Uniforms are a hot topic in sports these days. Thanks to schools like the University of Maryland, it seems that everyone has an opinion on the advent of the athletic jersey.
Here at Seattle Sportsnet, we have our own thoughts on uniforms. Namely, we seek to improve them. Which is why we’re here today with 11 ways in which we plan to do that.
Because it starts with a plan and ends with action. We just happen to be lazier than most of you, so we’ll take care of the plan as long as you act on it. Are we good? Okay, cool.
Let’s do this.
11. Wear more pink
Unless we’re fighting breast cancer or honoring one of the Care Bears, it seems like pink is completely jettisoned from all uniform designs. My question: Why?
You know what pink says? It says, Hey, I’m confident in who I am. So confident that I’ve chosen to wear a color that is more often associated with women and homosexuals. As a sports fan, don’t you want your team to be confident? Of course you do.
Zack Morris wore pink. He wore it frequently, in fact. And you know what Zack Morris was? A womanizer. He got with lots of chicks. He probably impregnated a few of them. While wearing pink, no less.
Long story short, pink equals confidence, and confidence equals success. Ipso facto, transitive property, pink equals success. There you go.
10. Instead of eye black or sunglasses, try out LeVar Burton’s Star Trek VISOR
VISOR: Visual Instrument and Sensory Organ Replacement. Boom.
Are you blind? Now you can see.
Are you having trouble reading? Now you can read on a rainbow.
Are you ogling that dude’s girl over there? I don’t know. No one knows. Because you’re wearing a VISOR. You’re as mysterious as they come.
We all grew up pretending to be LeVar Burton’s Star Trek character, Geordi La Forge. I didn’t even watch the show, yet I knew about those crazy-ass goggle things homeboy was wearing. Everybody did. You didn’t mess with a guy like that. If Chuck Norris was vision impaired, he’d get himself a VISOR, most def.
I don’t know about you, but if I came up to bat and saw a field of defenders wearing specs like that, I’d be freaked the hell out. And as we’re all aware, intimidation goes a long way in sports.
This is the original LASIK. Only better. Because LeVar Burton’s wearing it.
9. One word: Hypercolor
You blow on it, it changes color! How cool is that? You’re like a team of chameleons.
Not only did every single person EVER enjoy Hypercolor shirts, but Hypercolor shirts were made right here in Seattle. Yes, you can thank Generra Sportswear Company for that little invention. Not a bad thing to be known for.
My theory is this. Because Hypercolor fabric changes color when in contact with heat, a group of players could constantly be ebbing and flowing in hue throughout a game. That could provide just the distraction necessary to take your club to a title. You know you’re interested.
8. Exterior cups
The cup. Solid and protective, it keeps your genitals from getting destroyed by the elements, whether those elements be a wayward ground ball or a menacing opponent. To say it is an essential part of the uniform would be an understatement. Unless you lack testicles. In which case you might not properly view its importance.
Regardless, the cup is an absolute necessity. Why, then, do we shield it beneath our pants? Why not glorify the cup by wearing it on the outside?
Think about it. An exterior cup would make you feel even more secure than you already may. And security leads to confidence, which, as we previously covered, leads to success.
So what does an exterior cup mean, then, you ask? It means wins. Wins, ladies and gentlemen. I rest my case.
7. Cologne-misting fans
Hall of Fame second baseman Roberto Alomar once said, “To play good, you must feel good. And to feel good, you must smell good.” Truer words were never uttered.
We all know how crucial a pleasant aroma is to our game. Without it, an athlete can’t perform to his utmost. And who knows, at any given moment a beautiful woman may run onto the playing surface and demand a kiss. Or better yet, coitus. You can’t smell bad in that situation. You just can’t.
That’s why I propose we install fans that mist cologne.
All a player would have to do is stand in front of one of these fans and before you know it, voila, said player reeks of Polo Sport, as opposed to, say, sweat. If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years, it’s that women despise the odor of sweat, but love the smell of Polo Sport.
Why Polo Sport, you ask? Probably because it reminds ladies of middle school, back in the day when they had no drama in their lives and existence was basically utopia. Polo Sport. Go get yourself some. Literally and figuratively. Hell yeah.
6. Get Speedo to design LZR racer suits for all sports
Back in 2008, swimmer Michael Phelps won eight gold medals for the good ol’ U-S-of-A at the Summer Olympics. He did this whilst wearing a Speedo LZR racer suit, otherwise known as the fastest clothing item on the face of the earth.
I don’t know what makes LZR racer suits so great, but I know I want one. I’d wear it every day. I’d wear it to work, to the gym, on dates. “Wow, how’d you get so slim?” people would ask. “The secret’s in my LZR racer suit,” I’d reply. At which point they’d think more highly of me and I’d become super popular. It’s basically every man’s dream come true.
But I digress.
While my personal fantasies are reason enough to get your favorite team outfitted by Speedo, the fact is all the players on the squad would run faster, jump higher, hit harder, become more athletic, and in general, get better. Better is greater than worse. Better is greater than average. Better is greater than almost anything. Better is what we’re all striving for.
Where does better start? With an LZR racer suit. Book it.
5. Eliminate sports bras
This goes without saying.
4. Give utility kilts a try
Have you ever seen a guy in a utility kilt get his ass kicked? Neither have I. Guys in utility kilts are apparently undefeated.
What’s your first thought when seeing a dude wearing a utility kilt, anyway? I know what mine is. It’s something along the lines of, That dude must be crazy, I better stay the f**k away. Isn’t that the level of fear we’re trying to get our players to instill in the hearts of their opponents? Yes. Absolutely yes.
Not only that, but think of all the things you could store in a utility kilt. Batting gloves go here, can of chew goes there, sandpaper for scuffing the ball here, Vaseline there, contact solution here, condoms for afterwards there, the list goes on. You could be like Data from The Goonies. Only bigger, stronger, and likely better behind the wheel of a car.
All I’m saying is think of the benefits. They’re endless. Just like your potential. When wearing a utility kilt.
3. Get Lady Gaga on your design staff
There would be no bounds to what you could do with her in your corner. I can’t even fathom some of the weird sh*t she’d come up with. I’m actually kind of scared right now.
In recent years, the onesie bikini has made an admirable return to the fashion scene. I don’t know about you, but every time I see a girl wearing a onesie bikini, I get happy in a special place. Nothing wrong with the onesie.
Additionally, the history of the onesie is such that when you were a wee toddler, you often found yourself adorned in onesie pajamas. There is no greater security (save for the exterior cup) than that of the onesie PJ get-up.
So why is it that we’ve shunned the onesie in sports? It makes no sense at all. And if there’s one thing I’ve always tried to preach, it’s sense.
Let’s do it. Let’s get the onesie in the game. L.A. Gear, I nominate you to try it out first. Don’t act like you have anything better to do, L.A. Gear. You’ve been laying low with British Knights for the better part of the past two decades. I’m trying to save your asses right now with my great idea. Do it. Send me a free pair of high-tops when you’re all done. Thanks.
1. Title IX + LuluLemon = EPIC GREATNESS
Let me fill you in on a little secret. When people ask me what my favorite clothing item of all-time is, I never stray from my answer: LuluLemon yoga pants, I say.
Why LuluLemon yoga pants, they wonder. Are you into yoga? Do you like the comfort?
No, I respond. Neither of those things. But you know what I am into?
What, they ask, eagerly awaiting my response.
I’m into hot chicks with nice behinds wearing form-fitting, ass-hugging, stretchy black tights. I am way, way into THAT.
There is usually a pause that follows this answer. If I’m talking to a female, she may giggle and say she has a pair. She may furrow her brown and accept my chauvinistic honesty. She may run away in fear. I’ve encountered all three reactions.
If I’m talking to a fellow dude, though, well that’s an entirely different reaction.
A sly grin will emerge on the face of my fellow dude. He will slowly start to nod. He will look me square in the eye, my sly grin matching his sly grin, and for a moment in time, we will agree. We will f**king agree! We will do what politicians and world leaders and people of different ethnic backgrounds or religions or faiths or beliefs cannot always do and we will find common ground. Where peace treaties and declarations and oaths and ceasefires have failed to unite us, one and all, yoga pants — yes, yoga pants! — will bring us together.
“Yes,” my fellow dude will say, “yes. I hear you. Word. Word. That is some sh*t right there! That is awesome! I love yoga pants, too!” We will high-five. We may chest bump. We will celebrate in the glory of the yoga pant.
And that, dear readers, is why this is a must. Hear me out. Heed these words:
Men and women, children and adults, people of all races, color, and creed, I have a dream. I have a dream that one day we will find a way to get every women’s team in every sport sponsored by LuluLemon. Why? So that all the lady athletes the world around can wear the LuluLemon yoga pant. So that they can don this testament to the female body. So that they can give every man, woman, and child the desire to watch them play. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I have this dream.