Top 11: Absolutely Ridiculous 2012 Seattle Sports Predictions

One year is gone and another is just beginning. We experienced quite a bit in 2011. From college football scandals galore, to divine quarterbacks, to dual lockouts, to more whimsical things, like every local sports team finding its way to a mediocre finish.

So where do we go from here? Great question. I don’t have ESP, but I like to think I do. Here are my predictions for everything that may or may not happen in the coming year. Just remember, sixty percent of the time, these work every time. Unless they don’t. In which case, at least we had fun pretending.

Without further ado, here are your absolutely ridiculous 2012 Seattle sports predictions. Because predicting the future is super fun.

11. The Seattle Mariners will shock everyone and win the American League Western Division.

The Angels’ Albert Pujols will regress dramatically after switching to the American League. The Rangers will be stricken by a bevy of injuries. The A’s will be…well, the A’s. And the Mariners? Behind the leadership of MVP candidate Dustin Ackley, Cy Young winner Felix Hernandez, and offseason free agent signee Prince Fielder, the M’s will become 2012’s surprise team in Major League Baseball.

On top of all that, the team will pull off the move of the century during Spring Training when they sell Chone Figgins to Japan for 80 yen, which is equivalent to one U.S. dollar. The Mariners will then use that dollar to buy a pack of Bazooka Joe bubble gum, validating the deal entirely because Bazooka Joe is awesome and comes wrapped in comics.

Oh yeah, and Larry Bernandez will finally make his big league debut. So get ready for that.

10. Ian Furness will receive a well-deserved extra hour of airtime on Sports Radio KJR, but…

It’s no secret that Furness’s daily, two-hour radio show is not unlike frequent guest Ryan Divish in that it’s a little short. That will all change in 2012, however, when the Furness Show gets a fifty-percent raise in airtime.

The extra five hours each week will start off well, what with the recurring segments for fresh faces in media — like Erin Hawksworth and Alex Akita, perhaps — but quickly spiral out of control as it becomes painfully clear that Josh Sabrowsky is ill-equipped to handle the extra daily hour of production duty. Between leaving early to go shopping at H&M, spinning music that is borderline good on Bad Music Friday, and struggling to play a mean air guitar the way he once played it, Sabrowsky’s downfall will cost the show its extra hour just two months in.

But don’t worry about Sabrowsky. He’ll continue to produce those two hours at an A-plus level. He’ll then utilize the newfound extra time to get his hirsute modeling career off the ground. Just what the world needs.

9. The Washington Huskies Men’s Basketball team will win the Pac-12, receive an automatic bid to the NCAA Tournament, and make it all the way to the Elite Eight.

After a slow start to the season, the Dawgs will post a record of 14-4 in Pac-12 play AND win their final non-conference game against Seattle University, bringing their overall regular season record to 23-9 on the year. They’ll win the Pac-12 Tournament, gaining automatic entry to the Big Dance, and proceed to overwhelm opponents with relentless athleticism and a speedy, four-guard lineup.

Upon finishing the season, both Terrence Ross and Tony Wroten, Jr. will be viewed as first-round NBA prospects and debate entering the draft. Both will ultimately return for another season, however, when they come to grips with the fact that college is arguably the greatest experience of any person’s life ever.

While each will want their shot at a 2013 National Championship, Wroten will also come back to help the university promote the Wroten Workout Plan, a fitness regimen that will sell millions of DVDs worldwide. The WWP will eventually supplant P90X as America’s favorite workout video.

8. The 2013 Men of Seattle Sports Media calendar will be the must-have stocking stuffer of the 2012 holiday season.

With unique beach scenes, neon clothing, humorous poses, and little left to the imagination, the Men of Seattle Sports Media calendar will revolutionize the charity calendar game and blow up across the nation. All proceeds will benefit a couple of special foundations that are near and dear to our hearts. The photography will be high-class and professional. There will be wardrobe and lighting. Models will coach the media members on how to pose. Women will inexplicably flock to the public signings. The married media members will get more love than they’ve ever received from their spouses previously. The single media members will be among the city’s most eligible bachelors. It will be, in a word, amazing.

Now to talk everyone into it…

7. The Seattle Sounders FC will win the MLS Cup.

I have no basis for this prediction. I just think it’s time. And there’s a track record to support the success. Make it happen, Sounders.

6. The Seahawks will select Robert Griffin, III in the first round of the 2012 NFL Draft, then go on to win the NFC West behind…Tarvaris Jackson.

They’ll trade up to nab Griffin, then give him a year to study under Jackson. Jackson, in turn, will seize the opportunity to become a capable, playoff-caliber starting quarterback. His solid performance throughout the 2012 campaign will cause Hugh Millen to go on a profanity-laden rant on the airwaves of Sports Radio KJR, the likes of which the FCC has never seen before. In the process, Millen will drop 15 F-bombs and invent three new profanities which had not previously been introduced to the English-speaking world.

Jackson won’t be alone in his endeavors, as Marshawn Lynch, who was re-signed to a lucrative contract in the offseason, will become an All-Pro running back in his third year with the ballclub. Second-year wideout Doug Baldwin will emerge as a 1,000-yard receiver, safety Kam Chancellor will continue down the path towards greatness, and the entire defensive unit will find itself among the league’s elite.

In spite of all this, the Seahawks will not win the Super Bowl, as the world will be ending on December 21, 2012. This, according to the Mayans and various Hollywood films of a similar theme. Also, this song by Jay Sean and Nicki Minaj:

You know what? F**k it. For the sake of this article, let’s just assume the world won’t end. To hell with it, just give the Seahawks the 2012-2013 Super Bowl title right now. Boom. I’ll go on record with that optimism.

5. Mike Leach will lead the Washington State Cougars football program to their first winning season in nine years, then promptly retire to become a real-life pirate.

Shortly after winning the 2012 Las Vegas Bowl, Leach will move to Somalia and adopt the nickname Captain Mike Black Raven Leach. As a pirate, Leach will command the high seas on a yacht that he purchases with the money he earned during his one season at WSU. As most pirates navigate the waterways on slow-moving ships, Leach will have a clear advantage over his competitors in this respect. He will dub his vessel “The Spread,” a nod to the high-flying, fast-paced spread offense he employed during his days as a football coach.

Stunned Cougar fans will lament the abrupt departure of their fearless leader. They will decry his name at first, but eventually come to grips with Leach’s destiny, even going so far as to brew a liquor in his honor. While Captain Black Raven Spiced Rum will become a hit in Pullman, the nation will be hard-pressed to buy into the low quality of the Cougars’ attempt at alcohol. Black Raven will sit at the bottom of most store shelves, right beneath the likes of Admiral Nelson.

4. Heisman Trophy winner Keith Price will lead the Washington Huskies football team to their first Rose Bowl appearance in more than a decade.

Self-explanatory, really. Three letters and a number to sum this up: KP4H.

3. Two former Huskies will represent the United States at the 2012 Olympic Games in London.

You may have heard about my buddy Norris Frederick. He’ll be tearing up the track in London come summertime. Bank on it.

You may not have heard about my other friend, Jeffrey “Crossbow” Anderson. Crossbow is a future Olympic archer and one of the most skilled marksmen in the entire world. He’s like a modern-day William Tell. We call him Crossbow because it sounds cooler than Bow-and-Arrow. We’ve also tried to get him to bring his weaponry out in public on numerous occasions, which he sadly refuses to do. Regardless, he’s the next great American archer and once earned All-American honors shooting targets at the University of Washington. To prove to you how badass Crossbow is, here’s a picture of him eating a sandwich:

Ladies, he’s single. Now’s your chance to get in on the ground floor.

In all seriousness, I couldn’t be more proud of these two friends of mine. I’m pulling for them all the way and hope to see them in London a few months from now. Get ready to book that vacation…

2. Plans for a new multi-purpose arena in the Seattle area will finally come to fruition.

This should give everyone a little hope. It’s bound to happen.

1. The Sonics will return to Seattle.

You’re probably wondering how this will all go down. I’ve thought it out in great detail. Here you go:

David Stern will fall into a coma after choking on a pastry at a Starbucks in Oklahoma City. His lunch partner, Clay Bennett, will attempt to perform the Heimlich maneuver on Stern, only to fail miserably when he slips on a coffee jacket and knocks himself unconscious. The blunt force damage to Bennett’s skull will cause him to develop amnesia; the resulting memory loss will render him incapable of holding his position as head of the NBA’s Relocation Committee.

With both Stern and Bennett incapacitated, Deputy Commissioner Adam Silver will assume everyday operations of the Association and, in a panic, appoint Mark Cuban as head of the Relocation Committee. This will set off a chain of events that eventually leads to the New Orleans Hornets exiting Louisiana, headed for the Pacific Northwest.

A friend to fans everywhere, Cuban will entertain a sit-down meeting with the guys from Sonicsgate. The Sonicsgate crew will then convince the Mavericks’ owner to overthrow the incompetent Silver as acting commissioner of the league. Cuban, enamored by the prospect of ultimate power, will oblige to the suggestions of the Seattle faithful.

Armed with seemingly endless pockets, Cuban will hire a posse and stage an old-fashioned coup of the NBA offices. Scared out of his mind, Silver will flee the building naked, screaming like a little girl. Onlookers will wonder why he removed all his clothes before running away. For this, we will have no answer. Silver will never be heard from again.

With the league under his control, Cuban will do a solid to the gentlemen who helped conceive his reign by forcing the Hornets out of their less-than-ideal circumstances in New Orleans. The team will be relocated to Seattle, where they’ll adopt the Sonics name, logo, colors, and history. The city will rejoice in the midst of its good fortune.

Shortly after the move is made official, Stern will awake from his coma and try to seize control of the league once again. The coalition of owners, having been paid hefty sums of hush money from Cuban, will instead transfer Stern to a nursing home in suburban Oklahoma City where he will spend the rest of his days.

Bennett, meanwhile, will never regain his memory, yet still live a long and productive life as a drag queen named Glitter. Dancing in front of millions of tourists each year under the lights of Las Vegas, Glitter will become one of the most renowned and respected transsexual celebrities in the history of the world.

Sonicsgate. Believe it, baby.

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