Everything That’s Going Through That Douchebag’s Mind At The Gym

Yo. What up, everybody. I bet you’re all glad I’m here. Oh, what’s this? This little guy is using my bench. What up, little guy? You mind if I work in? All right. Why don’t you just run off because I’m gonna be a while. Sound good? Okay, good. Get lost. All right, let’s do this.

Let me get a 45 on this side, a 45 on that side, a two-and-a-half over here, and another two-and-a-half here. All right. Perfect. We’re good. Deep breaths now, deep breaths. Inhale, annnnddd…ferocious puff. Inhale, annnnddd…ferocious puff. All right. Shake my neck side to side like I’m working out some kinks or something. Now to flare my arms a few times — hey, what’s up ladies — and — I’m really glad I wore this sleeveless shirt today — and okay, let’s sit down and do this.

Okay, we’re going for ten today, ten reps, we got this. Ready, bro, ready? You ready, bro? You’re gonna do this, bro, you better be ready. Let’s get this — wait. Got an itch. Scratch your itch, bro, scratch it. All right. Are the ladies looking? Nah, they’re not looking, let’s wait. We’ll wait a minute. Tighten the velcro on your gloves a few times, they might hear that. Yeah. I know you hear that, girl. Take a look over here. Yeah, that’s what’s up. Give her the head nod and smile, ladies love that…sup, girl. Okay, lay down, let’s get this set, bro, let’s get it. Deep breaths first, though. Inhale…puff. Inhale…puff. Good, you’re good.

Ten. Going for ten. Here we goooo…..uggggggggghhhhhhhhhh…ONE!

You got this, bro, you got this!


That’s it, bro, you’re killing it right now, killing it!


Oh sh*t, bro, oh sh*t! This sh*t’s getting heavy! Lock it out, bro, lock it out. Three’s good, bro, three’s good. Get it up! Get it up! You got it, broooooo…GOT IT! We’re good, bro! YES! You f**kin’ did it! Whew! That was intense! Wipe your sweat real quick. Yes! That was it, right there! That was f**kin’ IT!

Did the ladies see that? No, I don’t think they did. Okay, that’s probably good, we’re good then. Let’s get up and towel off real quick. One set’s good for today. Let’s hit the sauna, bro.

But first, wait, first…walk past these ladies first. They need to see you again. Walk slow. Yeah. Stick your arms out to your sides more. Yes. That’s it. Flex your chest. Flex your abs. Now sway side to side. That’s perfect, f**kin’ perfect. Go. Yeah, they’re looking now. Head nod. Smile. Yeah, they like that, they’re giggling. I mean, bro, they are really giggling. They’re not stopping, bro, they love you. They’re still giggling! You are a hit, dude! YES!

All right, let’s get out of here, bro. That was good work today. Let’s get these gloves off, bro. Sauna time.

4 thoughts on “Everything That’s Going Through That Douchebag’s Mind At The Gym”

  1. You are fricken retaaaaaaaarded! “The 45’s and 2.5’s, the head nod, with the ‘” yeah, that’s whats up'” and the noisy velcro fingerless gloves…… Great stuff A to the X. <<<<< I own that douchebag phrase.

    I am chuckleman right now…. can't stooooooop chuckling.

  2. My buddy and I call this gym character ‘Chad’. Doesn’t matter what gym, Chad is always there…lingering…

  3. My buddy and I call this character ‘chad’. Doesn’t matter what gym, chad is always there….lingering…

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