America’s Favorite Game: You Can Only Have One

There’s no denying that You Can Only Have One is America’s favorite game. You can play it anytime, anyplace, anywhere, and it never gets old.

The premise is simple. You are presented with two scenarios, of which (and here’s where it gets dicey) you can only have one.

In addition, there are two very specific rules to the game:

Rule 1.0 a. You cannot have neither.

Rule 36.5 b. You cannot have both.

Now, I know it seems easy enough, but I live by the rule that there should be no rules. So I typically blow 36.5 b. out of the water and take both. It really bugs the rule-makers out there. Call me a renegade.

While the game has its roots in ancient Sri Lankan culture, it was made popular in the Seattle area by 950 KJR radio host Dave “Softy” Mahler. A proponent of YCOHO from the very beginning, Mahler has staked an entire career off the idea that you, me, and everyone can only have one.

In the spirit of YCOHO, I’ve come up with some scenarios that you can debate with friends. I’ve offered my preferred choice under each scenario, occasionally ignoring the rules along the way. Keep in mind, these are merely the humble opinions of one individual. I encourage you to think outside the box when faced with the prospect of only having one. So without further ado…

1. Dustin Ackley OR the flying, talking dog from The Neverending Story.

Wow. A tough call right off the bat.

Ackley, of course, is one hell of a baseball player. The No. 2 overall pick in the 2009 MLB Draft, an All-Star caliber talent, franchise cornerstone, fantastic hitter, all of the above.

But that flying dog…

I mean, think about it. If you were running late and needed to get somewhere fast, that dog would take you there. You could just jump on his back and off you go. Plus, he’s good at conversing. Maybe you want to talk to someone. This dog right here, he’ll talk to you.

Buuuuttt, the downside of the flying, talking dog is that you have to feed him, and I imagine that based on his size, that could get expensive. And the crap you’d have to pick up, my god! You’d be burning sh*t every night.

So, with all that said…

Alex’s choice: Dustin Ackley.

2. The Seahawks win the Super Bowl OR you get to inhabit Kim Kardashian’s body for a week.

Oh boy. This is a real nail-biter.

Don’t get me wrong. I would love to see the Seahawks win a championship. That would be an absolute dream come true. I’m a diehard Seattleite through and through. I’d remember the moment forever.

But come on. Kim K.’s body for a week? Do you know what I would do in that situation?

First off, I’d tell Kris Humphries to stay the f**k away from me. That’s a given. I’m not trying to go out like that, Kris. We’re not on the same team.

Second, I’d go sit in front of the mirror, take off all my clothes, and probably look at myself for at least a day or two. Really see what’s going on there. Front side, back side, the whole falafel.

(Did you catch that last one there? I said “falafel” instead of “enchilada.” You know, because Kim’s Middle Eastern. Get it? Okay, whatever.)

After that, I can’t say what I’d do because it’s not age appropriate for all my readers. But you can probably guess. And if I could work in a lot of contact with Kourtney Kardashian, that would also be great. Not Khloe, though. Never Khloe.

The resolution? That’s easy.

Alex’s choice: Both.

3. Chone Figgins OR Jose Lopez OR a really good sandwich that unfortunately gives you food poisoning.

The three-headed YCOHO! An absolute show-stopper.

Let’s think about this carefully before making any rash decisions.

We can all agree that the three options are pretty horrible. No getting around that. But which is least horrible, that’s the key.

Figgins, of course, is all-around horrible. He’s underwhelming on and off the field. His personality is certainly nothing to write home about, and on top of that he’s small. Small doesn’t help. Small isn’t big.

Lopez, on the other hand, is clearly big. Too big, arguably, but that’s neither here nor there. In a fight, he could probably subdue Figgins by sitting on him, so that’s obviously an advantage. But he is slow. And kind of lazy. Seems like a nice enough dude, though. We’ll go ahead and move him past Donkey From Shrek.

Now for the wildcard. This fantastically amazing sandwich that, wouldn’t you know it, gives you food poisoning. Pros: Tastes good going down, nourishes you temporarily. Cons: Doesn’t taste as good coming back up, removes all nourishment from your intestines, sidelines you for at least a day.

I’ve had food poisoning once. It wasn’t very pleasant. I spent all night puking and distinctly remember reading an SI article on Drew Brees while trying to fight the dry heaves. I now associate with Brees with one of the worst moments of my life, which I’m sure a lot of Indianapolis Colts fans can identify with. But I digress. The important thing to take away here is that I had food poisoning and it sucked.

However, with food poisoning comes a day of rest, which is always warranted. Plus, you lose at least five pounds from all the puking, so it’s a nice weight-loss opportunity, as well.

I’ve made up my mind.

Alex’s choice: A really good sandwich that unfortunately gives you food poisoning.

4. Eric Wedge’s mustache OR Alanis Morissette’s bush in that one video.

Great moments in body hair history. Oh, and I did some research and the video in which Alanis’s blurred-out bush appears is entitled Thank U. So there you go, music historians. You’re welcome.

Of course, there are some major differences between the two hirsute creations to take into account.

Wedge’s fuzz adorns the middle facial region, while Alanis keeps her rug down closer to the lower abdomen area.

Wedge’s lip locks are carefully manicured into a shapely Fu Manchu; Alanis’s pubes are left to roam wild and free. If you’re more of the conservative nature, Wedge’s premeditated design might be more your thing. If you’re slightly more liberal, the abstraction of Alanis’s womanly whiskers likely hit closer to home.

There is an issue of rarity at play. It’s not every day that, as a young kid, you turn on MTV and see a blurry patch of carpet staring back at you. Then again, it’s not every day you see a ‘stache like Wedge’s.

The easy choice would be both. I realize that. Buuuuut, Alanis is kind of played out. And with the advent of free porn on the internet (they have that now), anyone can lay eyes on a female’s nether regions, furry or not.

So I think the decision, while slightly more difficult than usual, has to go down like this:

Alex’s choice: Wedge’s mustache.

See how easy that was! The greatest game you’ve ever played, and anyone can play it! Get to it, don’t delay!

And when it’s all said and done, just remember, you can ONLY HAVE ONE!

8 thoughts on “America’s Favorite Game: You Can Only Have One”

  1. Dude….Kim K. did a sex tape with Ray J.. Just watch that and then watch the Seahawks Super Bowl win. You really can have both.

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