Poor LeBron James

“The Greater Man upstairs know when it’s my time. Right now isn’t the time.” –LeBron James, on his Miami Heat team’s inability to capture the 2011 NBA Championship.

If you’ve ever been to Wal-Mart, you’ve undoubtedly seen the divorced fat woman with eight screaming children, beating the hell out of those poor kids as if she can pummel the sound right out of them, wondering why on earth the world has done this to her.

To say she doesn’t quite get it would be an understatement. Never mind the fact that in her younger days she made some bad decisions — sleeping with every guy bearing a snake tattoo, for one. Even those missteps could not fully explain why God would curse her with an octet of banshees, each conceived from the sperm of a different man. I mean, we all make mistakes. Uneducated, morbidly obese, socially inept female degenerates are no exception.

And then we have LeBron James.

Such a privileged life James leads. He has earned and continues to earn more money than most of us could ever imagine. He plays a game for a living. He is surrounded by luxury everywhere he goes.

Children emulate him. Men envy him. Women want to open their legs to him. Everybody, it seems, could enjoy the lifestyle of the one they call The King.

Except, perhaps, his highness, himself.

LeBron may very well be as clueless as our corpulent Wal-Mart divorcee. The guy just doesn’t get it. At all. And as a result, he might live the unhappiest of charmed lives this side of any of the Real Housewives women.

The man has skin no thicker than rice paper. He seems more unsure of himself than a pubescent teenager. When faced with adversity, the 26-year-old forward crumbles like the Berlin wall.

On top of all that, he lacks the traits of a real man.

James rarely takes public ownership over his own mistakes. He pouts, he whines, he points fingers. He seemingly can’t comprehend why people don’t like him. Perhaps, Lebron, it’s because you simply aren’t likable.

Only the pettiest of individuals would bring God into the equation when offering an opinion on something as trivial as the loss of a game. As if God truly had a vested interest in what THE LEBRON JAMES was doing on the evening of Sunday, June 12, 2011. Heaven forbid the “Greater Man upstairs” worry about anything but THE LEBRON JAMES. This is THE LEBRON JAMES after all. THE LEBRON JAMES is arguably one of God’s most treasured creations, if not the most treasured creation. It all makes perfect sense. Don’t blame THE LEBRON JAMES for this loss, Heat fans. Blame God. It’s God’s fault. Not LeBron’s.

No, LeBron simply lacks the social awareness to a) make good decisions, b) remove himself at any time from the spotlight, and c) stop screwing his reputation over and over again.

And therein lies the problem.

In spite of all his athletic ability, LeBron comes across to many sports fans as an aloof fraud desperately in need of acceptance. Unfortunately for him, no one’s accepting of the LeBron James persona for any number of reasons, none more so than a patronizing attitude replete with an air of fabricated humility.

It’s that lack of human perception that separates the King from the rest of us. And that’s not even taking into account the lack of a killer instinct he possesses on the basketball court, the absence of any passionate will to succeed at his profession. Because there’s that, too. Lest we forget.

On the surface, he seems to have it all. Underneath, however, we find a complicated mess.

His grasp on reality is as shaky as it comes. His quest for a trophy has come up short yet again. He possesses everything, and yet he has nothing.

Why would God do this to him?

Poor LeBron James. Poor, poor LeBron James.

4 thoughts on “Poor LeBron James”

  1. Akita is like NBA Jam: “He’s on fire!”

    Keep spitting the truth, my brotha! You killed it on this one.

  2. Well actually, you’ve just shown why religion in general is kind of a joke. Why should some kind of “higher power”/man in the sky/invisible spirit …. whatever care about the daily going ons of ANY individual person/family/state/country? It’s all ridiculous. My favorite is when athletes say that GOD made their shot go in. Oh boy.

  3. Your ABC’s are on point and as S Bayless might say, also a “prisoner of the moment(s)”, plural for the last calendar year. If problem “C” gets turned around, upside down or off, dude still has a chance at grasping reality. He brought all the attention to himself and the most frustrating element of his repetitive PR implosions is that he feigns taking the high road or at least thinks putting together incoherent bush league sentences/ blurbs, keeps his hands clean. Deflecting responsibility doesn’t help.


    The dude is 26, without a secondary and or social education. People may despise or hate LeBron. Maybe you just think he’s annoying. I prayed for the laws of gravity to cease under Kobe’s feet so that he floated off and spent the rest of eternity frolicking with Kuiper Belt objects. Lebron doesn’t bother me near as much. So give him heat all you want fans, maybe it helps the maturation process, but he’ll smarten up and he’ll get 2 or 3 rings while he’s at it.

    Lebron is lacking, but not as much as Kobe, A Rod, John Rocker, or Tyson. Did Roger Clemens EVER get it? Dude mis-remembered if he allowed someone to put a needle in his ass at 38 yrs of age. Ichiro still gets a pass for neglecting or refusing signs, or opening himself up to multiple interview requests. Olivio, will at least attempt an interview in english, and the word is Ichiro is damn near fluent. He can speak Martian and hit 50 home runs and I’ll love him, but if he explains his prowess to me in words I can understand I’d revere him. Time is on Lebron’s side for correction.

    Lots of things are maddening about sports stars. But for fans who feel good/great today about Lebron losing….. have fun with it. Kobe not getting a 6th ring literally helps me sleep better. The man upstairs cares about my REM.

  4. Lebron after game 6: “All the people that were rooting on me to fail, at the end of the day they have to wake up tomorrow and have the same life that they had before they woke up today. They have the same personal problems they had today. I’m going to continue to live the way I want to live and continue to do the things that I want to do with me and my family and be happy with that. So they can get a few days or a few months or whatever the case may be on being happy about not only myself, but the Miami Heat not accomplishing their goal. But they got to get back to the real world at some point.”

    In lamen’s terms: Everyone else’s life is shittier than mine.


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