Might as well be a lyrical aphrodisiac.

I had this theory once that by wearing Polo Sport cologne, a man in his twenties could give off the pleasant aroma of a much simpler time in a young female’s life. Hey, hot college girl, you smell that? That’s the fragrance of your junior high school Valentine’s Day dance. Remember those days? Yeah, you do. Let’s go get a drink together. At least, that’s how I always pictured the exchange going. Anyway, the point is, a song like I Want It That Way is essentially the musical version of Polo Sport cologne. It takes a girl back to those happy days gone by. And that, dear friends, is why it’s so special.

You want to get laid. Play I Want It That Way. It’ll let her know you are fun, goofy, diverse, irreverent, and willing to get it on. All good things.

Song No. 2: I’ll Make Love to You, Boyz II Men

Quite cliche, I know. But if this isn’t the most epic I-wanna-get-down song, I don’t know what is. Just watch the video and tell me you don’t want to make love to something, anything.

I don’t even have words. You had me at “Close your eyes, make a wish.” Let’s go, girl. This will only take three minutes, tops.

Song No. 3: Find Your Love, Drake

Women love them some Drake. Never mind the fact that he’s basically Canada’s version of Will Smith. They absolutely adore him, without remorse, for reasons no one can really justify. They’re aroused at the sound of his voice, turned horny when he starts to croon. It’s science. We learned about it in health class.

As a man, you might be torn on Drake. I’m sure many of you like him, many of you hate him, many of you don’t care one way or the other. That’s fine, but it’s not about you. It’s not what you care about that matters. It’s what she cares about. You don’t give a damn about flowers, for instance, but you still buy your girl roses from time to time because you know it’s a good idea. Here, take these plants. They’ll be dead in a week, but at least you’ll be happy today. Enjoy. Listening to Drake for the sake of your relationship is like giving a girl flowers. It inexplicably brightens her day. So just go with it.

Of all the Drake tunes that could possibly help you do the deed, this is the one I put the most faith in. This joint is Drake at his Bing Crosby finest, crooning all up and down your woman like she were covered in sheet music and he didn’t know the notes. She’ll hear his voice on this track and practically drag you to the bedroom. You won’t know what the hell’s going on because this song is that unassuming, but trust me, you’ll be pleased.

Yes, Drake, you’ve done okay things for men. We still don’t know why females love you so much. You’re kind of like Taylor Swift in that regard. But we’ll let you go about your business so long as you keep playing the role of wingman. Gracias.

Song No. 4: (Everything I Do) I Do It For You, Bryan Adams

Bryan Adams. Blessed with two things women love: a raspy voice and a guitar. Why can’t we all have raspy voices and guitars? It’s almost not fair.

Aside from the fact that this is one of the goofiest music videos of all-time, the song itself is pure poetry. Yes, it’s slightly over-dramatic — whoa, chick, we just met…I don’t know if I’d be willing to die for you yet — but it’s emotional, and that’s what really counts.

Song No. 5: This Woman’s Work, Maxwell

First fun fact: This song has nothing to do with making love.

Second fun fact: This song was originally written and performed by a British woman.

This Woman’s Work might be the biggest of the big guns when it comes to love-making music, however. For context, it was the backdrop to a sex scene in the movie Love & Basketball. And that’s really what gives it its appeal. You play this song and feelings will get serious very quickly. It should really come with a warning label. You play this around the wrong person and, well, nine months later, who knows.

All I’m saying is, be careful. Very potent, this song. It features a harp, for Christ’s sake. A freakin’ harp. The official instrument of heaven. Don’t say I didn’t properly prepare you. Good luck.

7 thoughts on “Pop Culture Friday: Five Songs to Help You Get Laid”

  1. I will also nominate ….

    R Kelly — Bump N Grind … yes its creepy because of R Kelly’s penchant for urinating on girls. And yet if he sings the lyrics to them as he does it, they don’t mind.

    Prince — Cream …. It’s Prince and he’s the man. Enough said.

    Bobby Brown — Rock Wit’cha …Because he’s Bobby Brown and he turned Whitney Houston into a freak.

    Babyface — When can I see you again … Any guy that would allow David Silver to tour with him on 90210 is good. He probably hooked up with Valerie Malone and Kelly Taylor in a three-way.

    I may need to add more later

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