Local Sabermetrician Arrested In Murder-For-Hire Plot

Authorities have arrested a man they say tried to kill a well-known local icon.

John Boggins, 54, was taken into custody late Wednesday evening after police allege he attempted to have the Seattle Mariners’ Yellow Hydro murdered.

Boggins is a member of a notorious gang of fun-stealers who call themselves “Sabermetricians.” He specializes in the manipulation of numbers to radically impose his will upon others, not unlike a Jedi from the Star Wars films.

The county sheriff’s department initially learned of Boggins’ plot through an ad on CraigsList seeking, “a talented demolition man that knows how to keep a secret and hates fun.” Police then responded to Boggins’ ad in order to mount the evidence they needed to arrest the Everett native.

In a series of audio recordings that were captured in various meetings with Boggins, undercover officers learned of their target’s immense loathing for fun, along with his extreme hatred for those things that brought people joy.

When asked why he wanted to kill the Yellow Hydro, Boggins replied that he had “never found the value in a two-dimensional computer graphic that gets people excited for no particular reason.”

Later, when a second undercover officer asked Boggins how he wanted the murder to be carried out, Boggins answered in chilling fashion:

“I want you to shove a stick of dynamite up his exhaust pipe, then blow that motherf***** to smithereens. I want no evidence of his remains. Collect the shards, piss on them, then bury them where no one will ever find them.”

Once the undercover officers and Boggins had come to an agreement on price — Boggins would be paying $10,000 for the planned execution — a SWAT unit descended upon the meeting location and took the alleged criminal to prison, where he was later booked for attempted murder.

The Yellow Hydro was not harmed in any way, and when told of the plot to end his life, he offered his gratitude to the sheriff’s department and also had this to say:

“Sweet sassy molassy, am I a lucky duck or what!”

Two of the Yellow Hydro’s coworkers, the Green Hydro and the Red Hydro, were also available for comment following the ordeal.

“It could have been any one of us,” said the Green Hydro. “I’m just glad it was him and not me.”

Added the Red Hydro, “No one would have missed that guy, anyway.”

In addition to the charges of attempted murder, Boggins was also charged with a hate crime, as the Yellow Hydro is an active member of Seattle’s Gay and Lesbian Community.

Boggins will be arraigned on Monday.

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