These days it seems like every media outlet has a high school football Big Game of the Week. TV stations, newspapers, radio shows, the ice cream man, your next door neighbor, pedophiles. Everyone but local yokels like Seattle Sportsnet.
Well, that’s it! It’s time we had a Big Game of the Week, too. But our Big Game of the Week can’t be like everyone else’s. Oh no. They’d be expecting that. Our Game of the Week must be…bigger, much bigger. Obese! NO! Morbidly obese. Can’t get much bigger than that.
But that’s not all. If we’re going to do a Morbidly Obese Game of the Week, we need to find just the right teams to report on. That’s absolutely critical.
Let me ask you this. Are you a parent? Did you buy a house out in the sticks? Did you send your kid to private school because you didn’t want him getting beat up by hoodlums or forced into uncomfortable situations around people of less-fortunate circumstances? On the flip side, are you too lazy to move out of the hood and instead just send your kid to the nearest podunk learning institution that the bus will take him to? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, then your child’s football team may very well be the one we’re leaning towards selecting for our Morbidly Obese Game of the Week.
Here’s the thing. There’s a certain type of school that attracts all the love in these Big Games of the Week. For the most part, it’s the major suburban public school. Fact is, your kid doesn’t attend such a facility. And as a result, your kid’s football team is S.O.L. So what do you do?
I’ll tell you what you do. You write to The Seattle Times bitching and moaning about how your 5-foot-8-inch, 165-pound junior linebacker is trying to get a college scholarship and WILL NOT BE ABLE TO because Mason Freakin’ Kelley won’t come out and write about the Charles Wright Warthogs, the Tacoma Adventist Archangels, or even the Tyee Forfeiteers. Or at least that’s what you used to do.
(Side note: I just made up all those mascots. Though if you know anything about Tyee, it’s a given that they should really be called the Forfeiteers.)
I’ve got a new solution for you: nominate your school for Seattle Sportsnet’s Morbidly Obese Game of the Week. You don’t need to bitch and moan anymore. We’ve got your back. We’ll give you that coverage you desire. We’ll be the ones to inflate your stats, make your kid sound really good on paper, and hopefully land him a free ride to some university that will ultimately get its ass kicked by every other university.
Starting next week, we’ll give you four choices for our Morbidly Obese Game of the Week. You can vote on who you want to win. The winner will get an article written about their game. If we can’t get any information about the game itself, we’ll just fabricate a really interesting story:
“Jimmy Brown-Spencer ran 89 yards for a touchdown, then celebrated by doing the Ickey Shuffle in the end zone. After being flagged for an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty, Brown-Spencer took his pants off and mooned the crowd before getting ejected and riding off with a cigarette in his mouth on a motorized dirtbike he had parked just outside the stadium.”
Stuff like that.
Anyway, Morbidly Obese Game of the Week. Get ready for that because it’s coming all over the place.