I have friends in the local media (who shall remain nameless) that have told me on numerous occasions to write about Erin Hawksworth. Erin Freakin’ Hawksworth. Every dude in town that covers a sport has noticed her and needs more of her. Problem is, I’ve never really known what to write. What do you write about a smokin’ hot sportscaster other than the obvious? It’s no easy task.
On top of that, it is not my goal in life to scare off beautiful women. I am 26 years old and single. I do not need that blemish on my record. My biological clock is ticking! Let’s have some consideration for my needs.
But frankly, I have an obligation to the people. Even if most of you are perverts. And back in the day when I gave you all your Nicole Zaloumis news, you ran around like children hopped up on cotton candy. You couldn’t possibly be more excited. Never mind the fact that I’ve been trying to run a legitimate operation over here. You’d all prefer erotica and smut. They already have that on the internet, you know. It’s free and it’s available everywhere. I don’t know why you need me to deliver it, too. Insatiable barbarians.
Anyway, that’s my rant. I’ll go ahead and give you what you want now. Just don’t forget the sacrifices I’ve made for you people. And yes, I mean “you people” in the worst way possible. Whatever way offends you the most, that’s the way I mean it. You people.
So Erin Hawksworth. What’s her deal, right? She’s Aaron Levine’s backup on Q13 Fox’s Q It Up Sports, but she may as well be Charlie Whitehurst to his Tarvaris Jackson. It’s like One-A and One-B. Sure, Levine’s handy with his own makeup and all (I’ve witnessed it first-hand), but the fans are clamoring for more Erin. All the guy-liner in the world won’t keep the Charlie Chanters away. Or in this case, the Erin…Chanters. (I couldn’t come up with anything creative there. Sorry.) So it’s quite clear that we’re at an impasse.
Don’t get me wrong. Levine’s a good dude. He’s paid for my drinks before. That’s a bond you can’t break with a guy. And he’s even put me on television. That’s borderline bromantic. I’m very appreciative of that.
But come on. Just look at Erin Hawksworth. She’s like the girl you knew you’d never get in high school, but still dreamed about at night. You saw the movie Angus and thought to yourself, Maybe it could happen. Unfortunately, it didn’t. That sort of thing only occurs in movies. Beautiful people are attracted to other beautiful people, which puts you squarely behind the eight-ball. You know, unless they’re emotionally weak and willing to settle. In which case, I urge you to strike while the iron’s hot. There’s no shame in taking advantage of the feeble.
This all sounds very shallow right now. Like our only attraction towards Hawksworth is due to her looks or something. That’s only partially true. Let’s not forget, she’s pretty good at her job, too. And for God’s sake, she dropped an F-bomb on the air the other day. Seriously. It was glorious. Granted, she was quoting a Seahawks fan direct off a live chat feed. But still. Flat-out amazing. In the words of Jeff Spicoli, “Awesome! Totally awesome!”
Unlike Zaloumis before her, Hawksworth has some staying power. Media can be a bit of a nomadic career choice. You move around from place to place looking for the next gig, never really finding a home. In Erin’s case, however, she already is home. She’s a localite from the Sammamish plateau. And as a result, the likelihood of her parlaying this job into another one far, far away is that much slimmer. Which is better for all of you. Who, as we previously mentioned, are and continue to remain perverts.
So anyway, here’s my really awkward attempt at immortalizing the beautiful woman on TV. You all got what you wanted, and I, in turn, did my best to butcher it to the point of being right up there with your first slow dance. You don’t really know what just happened. But you do know you have a boner.
Enjoy Erin Hawksworth, everyone. I’ll be here all week.