For the past two months, one of my friends has been telling me all about the Princess Jasmine costume she’s planning on wearing for Halloween. She’s been hinting about this costume, teasing about this costume, to the point where everyone who knows about this costume is anxiously awaiting its arrival. She also happens to be ridiculously attractive, making the whole getup that much more appealing. At the same time, all this anticipation has kept the idea of All Hallows’ Eve fresh in my mind.
Halloween costumes are never an easy thing. October 31st seems to sneak up on you every year. Without proper preparation, you end up dressed as a hobo, a monster, or Dracula, all of which are ill-advised counterparts to the Princess Jasmines of the world.
That’s why I’m here to help. I’ve come up with 11 costume ideas you might find useful. As a Seattle sports fan, most of these should resonate with you. And if you manage to pull any of these looks off, you’ll be more successful at your Halloween party than any of our teams have been in 2011.
So without further ado, let’s get in the holiday spirit and start the trick or treating…
11. Aaron Curry
This one sounds tough, but really it isn’t.
First of all, you’ll need a bible. Just carry that with you all night. Liven up the experience by quoting verses to whoever will listen. If you can mention “your path” at least a dozen times, you’ll be set.
Second, avoid physical contact with anyone and everyone. I know how difficult this can be, especially on Halloween. If you know anything about Curry, though, you know avoiding contact is an absolute must.
Third, throw spontaneous tantrums. Toss a chair, punch a dude, yell for no reason. That’s all part of “your path,” you see.
Fourth, make sure to sit for long periods of time. That’s what Curry plans on doing for the foreseeable future. You need to sell the act.
Get out there and start walking. This isn’t just any walkway. It’s your path. Win forever.
10. Keith Price
Unlike Aaron Curry, this costume sounds relatively easy, right? I mean, aside from trying to find a No. 17 Washington jersey, which Nike chose not to make this year. Good work, Nike. Smart. Sell us the backup quarterback’s jersey instead. That’s what we really want.
But I digress.
Fact is, you’re gonna need giant balls to pull off this costume. Because if there’s anything we know about Price, it’s that he has huge cojones.
KP4H. Learn it. Know it. Live it.
9. The Ghost of Matt Hasselbeck
Matt Hasselbeck is gone. He’s a Tennessee Titan. His spirit lives on in Seattle, however. And that’s good enough to make this costume work.
Cover yourself in a white sheet. Throw a No. 8 Seahawks jersey over said sheet. You’re done. Maybe cut some eye holes in the sheet first. But otherwise, you’re done.
Now all you have to do is find five fragile bodyguards to try and protect you throughout the evening.
You don’t even need to dress up for this one. All you have to do is ruin your friends’ plans by making them do whatever you want to do all night. Remember, it’s all about you.
Oh, and put on some skinny jeans.
7. Venoy Overton
You can do so much with this one. So, so much. Do I even need to explain? I don’t even need to explain. You already know what you need to do. Use your imagination. Get creative. This is like an elementary school art project. Go nuts. Then find a girl with braces to walk a hot track alongside you. Perfect.
6. The Green Hydro
Just wear green. And tell everyone you’re the Green Hydro from Safeco Field. If you can throw in a few witty remarks about tailpipes and lube jobs, you’re golden.
Everyone loves the Green Hydro. You’ll probably get laid.
5. Isaiah Thomas’s Haters
Isaiah Thomas has lots of haters. He does. I’ve heard about it on Twitter. I don’t know what they look like. Most of them probably hide behind user names and whatnot. Regardless, he has haters. And if you could find some way to embody this in a costume, I think you’d have a marketable product for one night.
Maybe put on Thomas’s Huskies jersey with a red “X” over the number. People will be like, “Oh, cute, you’re Isaiah Thomas!” To which you’ll respond, “Nah, I’m one of his haters. You may have heard about me. I lower the roof so he can raise it. You’re welcome.”
Yeah, okay. No one may get your costume. Whatever. At least it’s unique.
4. Ryan Divish
For those of you who don’t know Ryan Divish, he’s my good friend who also happens to be the University of Washington beat reporter for the Tacoma News-Tribune. Up until about a month ago, he was was better known as the paper’s Mariners beat reporter. Alas, he worked his way off the M’s beat and into what I consider a promotion.
Now, I know what you’re all thinking. Who wants to dress up like that guy? Well, frankly, that’s a damn good question. But you know what, I like to think that emulating a 5-foot-8-inch half-Asian dude would get you somewhere. Heck, if you take two inches from me, I do it every day. Plus, this guy has major appeal with sorority girls. Or at least he will. Once these chicks get past the fact that there’s more to life than Bob Condotta. Hey, listen up ladies! Condotta’s married. You don’t stand a chance. At least not legally.
Anyway, here’s the thing about Divish. He has a very specific type of dress. It’s not going to be easy to mimic this, but here is what you’ll need to be successful:
- A Montana Grizzlies shirt. That’s Divish’s alma mater. You can’t be caught dead without that maroon tee.
- A New Era baseball cap from an obscure team. Pick any team that no one likes. Lately, Divish has been wearing a Colorado Rockies hat. Outside of the 25 players on that roster, Divish might be the only guy in America sporting that lid on a regular basis.
- A puka shell necklace. If you know anything about Divish, you know he loves his puka shell necklaces. I swear to god, that dude must have a time machine. And every time one of those necklaces breaks, he jumps in his flying DeLorean and does 1.21 gigawatts back to 1999 to get new jewelry. Good luck finding the shells. This could be your toughest task of all.
Add some jeans and sneakers to the ensemble and you’re set to go. If you drink Crown Royal all night long, you get bonus points.
Someone please make this happen.
3. The Cynically Miserable Seattle Sports Fan
We all know this guy. He kinda sucks. No one really enjoys having him around, yet there’s at least one of him in every group. He usually wears the jersey of a player who hasn’t been around for five or six years. He hates life. He calls into sports radio bitching about everyone and everything. He enjoys the rain. He wears his North Face fleece all year long, even in the summer. He’s really into local politics. He drinks an expensive cup of coffee seemingly every waking moment of the day. He claims to know more than you about Seattle sports history, which in turn makes him better than you, thus giving him the right to shit on every positive moment we, as legitimate fanatics, may otherwise enjoy. He once shook Gary Payton’s hand. He occasionally talks to Ryan Rowland-Smith on Twitter, which is how he knows he’s cool. He has at least six hardcover books on sabermetrics. He listens to Coldplay. He has a beard because he’s cultured. He wears glasses because he’s cultured. He rarely showers because he’s cultured. The list goes on.
If you have a Milton Bradley jersey shirt, a North Face fleece, an ugly pair of khakis, sneakers, spectacles, and can grow a full beard in the next month, you’ve got this one in the bag.
2. Chone Figgins
The nice thing about this costume is they already sell it.
1. Slutty Hope Solo
You see the “slutty” costumes every year. Slutty firefighter. Slutty police officer. Slutty nurse. Well what about Slutty Hope Solo?
Sure, if you’re a good-looking, athletic female, you could pull off the Hope Solo costume easy. Soccer shorts, a USA top, shinguards…boom, done. But that’s hardly a challenge. You can do better.
Kick it up a notch by making your otherwise average Hope Solo attire slightly more provocative.
The shorts? Make them shorter. And tighter.
The socks? Make them knee-high.
The top? Turn it into a deep V-neck.
Hope Solo would be hot. Slutty Hope Solo is orgasmic. You can do this. Everyone believes in you.
Do it for America.