SBTB on romance
First of all, we give Zack Morris too much credit. Way too much. We can all agree that the man was an absolute player. If you had a vagina, he wanted to be near it. If you had breasts, he wanted to talk to you.
Throughout the course of his high school existence, Morris dated, kissed, or tried to hook up with the following cast of characters: a paraplegic, a homeless woman, an obese gossip who didn’t “look like Elle McPherson,” the captain of the cheerleading squad, his best friend’s girl, his other best friend’s little sister, his other best friend’s ex from out of the country, the school nurse, a biker chick, his girlfriend’s little sister, his immediate superior at the Malibu Sands Beach Club, a wrestler, his best friend’s adopted cousin, the school bully, a chick from USC, and a mom in Hawaii.
That’s an impressive list to say the least.
But let me ask you this. Did you ever see Morris take any of these girls past the proverbial first base? Huh? Did you? Because I did not. Which means that for all his “play,” Morris was nothing more than a glorified friend. Sex was never even hinted at with any of these women. Sure, there was some kissing here and there, some flirtatious glances, lots of hugs.
But foreplay? No.
What did Zack Morris do for all those years on television? He taught young men the world around how to make the first move…but nothing after that.
And now? Now there are guys in every corner of the globe that grew up watching this supposed master at work who can’t do anything but slap hit. They knock singles around the yard all day long. Extra base hits are out of the question. Runners in scoring position are non-existent. The collective slugging percentage of males in the 20-40 age range is lower than it should be because of Zack Freakin’ Morris. Thanks a lot, jerk.
SBTB on sports
If you go to Valley, you will lose.
If you go to Bayside, you will win.
SBTB on friendship
So long as your best friend is the star of the show, he can sabotage you, lie to you, trick you, exploit you, or take advantage of you as often as he wants and you’ll still find it in your heart to stay friends even after you’ve had your girl stolen, your business run into the ground, or photos of you in a bikini sold for profit.
SBTB on cardboard cutouts
They’re apparently really easy to get. Even if you just want a life-size paper replication of the girl you have a crush on. No problem. Store it in your closet. Do dirty things with it. Whatever.
SBTB on race relations
Race. A touchy subject, I know. But worth discussing.
Ask yourself this question: Did you ever see an Asian on SBTB? Because I didn’t. Were Asians not good enough? Who was setting the curve in the classroom without Asians? Did the Bayside badminton team ever even win a game?
Here was a production that showcased handicaps, the impoverished, and the retarded (I assume Screech was retarded). And yet we couldn’t get an Asian. Absolutely ridiculous.
I’ve been to Southern California. There are Asians everywhere. Unless they all went to Valley, this was a complete indictment on a viewer’s understanding of geography, demographics, and the law of averages. Epic fail.
Oh, and let’s not forget what SBTB taught us about black people:
If you are black and rich (Lisa Turtle), people will like you. If you are black and smart (Brian, from the “Date Auction” episode), people will think you’re a prick. No wonder it took more than a decade post-SBTB for America to land a black president. Barack Obama had to convince the entire United States that Lisa was wrong about intelligent African American males. She’s wrong, everybody! Bitch.
SBTB on the space-time continuum
If you need the world to stop for you, simply call “time out.” It almost sounds too easy. It is, however, a facet of reality.
SBTB on academics
It seems unlikely that you could score a 1502 on the SATs, get accepted into both Yale and the acclaimed Stansbury University (the Harvard of the West), help your school to a Knowledge Bowl victory, and repeatedly trick the principal into believing any number of alibis and excuses, yet still fall a credit short of graduation.
Perhaps that isn’t as pressing a question as this, however: What are the odds of you having all your classes in the same classroom with the same people all year long?
SBTB on sex appeal
If a pot-smoking movie star and a college student moonlighting as a restaurant manager show significant interest in your girl, what do you do?
Lock that sh*t up by getting married in Las Vegas before you turn 21. Duh.
After she’s had a boob job, too. (Which she most certainly did. Mosquito bites in high school, sweater pillows in college? There’s something fishy going on here.)
SBTB on your potential
You can be part of an all-girl singing group that gets discovered by a music producer.
You can model in France.
You can say no to drugs.
You can take down an oil company.
You can sneak into a club with a fake ID.
You can join the junior ROTC then quit, but not, but still never mention it ever again.
You can outwit the United States government on more than one occasion.
You can get out of detention whenever you want.
You can date Zack Morris without the use of your legs.
You can do anything in a tiny gym.
SBTB on drugs
There is a hierarchy of drugs, which is as follows (listed from least severe to most):
Marijuana -> Prescription pills -> Highlighter pens -> Cocaine -> LSD -> Whatever homemade chemical has Mr. Yuck’s face on it -> Heroin -> Speedballs -> Crystal Meth -> Caffeine pills
God forbid you ever ingest caffeine pills! Not only will they keep you up all night, they’ll make you sing songs out of key and cry, as well. This is serious business, people, I am f**king warning you! Caffeine pills are the love child of Satan and Osama bin Laden.