Rule No. 1: If you cannot properly distinguish a joke from a more serious matter, there is no reason you should have Facebook, Twitter, or anything like that at all. Except LinkedIn. You can keep that.
The fact is, you humorless bastards are ruining it for the rest of us.
You kill our comment threads, turn every one-liner into a societal issue, and frankly, should be exiled to an island somewhere where you can all fight with one another until your extinction.
You may have accidentally collected friends or followers, I understand that, but do they really like you? Do they actually enjoy being around you? Or would they rather you go jump off a bridge and sink to the bottom of the ocean? Think about it.
Social media was borne for the witty, the engaged, those who can laugh a little bit, who can smile from time to time, who enjoy living and realize that a joke is comedy and not a personal slight at something you embody or believe in.
Lighten the f**k up. And if you can’t do that, do us all a favor and delete your account. Now.
Rule No. 2: We get it. You procreated. Congrats.
Your children are great. We understand. They’re so great, in fact, that maybe you could give your kids their own Facebook accounts instead of devoting yours to them.
I’ll be honest. I befriended you long ago not knowing that this would occur. That’s my bad. I had no idea that my news feed would become ground zero for your family portraits and all that other mushy sh*t.
When you and I first became friends, you were a hot college chick with a lot of great photos that I thoroughly enjoyed thumbing through late at night.
But then it happened.
You found a steady boyfriend. You decided to marry him. He became your husband. He knocked you up. You spit out a child. Our friendship was essentially terminated at that moment.
Nevertheless, the act of “defriending” is vile and despicable, right up there with masturbating in public or kicking puppies. Neither one of us has the gall to remove the other from our list of “friends,” and so here we are in this purgatory of a forlorn cyber acquaintanceship.
What’s worse, there’s absolute no reason for us to be “friends” anymore.
We don’t talk.
We haven’t seen each other for years.
We barely even knew each other back then.
And on top of all that, the benefits to being friends have disappeared right along with everything else. Photo galleries with titles like “Cancun Spring Break ’06 – Awwwww YEAAAAHHH!” have now been replaced with albums more along the lines of “Little Jared Turns One.” This could not be more disappointing.
I digress, however.
The point is, your kids are great or whatever, we just don’t want to see them 24/7. It’s weird. And we’re friends with you, not them. FIX IT.
Rule No. 3: No one cares about your bad day.
How disappointing is it when you log onto Facebook in the morning and the status update that greets you is from your most miserable friend and reads as follows:
“This has been the worst day EVER! Don’t even ask how bad it’s been. It’s that bad.”
First of all, I won’t ask, so we’re good there.
Second, by you telling us not to ask, you’ve essentially begged everyone to pay more attention to you than you truly deserve. Why would I want to blemish my wonderful morning by asking you about your sh*tty day? That doesn’t sound like any fun at all.
Third, if you want people to notice that your life sucks, at least present your veritable suckitude in amusing fashion. Don’t just say your life sucks. Tell us why it sucks, then add some wry commentary. Who knows, you might get a “Like” and maybe your day will get a little better.
Rule No. 4: If you are a decent-looking girl, every male athlete will talk to you on Twitter provided they’re not married or religious (and even then, they probably still will).
If you so much as follow one cute girl or one athlete, chances are you’ve seen the interaction. Your timeline will fill up with a back-and-forth that essentially becomes code for, “F**K ME! PLEEEEEEEAAAAAASSSSSSEEEEE!”
For as long as there have been sports, athletes have wanted to f**k cute girls; cute girls, in turn, have wanted to f**k athletes. Praise be to Twitter for facilitating the hook-ups.
The best part about these online rendezvous is that both parties think they’re being so darn coy. It would be comical if it wasn’t so damn annoying.
No, Athlete, typing “LOL ;)” at the end of each sentence is not much of a cover.
And you, Cute Girl, just the fact that you’re being perennially retweeted should be enough to give this exchange away for what it really is: a virtual blow-jay.
Of course, the chances of these two parties ever meeting in real life are slim to none. But it’s fun to pretend.
Cute Girl will tell her cute girlfriends that she “knows” Athlete X.
Athlete X, on the other hand, will get Cute Girl to send him material for the spank bank and keep his dick warm at night when the hos aren’t around. It’s a pretty fair trade-off when you think about it. Creepy. But fair.
Rule No. 5: If a video link appears on your feed and it looks sexually appealing IN ANY WAY AT ALL…it’s probably a virus…or if not that a hoax.
Look what this girl does when her dad walks in on her!
Most people can’t watch this for more than 25 seconds!
Does this look like female genitalia to you?!
Nicole Santos is a BE-YOTCH!
Yes, people. Those are all viruses or hoaxes. You click on them, something automatically gets posted to your profile and broadcast to all your friends and you contract syphilis.
Okay, maybe you don’t contract syphilis. But your computer basically does. So don’t click on that sh*t. Be smarter than the attackers!
Oh, and if you’re on Twitter, beware of the hot girls who tweet links at you. Those hot girls aren’t gonna show you anything when you click through to those links. Those hot girls don’t even know you. Those hot girls don’t even exist. They’re not real.
Though if they were real, they’d probably be trying to get with an athlete.