Solving All The Mariners’ Problems In One Article

No time to dilly-dally. Let’s get right to it.

Solution No. 1: Kill Chone Figgins

This is not as easy as it sounds. Figgins is a crafty beast, squirrely in nature and with a strong desire to live. He is not unlike a dragon or a minotaur in this way.

There is an urban legend that states the only way to kill Figgins is to stab him in the heart with a garlic-encrusted stake. Or pierce his scrotum with a silver bullet. I don’t really remember. All I know is this: Chone Figgins WILL NOT DIE!

Seriously. The man needs to go. He’s beyond a clubhouse cancer. He’s clubhouse A.I.D.S. I’m sorry. That comparison is horrible. But there is no other disease-related metaphor for Figgins at this point. Magic Johnson would not play ball with him. It’s like that.

I don’t care how much money we owe him. Cut his ass first, ask questions later. If Al Davis was running this franchise, he’d find a way to cut Figgins AND not pay him anything. If that crazy old bastard can do it, why can’t we?

Figgins. Must. Die.

Solution No. 2: Play Greg Halman every day

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I am ninety-percent certain that Eric Wedge accidentally sent pictures of his junk to Carlos Peguero. This would fully explain why Peguero gets the majority of at-bats in left field while Halman sits around and chews Dubble Bubble on the bench.

Come on, man. I know Halman isn’t great (though he is hitting .290 right now, which is considered great for this team), but he certainly isn’t horrible.

Peguero, on the other hand, is pretty bad. Dude hacks at pitches like he’s drunk and blindfolded. He gets up there and swats at sh*t like he’s warding off spirits or trying to kill an invisible demon.

That said, Peguero does swing pretty hard. And it is fairly entertaining to watch. Let’s face it. If this were Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, Peguero could win the entire game using only a baseball bat as his weapon. You know, provided he didn’t swing and miss at all the hookers and criminals that crossed his path.

But monstrous cuts aside, Peguero doesn’t connect with the ball often enough to justify the number of starts he receives. Until he can even things out and prove he’s a big league hitter, the left field job should be Halman’s to lose.

Solution No. 3: Keep Erik Bedard

It sounds crazy, I know. But the trade value on Bedard won’t be great enough to warrant making a move.

On top of that (and I can’t believe I’m saying this), the lefty ace may very well fit into the team’s long-term plans. Sure, his contract expires after this season, but who’s to say he won’t re-sign with the club? The Mariners have essentially nurtured Bedard back to health and been patient with an otherwise horrible investment. It’s not out of the question to think the southpaw might do this team a solid and sign for a discounted rate.

Fact is, Bedard probably has greater upside than a pair of mid-level prospects. And that’s what we’d be getting in return for a guy who, when he’s healthy (and I realize that’s the ultimate caveat), is one of the best arms in the game. Might as well keep him.

Solution No. 4: Hit the road, Jacks

That would be Cust and Wilson. Whether they’re released, traded, DFAed, or broken up with over Facebook, it’s time they got out of town.

Neither one of these vets has a future with the Mariners beyond 2011, and it’s hard to argue their value in the immediate present, as well.

Cust is a designated hitter who defies his job title. Wilson is a backup infielder who rarely plays. Why are either of these dudes still here?

My apologies to both individuals, as they seem like very personable guys, but it’s over. The ship has sailed. Neither one belongs in a Mariner uniform any longer. Let’s end this bitch before it drags out and gets ugly.

Solution No. 5: Give Jeff Gray more innings

Just kidding. That would be insane.

Solution No. 6: Trade Brandon League

One, Brandon League is an All-Star.

Two, Brandon League is a closer.

Three, Brandon League’s trade value COULD NOT BE HIGHER!

You have to move this guy while you can. Closers are a dime a dozen (really, they are) and for whatever odd reason, they seem to net a pretty decent haul each year around the trade deadline.

In case you’ve forgotten, the M’s already have a closer on their roster (the barely-living David Aardsma), and can probably piece one together from the spare parts they currently have lying around if need be.

Plus, it’s Brandon League. The guy has had a good couple months. Beyond that, however, he’s still Brandon Effing League. He’s prone to choke at some point, I promise you. Do you really want him to do it as a Mariner? I don’t. That would suck.

Trade League. Bring in some young talent. Feel better in the morning.

Problems…solved.

2 thoughts on “Solving All The Mariners’ Problems In One Article”

  1. I fully concure with all above statements. I still can NOT believe Donkey broke up the No-no last night. I was there, the whole crowd actually cheered for donkey….Or maybe they were giving the rangers pitcher a round of applause. Either way he still sucks ass….

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