One for every f**king year of history we have.
1. We’re the Seattle Supersonics, the only team in NBA history to have the word “Super” in our nickname. That’s not by accident. We’re super awesome.
2. We used to play our games in the Coliseum, which is so highly thought of that the Romans named their ancient structure after our much more modern one.
3. Our mascot is the only known Sasquatch on the face of the earth.
4. Dale Ellis holds the team record for most points in a single season. He tallied 2,253 of those during the 1988-1989 campaign. Dale Freakin’ Ellis. The Michael Jordan of his era.
5. This video:
6. We had to endure two seasons of Jim McIlvaine. Every other city that had to endure even one season of McIlvaine still has a team. That’s not fair.
7. In 1983, our general manager, Zollie Volchok, won NBA Executive of the Year. His name is Zollie Volchok. That should count for something. A name like that is rare as shit and you know it.
8. New Orleans doesn’t give a damn about their team. They’re like the chick with a nice rack who wants to get breast reduction surgery. And we’re the flat-chested girl that’s wondering what the hell that big-boobed hottie’s problem is. You’re taking this wonderful blessing for granted! Why can’t we get some of that action? Stop being so damn selfish.
9. Our own Xavier McDaniel once choked out the Lakers’ Wes Mathews. Everybody hates the Lakers. He was doing it for America! It looked like this:
10. Our arch-rival — the Portland Trailblazers — is rival-less. That’s messed up. That’s like if Mr. Hand never had Jeff Spicoli in his life. We are the stoner student to their buttoned-up history teacher. We belong together. Aloha, Portland.
11. NBA Jam is worthless without the Sonics. Every gamer knows the importance of Payton-to-Kemp.
12. The guy that made the headband popular was our point guard. He was also named Slick. A guy named Slick who made headbands cool. That’s pimpin’.
13. Ricky Pierce used to play for us and he had one of the greatest mustaches of all-time:
14. We took bullets for the rest of the league by wasting first-round draft picks on a handful of centers that never amounted to anything: Rich King, Vladimir Stepania, Robert Swift, Johan Petro, Mouhamed Sene. Where’s our thank-you card?
15. We had to put up with the fat, alcoholic version of Vin Baker.
16. We have our own award-winning documentary, Sonicsgate, which should be viewed by anyone who considers themselves a basketball fan.
17. The greatest white dunker in the history of the game, Tom Chambers, spent some of his best years with the Sonics doing crazy shit like this:
18. Jesus Shuttlesworth played for us.
19. We have more NBA championships (one) than the Phoenix Suns, Cleveland Cavaliers, Los Angeles Clippers, Utah Jazz, Denver Nuggets, Indiana Pacers, New Jersey Nets, New Orleans Hornets, Minnesota Timberwolves, Orlando Magic, Memphis Grizzlies, Toronto Raptors, Charlotte Bobcats and OKLAHOMA CITY THUNDER combined.
20. Our last owner abandoned us.
21. The owner before that also abandoned us.
22. Both those owners are notoriously horrible people who will one day burn in hell. Would you rather support the notoriously horrible hell-burners or an innocent, victimized fan base?
23. This video:
24. Shawn Kemp’s tilted flattop fade was the coolest hairstyle of the ’90s and you know it.
25. Proving he is one of basketball’s all-time greatest defenders, Gary Payton has spent most of his post-playing career campaigning for the return of the team to Seattle. Give the man a rest already.
26. The first coach in franchise history to lead us to a winning record was also the team’s starting point guard. His name was Lenny Wilkens.
27. Dennis Johnson’s jump for joy during the 1979 championship run:
28. We let Danny Fortson play for us. Most teams wouldn’t do that.
29. Our nickname refers to the boom heard when an object in motion travels faster than the speed of sound. That kind of scientific sophistication makes teams like the Nuggets and Jazz look foolish.
30. We had Predrag Drobnjak on the squad. And we let him do this:
31. If the previous reason didn’t sell you, consider the fact that Drobnjak had a cat named Jinkies and then rethink your decision.
32. David Stern hates us. Everybody hates David Stern. Ipso facto, everybody should love us.
33. In Seattle, we really like complaining about poor officiating. There’s really no officiating worse than that of the NBA. We need each other. It’s meant to be.
34. Michael Cage’s Jheri curl juice:
35. Sir Mix-A-Lot wrote this song about the Sonics shortly after writing another song about ample female posteriors:
36. Steve Scheffler’s dancing in the above video. That alone should make us worthy of getting our team back.
37. Two words: Olumide Oyedeji.
38. Luke Ridnour did a lot of NBA players favors by never playing any defense. We should get some sort of credit for all those points he relinquished.
39. It rains a lot here. When it rains, we need to go inside for shelter. NBA arenas provide shelter. We have one of those, but we can’t currently use it. That just seems like a waste.
40. Ask NBA players if they’d rather spend a night in Seattle or, say, Indianapolis. They’ll tell you where they want to go. Our ladies of the evening are high class.
41. Because we didn’t deserve to have them stolen from us in the first place.
Bring back our Sonics. Stop being so mean.