Terrorist Molesters and the Truth Behind Why We Really Hate Oregon

Two years ago, I wrote an article listing 30 Reasons to Hate the University of Oregon. To say it was one of the more polarizing pieces I’ve ever written would be an understatement, though it should be noted that more positive than negative feedback was received. Which is good. It means that people generally hate the Oregon Ducks as much as I do. That’s how I gauge whether or not I’m crazy. Do they agree with me? They do? Perfect. I’m not insane yet.

Fact is, my disdain for the U of O is only rivaled by my passion for life. I love living, but I hate Oregon. You see the problem here? These two conflicting forces pull my world in opposing directions. It’s a battle that many sports fans — Husky fans or otherwise — wage on a daily basis.

But why do we really hate Oregon? Hate is such a strong word, after all, and one cannot go around spouting hatred without some basis for the emotion. Sure, we joke about the Ducks, we poke fun at their goofy mascot, allude to their constant toeing of the NCAA violation line, and even print t-shirts dedicated to their general suckiness as an institution of higher learning. But none of these actions directly pertain to hatred, per se. And so onlookers shrug their shoulders and move along, convinced that this is nothing more than a complicated relationship between two disgruntled rivals.

Alas, public perception is a tough nut to crack. I’ve made it my mission to convince the masses that UW fans — and perhaps fans the world around — really do hate Oregon as much as we claim to. But perhaps I haven’t been convincing enough.

And so I’d like to take this serious moment to get real with you, loyal readers, and explain in detail why this unremitting hostility towards our foes to the south is so often perpetuated. Hate is a strong word. We can all agree on that. But not a word without its occasional righteous validity. Thus, I elaborate.

Why do we hate Oregon? Better question: Why do we hate terrorism? Oregon fans, you see, are terrorists. Not the kind that go around blowing up buildings or sending anthrax through the mail, bear in mind. Rather, the kind of terrorists that infringe upon our rights as human beings to live wonderful, beautiful, unmolested lives. Which of course lends Duck fans to being molesters, as well.

Terrorist molesters. Can you think of anything worse on this planet? I can’t. Every time I see someone wearing green-and-gold Duck gear, I fear for the safety of everyone around me. Can we trust this person? Are they armed and dangerous? Do they have SARS? These are all questions we need to be asking ourselves when in the presence of the Oregon faithful.

Like rats plagued by rabies, Duck fans foam indecency and exhale putrid, disease-riddled disgust. They are commonly referred to as the worst fan base on the planet. They wallow in their stagnant pigsty of a city and go to great lengths to make that hippie-infested outpost known as Eugene (effing Yew-Gene…it even sounds ugly) a living nightmare for all who mistakenly traipse there.

Why do we hate Oregon? It’s not due to the johnny-come-lately successes of their football program, their suspect relationship with Nike, or even the fact that their student-athletes are a cavalcade of miscreants and criminals.

No, we hate Oregon because of the fans, sorry, godawful excuses for humanity that they are.

Fans. The word itself doesn’t do right by the Oregon Duck following. These aren’t really fans. They’re social degenerates and future wards of whatever state they happen to inhabit when their miserable destiny is ultimately fulfilled.

They are Voldemort’s Voldemort, an entire Population-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

They are the villain you see in the movies, the antagonist who constantly escapes retribution until the very end of the film when our hero, our protagonist, our doer of all that is good in this world socks the smirk right off the pimply mug of that cocky, smug, sorry little bastard punk-ass bitch of a jerk who deserves everything behind that punch, that beautiful freakin’ punch, that punch you can’t help but cheer for when it connects. God, we love that punch.

It is the fans. We hate the fans. Terrorist molesters, those fans. And so to an entire cult of green-and-gold-clad sadists, I offer you these words in parting:

We don’t like you. Nobody likes you. You make this world worse than it otherwise would be without you here. You’re horrible, horrible people. You probably shouldn’t be let out of your homes. You’re awful. Just awful. And words — any more words, any manipulation of the English language — simply cannot and will not ever pay proper tribute to your festering heinousness.

I hope the Huskies beat you on Saturday. I hope we beat you every Saturday. I hope everyone beats you every Saturday.

But win or lose, one thing will never change: there will be hate. And it will be raw and pure like the cane sugar of the Hawaiian islands. Think about that. Think about how raw and pure that is. That’s true hate.

Go Dawgs.

28 thoughts on “Terrorist Molesters and the Truth Behind Why We Really Hate Oregon”

  1. Somewhere Kevin Love and his family (including his whOregon alum father) are reading this article and thinking, “he nailed it. He really nailed it!”

  2. the undertones of desperation for a win seething through this article is what helps me sleep at night. go DUCKS!!!!

  3. The problem is that you fail to accept the reality of the past several years and talk like you won the national championship last year and every year since. Enjoy the highs while you there and just shut your pie hole when your not…

  4. My favorite article I’ve ever read. Thank you for expressing in words what I hold in my heart.

  5. Ducks are famous for nothing. As good as they have been they have won 3 bowl games in 10 years, that isn’t that good. Go Dawgs!

  6. Of all the trash-talking that has gone back and forth this week between us Oregon fans and you Dawgs fans, this article is by far my favorite!! This is like the Sounders-Timbers rivalry on steroids. Hats off to you and all of our other petulant brethren a few hours to the North, but…

    Go Ducks!!

  7. Wow, as an Oregon alum who grew up in Washington this article is pretty disheartening. Sports rivalry? Yes, but to take it to the next step of attacking the fans and students on a personal level and comparing them to terrorists? Well, that’s a tad bit ridiculous don’t you think… even if it is sarcastic. Go Ducks baby!

  8. Perhaps you may have read this joke someplace else (I do not take credit for it), but I’ll post it here anyway because it just fits the subject so well….

    Four alumni were climbing a mountain one day. Each was from a different Northwest School, and each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater. As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally, as they reached the top, the Cougar hurled himself off the mountain, shouting “This is for WSU!” as he fell to his doom. Not wanting to be out done, the Beaver threw himself off the mountain, proclaiming “This is for OSU!”. Seeing this, the Husky walked over and shouted “This is for everyone!” and pushed the Duck off the side of the mountain.

  9. Hahahah! Omg we love the hate. It’s easy to say these things when your team is terrible. We just sit back and enjoy the national exsposure on ESPN and all our great recruits. So to say everyone hates us is a lie. Don’t be mad your uniforms suck and you get no national exsposure because quite frankly no one gives a damn about you guys. You don’t matter. Your simply a red headed step child and the things you say just make us laugh. So treat this game as your bowl game and well treat this as a practice game to prepare us for another PAC-12 championship. Go ducks!

  10. Eric, you should hope the Ducks don’t treat this weekend like a bowl game….if they do the Ducks will definitely lose!

  11. Anna :

    Wow, as an Oregon alum who grew up in Washington this article is pretty disheartening. Sports rivalry? Yes, but to take it to the next step of attacking the fans and students on a personal level and comparing them to terrorists? Well, that’s a tad bit ridiculous don’t you think… even if it is sarcastic. Go Ducks baby!

    That’s terrorist molesters. You forgot the part about molesters.

  12. Haha good one Rob. What are we predicting holiday bowl again this season? Sun bowl? AKA bowl games that don’t matter. That should be fun……

  13. Sniff, sniff…that was beautiful. Never have so many pounded their little chests for crapping the bed on the biggest stage.

  14. To say that we are the Voldermort’s Voldermots is hitting below the belt…i’ll have to look up ‘voldermort’ on wikipedia, seeing that I have no idea what yer talking about (probably some sinister reference to your secret Dungeons and Dragons society up there). But whatever, I’ll see your hatred and raise it as pure as the morning dew from an Andalucian grapevine

    You guys are probably going to beat us…at some point in our lifetimes, just not today. Go Ducks!!!

  15. People who like Oregon are terrorists “the kind of terrorists that infringe upon our rights as human beings to live wonderful, beautiful, unmolested lives.” How the hell do you figure? Thats the most ignorant statement ever. And People who wear green and yellow molest people? not anymore then the next husky fan or cougar fan. Obviously your ignorant from your first paragraph. Go ducks.

  16. I’m not a duck fan or a husky fan, frankly the NW isn’t the best for football and I welcome anyone to show their ignorance to everyone by arguing that. The only reason I’m posting is after reading through this stupid blog that lol 41 people follow in a city of about 2.5 million lol that’s just sad..and you got an award for it..how cute. I’d bet money that Alex, the guy who’s site this is, printed that award out & framed it for his wall. Shit you have so few followers you should be able to send them all a framed copy. Oh and by the way Alex just because people or even a majority of people agree with you doesn’t mean you arent insane. Go ask Hitler & Nazi Germany just how well your logic on mutual agreement works lol! No matter how many people think one way or the other, has nothing to do with insanity…did you really graduate from UW?!? What did you major in? Cause if it was any decent major you should probably try & get some if not all your money back cause apparently you got a peace of paper & not an education.

    To everyone both huskies & ducks who are interested in knowing where this “hate” comes from for Alex, the writer. It’s pretty clear & simple. Anyone that was fat in high school & spent 4 years getting made fun of is going to have a mass of anger & sadness inside. Read for yourself, this is a direct quote from this great blogs writer…”When I was in middle school, I suffered the misfortune of enduring a horizontal growth spurt, rather than a vertical one. My grandma called it “a phase,” which was fairly accurate, except the “phase” ended up lasting four years” so I’m sorry I missed up above..he was only belittled & made fun for 2 years of high school & 2 of middle school cause I’ll give Alex the benifit of the doubt that he wasn’t held back to repeat the two years of middle school lol..but clearly, anyone can see that his anger stews from when his was little.

    Thanks for the free entertainment though! Oh PS: if any one of you 19 people that replied to this post & to the other 40 or so followers of this blog. If you really do care about college football this much, stop fighting with each other & fight against the BCS. That’s the real problem, not your guys lil rivalry, not the huskies selling out to subway (as if every major college program isn’t a sellout) and not the ducks having “criminals” on their team (as if every major college program doesn’t have it’s share of questionable players, college & pro alumnie included). And to Alex the writer of the post, you are the worst of all…you should get a paycheck from the BCS because of the fact that you are part of the distraction that allows the BCS to continue & prosper. That’s the real problem. Have fun with your crown royal & stupid rivalry when a playoff system is finally instituted & no PAC-12 team aside from USC or maybe Oregon or Stanford; when they have a freak like Luck will ever win a playoff championship.

    I know everyone doesn’t agree with me about everything I wrote but all jokes aside…PLEASE PEOPLE, FIGHT THE BCS!!

  17. If all your family members get hold of some game day cycling jerseys at an all in one normal store or at least both to and from going to be the official website about an NFL team,all your family memberscheapjerseysaleonline2013comment might or might not take your time in that case well over $100.

  18. If all your family members find many of these game day cycling jerseys at an all in one normal store or both to and from the official website to do with an NFL team,all your family memberscheapjerseysaleonline2013comment might not spend if that’s so more than $100.

  19. It’s a given that you can’t write any better than you can think – which means you’re thinking just isn’t so good. Sophomoric satire may get you through an English class in Dawgville but it’s not going to cut it in the world of adults. Of course, don’t let my words discourage you, maybe someday you too will Win The Day.

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