You may have heard the news. The
California Angels Anaheim Angels Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim have signed Albert Pujols and C.J. Wilson to free agent contracts. The best hitter in the game and one of the better pitchers in the game. Both Angels. Both playing in the American League West. Both direct competitors to your Seattle Mariners. What. The. F**k.
There will always be bad days. Maybe your dog passes away. Maybe you lose your job. Maybe you wake up one morning and find that reruns of Saved By The Bell have been removed from syndication. Bad days happen. They don’t usually happen like this, though…
We were blindsided. We woke up this morning, checked our computers, checked our phones, and there it was: Pujols signs with Angels. What? What?! What happened to the Marlins? What happened to the Cardinals? What about the Cubs, the motherf**kin’ lovable loser Cubs?! How? The Angels? Howwwwwwwww????!!!!
Ten years. Two-hundred-fifty-million dollars. That’s a lot of money. That’s a lot of time. He’ll finish his career as an Angel! He’ll finish his career in the AL West!! We’ll see him twenty times a year!!! HOWWWWWWW????!!!!
But wait. He’s like, thirty-five years old, right? Right?! Wikipedia. Check Wikipedia…he’s only thirty-one?! Thirty-freakin’-one! That’s a Dominican thirty-one, though. He’s probably older. Yeah, I bet he’s older. Probably like…thirty-four, at least. Yeah. Okay. This is getting better. And he’s bald. And he might be on the juice. We don’t know. It’s all possible. It’s cool. We’ll be cool. Everyone just calm down. It’s cool now. It’s coo–wait, what? C.J…what?! Wilson? C.J. Wilson?! Hold on. Let me check this.
Twitter, do not fail me now, do not give me that whale with the birds…F**KING HELL! What the f**k is going on today? Is it a full moon? C.J. F**king Wilson, are you kidding me? Who are these bastards? Colombian drug lords? Where did they get this kind of money? This is ridiculous. First Pujols, now Wilson. I don’t…I don’t know what to think. I am speechless. This is shit. Just shit.
How are we supposed to compete, huh? We have an aging Bruce Lee as our leadoff man, a bunch of slap hitters around him, two really good pitchers, and everyone else sucks. Okay, maybe they don’t suck. But they’re not great. They’re average. We’re average. Our team is very much mediocre.
But their team…well, f**k their team. Their team is full of terrorists and communists. Half those guys probably don’t even vote. I bet most of them can’t even read. I hate those guys. What the hell is with those guys? Why do they have to be so mean like that? Damn it. Damn. It.
Well, I guess we have to sign Prince Fielder now. Wait, what am I saying? Prince Fielder? A week ago you didn’t even want to look at Prince Fielder. He’s morbidly obese. He’s so big he might implode at some point. That would be crazy. Awesome, but crazy. He’s rounding the bases and — BOOM! — caves in on himself. Hah. That would be funny. FOCUS! This is a bad thing, remember? Right. Bad thing. Bad day. Fielder? Really? I guess we can sign Fielder. Shit. We’re effing screwed. This is horrible.
It might be okay, though. I mean, look at all that money they’ve committed to two players. Three-hundred-twenty-five-million dollars. Good lord, that’s some cash. And contracts that long rarely work out. There’s hope. We have hope. Pujols gets injured semi-often. Wilson only has two good years under his belt. We could be okay. Don’t panic. Do not freak out.
Oh god, we have to do something. We can’t just sign an old guy and hope for the best. That’s what we always do. Jack Cust. Jose Vidro. Carl Everett. We always do that stupid shit. The pressure is on us now. Jack Z. Where are you, Jack Z.? You’re like our Dumbledore. We need your words now. Reassure us. He’s nowhere to be found. He’s probably hiding under his desk somewhere. We’re screwed.
Crap. This is like the worst thing that could have happened.
Calm down. Everybody stay calm. We’ll get through this. We do this every year. Whenever we sign a big free agent, it backfires. Whenever we don’t, it also backfires. Basically, we’re resigned to the fact that no matter what we do, it’ll backfire. And we can’t control what they do. We can only hope that it backfires for them, too. Wish bad things on the Angels. Oh god, I can’t believe I just said that. That sounds horrible. But they’re not really angels, so it’s okay. They’re the Angels. The Los Angeles Angels. Of Anaheim. What a stupid name. They deserve to have bad things happen to them just because their name is stupid.
I hope Pujols is actually forty. He probably is. And Wilson didn’t used to be that good. We should be fine.
I hope the Mariners sign Prince Fielder now. Damn it! I didn’t even used to want that. Stupid Prince Fielder. Why does he have to be obese? Why can’t he be…not…obese. That’d be so much easier. AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! We’re all gonna die.
Don’t be stupid, Mariners. Do something. Anything. Sign anyone. Stop teasing us. Crap. This is crap. Why does this shit always happen to us? Stupid. Sports are stupid. I’m gonna go cry now.
So yeah, that was my morning. How was yours?
We’ll get through this. One day. Many years from now. When we’ve had a chance to recover. Please do something, Mariners. We can’t take this much longer.