It started out as a political movement, but has since morphed into the gigantic pain in everyone’s ass. Occupy Seattle was all fun and games when it had a purpose, a message, some direction, and didn’t f**k with our everyday lives. Since then, shit’s hit the fan and most of us are pissed.
This has been building for some time, of course. With each passing day, Occupy Seattle protestors continue to camp out in the midst of our fair city, turning the once-represented ninety-nine-percent into the completely-disenchanted ninety-nine-percent. We used to side with these people. But then they started messing with our travel commutes, blocking our streets, and just generally causing trouble. How trouble-making solves the problems we face on Wall Street is beyond me. All I know is a) it’s annoying, b) even my most liberal acquaintances are upset, and c) no rational person supports the spectacle of the movement any longer.
You may find yourself wondering what this has to do with sports. Well, it’s simple really. If you’d like to get to a sporting event in this town, chances are you’ll have to cross paths with the Occupy protestors. Which is a lot like answering three questions from the troll at the proverbial bridge. You can’t just pass, bear in mind. You have to endure their crap before you can peaceably move along.
For instance, if you were trying to get to the Seahawks game on Monday night, your commute was likely impacted by a bunch of unshowered, tent-dwelling malcontents. It doesn’t really matter what side of the fence you live on with regard to the political landscape. If your commute is trashed and you can’t easily get to a venue to watch your favorite team, you’re going to be angry. You and me, we’re part of the one-hundred-percent. The one-hundred-percent of sports fans who want to do to the Occupy Seattle movement what Marshawn Lynch typically does to would-be tacklers. And when it’s all said and done, we’ll dive backwards into the end zone holding our junk like pimps.
Here’s the thing. The Occupy Seattleites are convinced that the only way they can spread their gospel and make a difference is by f**king shit up. There. It’s been said. And it’s true. You know it, I know it, we all know it. If they don’t f**k shit up, their message won’t be received, or something like that.
These people are not sound human beings. They’ve been oppressed for years. From the moment they reached elementary school and didn’t get picked for a team because they played kickball like retarded chickens with their heads cut off, to later in life when they failed to land jobs because their social ineptitude kept them from getting along with anyone and everyone they could have possibly worked with. The world is against them. It has nothing to do with economics, politics, or social welfare. These people are just stupid. So stupid, in fact, that they deserve their own episode of Maury. Send them to boot camp for a bit, let them know whether or not they’re the father, then bring them to tears in front of a live studio audience. It’s the American way.
Fact is, one can make a difference and spread a message without ever f**king shit up. I know because I do it every day. And that’s not to toot my own horn. It’s to provide some effing perspective. I write shit down. And in writing shit down, I can make a difference without ever leaving my couch or murdering one’s well-being. (That’s not to say I don’t leave the couch. Don’t get the wrong impression. As it is, I’m writing this from a desk with an ergonomic chair. It makes my back feel nice and keeps my posture intact.)
Anyone can do the exact same thing I’m doing. It’s not something special. If you have the means to communicate, the willingness to achieve a solution, and a receptive audience, you can do anything. So no matter how politically-infused you may be, don’t tell me these people are doing something great, because they’re not. They’re acting as obstacles, ruining our livelihoods, and impacting our society in a negative way. There’s nothing great about that.
Occupy Seattle, you need to shut it down. Not because I told you so. My personal opinion is irrelevant. You need to shut it down for three reasons. One, because you’re hurting our city, which we all love. Two, because you’re exhibiting horrible hygienic behavior, and that’s not safe. And three (and this is the big one), because you’re misrepresenting the group you claim to be advocating on behalf of. Many people may, in fact, agree with your original mission statement. But even they’ve become less than enamored with your presence. You’re like the third installment of any comedy movie trilogy. It was fun the first two times around, but now the jokes are stale, the plot has thinned, and it’s clear you’re just desperate for attention at this point.
Go home. Take a shower, then a bath, then another shower, then maybe another bath. Do some laundry. Sleep in a bed. If you still feel compelled to pass along your message, write it down and share it with the world. If it’s valid and well thought-out, people will read it and respond accordingly. But don’t mess with our commutes, our sports, our beautiful town, or our happiness. You can do great things without being dickheads. Thank you.